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Of Greed and GroomsDear Prudence dispenses advice about wedding etiquette.

Posted Thursday, Sept. 11, 2008, at 3:09 PM ET

Slate advice columnist Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, was online at Washingtonpost.com to take readers' questions about weddings and the etiquette for planning, attending, or buying gifts for the big day. An unedited transcript of the chat follows.

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Emily Yoffe: Let the drama begin!

_______________________

Aurora, Colo.: Dear Prudence,

Recently, two dear friends of mine were married. Included in the invitation was card that stated the couple was registered at Retail Place A and to visit the retailer's web site to select, buy, and ship a gift. How convenient! Except the registry for the couple was an "account" at the retailer that wedding guests were to donate money to so the couple could presumably buy something large(r). Upon further research, I discovered that the newlyweds had the option to completely cash out their account, in the event that they were unable to decide on what to spend their gift. Please comment.

Signed,
One More Way to Ask for Money

Emily Yoffe: First, wedding invitations are supposed to be invitations to a wedding. The instructions included should be when the event is and how to get there, not what to buy.
Is this retailer Fannie Mae? I'm astounded there isn't even a pretense of registering for specific gifts. You can feel free to ignore the deposit instructions and purchase an actual gift if you are so moved.

_______________________

Miami: Dear Prudence,

When I got engaged, my parents gave me $25,000 with the unspoken agreement that this would help pay for a lavish wedding. Weddings are a BIG deal in their culture. I already got mom and dad to accept that the wedding will be at city hall, not a church, so now, mom expects the $25K to finance the reception. The proposed guest list has almost 200 people and is still growing. Her wedding dream requires a hall, catered food, $4,500 for an open bar and even a babysitter in case people bring rowdy kids.

Meanwhile, my guest list is closed at 22 people and the total price tag is $1,600 including the dress, food, rings, a champagne toast and 20% gratuity for the waiters at the restaurant hosting the wedding party. How do I convince my mother that she's not the one getting married? My older brother did the same thing I'm planning without a single question or fake anxiety attack. I have another six months of my mother breathing into a paper bag before I'm married and this ridiculous issue can be buried forever. Part of me knows the simple way to solve this is to give back the money and have my small, affordable wedding, but it irks me that my brother got to use his wedding money for a luxury honeymoon and to pay down student loans while I'm like the family leper for wanting to use the $25K for the down payment on our apartment.

Thrifty Bride

Emily Yoffe: You need to have a serious talk with your mother about her gift and about your plans. You need to clarify if this is a very generous nest egg for your new life, or an account with strings—the strings being you can only use the money to pay for the kind of celebration your mother wants. In either case it's your wedding (and your new life) so you have to be respectful but firm and not be guilt-tripped into a hosting an event you have no desire to have. But I am always astounded that parents would rather see their hard-earned money go to roast beef for 300 than to a down payment on a home.

_______________________

St. Louis, Mo.: My best friend was recently incredibly hurt by what she perceived as a bride's rudeness and selfishness during the wedding weekend's activities. My friend felt close to the bride, "like a sister" and had picked up the slack when the maid of honor (and only attendant) dropped the ball for the shower and the bachelorette party. My friend was invited to some but not all of the weekend's events for out-of-town guests (she lives in-town), so she felt hurt when the bride said she wasn't invited to the Sunday brunch, but several people expected that they would see her there. (The bride's excuse was that she didn't have control over the guest list, but my best friend was there as she gave the list to the host over the phone, so she knew that was not really true.)

My question is: what are some etiquette guidelines for out-of-town guest events? Is there a way to include in-town people to show appreciation? Also, what you do when you feel like you have gone out of your way and you are not appreciated?

P.S.: My friend's solution to the last question was to get violently angry and swear to never speak to the bride again—I don't recommend that...

Emily Yoffe: Usually I hear from people who complain about the forced march of events they are required to attend, not that they didn't get invited to twelfth celebration. Your best friend sounds a little martyrish here. Yes the bride should express her profound appreciation, but it sounds as if your friend wanted more attention than she was ever going to get. She should be glad she got to sleep late and skip the brunch.

_______________________

Anonymous: My fiance's father constantly makes negative comments about how much we are spending on vendors despite all the research I do and truly great deals I am getting. His family is paying for photography and video and his father just does not understand how much these services cost and compares the prices to his wedding 26 years ago. Is there a polite way to tell him to keep his opinions to himself?

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Emily Yoffe write Slate's "Dear Prudence" and "Human Guinea Pig" columns. She is the author of What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner.