The Market Needs a Comedian, Too

As you have probably heard, the comedian Dennis Miller will join Al Michaels and Dan Fouts in the booth for this year’s Monday Night Football broadcasts. Apparently the executive producer, Don Ohlmeyer, didn’t think last season’s games were, in and of themselves, entertaining enough. So he’s stirring up the mix a bit.

This is of interest to me because I happen to think that while the market has been quietly mounting a comeback in terms of the major stock index averages, it hasn’t made much of a comeback in terms of excitement. All we do now is sit around and wait on the Fed. It’s boring.

So I say: Let’s get a comedian involved. The stock market has muscled its way to a premier position as an American spectator sport, so it seems wise not to get to complacent, but to stir up the mix a bit in response to this Dennis Miller thing. Besides, CNBC always kinds of tails off as the trading day winds down, becoming increasingly dull as Tyler Mathison gets more and more air time.

I queried a bunch of market-watching friends about this, and almost every single one of them ignored me. Among the very meager number of responses, there was a curious concentration on 1980s weirdo comics, such as Emo Phillips, Gilbert Gottfried, and Bobcat Goldthwait. Maybe that’s on target–someone disconcerting, volatile, and confused to tremble nervously and tell jokes before the awesome power of the capital markets and Maria Bartiromo’s lips. Goldthwait in particular is, as one friend of mine put it, “the ultimate physical manifestation of pained confusion and neurotic despair.” Yes, maybe the folks at home could identify with that.

On the other hand, rubbery funnyman Jim Carrey might be a little less stress-inducing. Joe Kernan could comment dryly on that crazy-looking JDS Uniphase chart, then throw it to Carrey, who would writhe about the studio in attempt to bring the chart to life. That’d be funny. Or you could have Chris Rock telling crack jokes. Or Tom Green, to reel in that coveted younger demo. Actually, those guys are probably too expensive, but I bet they could get Goldthwait. Suggestions?