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Dear Prudence,
My 16-year-old daughter will be graduating high school in May. My 18-year-old stepson will not.
We had a graduation trip planned for the family but now, my husband wants to cancel it because it would be unfair and embarrassing for his son. I think this is completely unacceptable. I love my husband but he always wanted to be his son’s best buddy first. My stepson has zero chores or responsibilities beyond playing video games. He constantly got in trouble with his teachers for failing to do even the most basic assignments, but there were zero consequences at home. Anyone with eyes could see the writing on the wall, but my husband told me to stop nagging him about the subject. So I told him I would just go with my daughter on the trip and he could come or not. My stepson has already gotten into fights with my daughter over her excitement about graduation and going to college in the fall. I am tired of it. How do I make it to the end of May?
—Graduation
Dear Graduation,
If your husband decides to pass on the trip, of course, you should still go with your daughter and enjoy yourselves. But I don’t think it has to be that way. At least where I come from, a “graduation trip” isn’t really a popular thing or rite of passage.
Can we simply rename this a “summer vacation” or a “family trip”? Framing it this way might make it feel less tied to academic performance and more like a chance for all of you to take a break from the stress of daily life, schoolwork, and chores. Why don’t you make it a goal to enjoy each other outside of the dynamics that typically cause so much tension? A week where there’s no competition, no grades, no consequences, and no worries about the future might do a lot for all of you.
Your stepson obviously doesn’t feel great about himself right now, and it sounds like your husband wants to protect him—even if he’s not going about it in a helpful way. And your daughter deserves to be celebrated, but she’s more than her good behavior and college plans. Plus, the real reward from graduating high school is moving on to the next exciting thing. Assuming your stepson isn’t antagonizing her or making her miserable, in which case you shouldn’t subject her to a trip with him, it would be a gift to everyone if you could all simply make some memories together and strengthen your bond as a family. Think of it as investing in a happy holiday season. You’re going to have to be in the same place as these two young people and their different temperaments a lot in the future, so you’re better off backing away from the comparisons and resentment.
Classic Prudie
My boyfriend is a kind, caring, loving man, and I am mostly satisfied with our relationship. His main hobby is the online game StarCraft, and he spends maybe 10 to 15 hours a week on it, usually a game each evening. The problem is that if he loses a game, it can color his mood for days.
