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I'll Take Bachelor Number TwoHow can I choose between the different guys I'm attracted to?

Posted Thursday, Aug. 2, 2007, at 7:20 AM ET

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Dear Prudie,
I am in love with two men. I'm 25, and they are both 30. I met each of them three years ago, and dated both before choosing the one who is my current partner. Maybe I didn't really choose, but my boyfriend was a little more forceful, and the other guy more reserved. I love my boyfriend. He is happy, gorgeous, intelligent, ambitious, and caring. When I was diagnosed with a serious illness, he nurtured me back to health. At the same time, we have always been one of those couples who go to a restaurant and have nothing to talk about. His two interests are basketball and making money, and I often go to the theater alone because he finds my type of entertainment boring. Additionally, he keeps wanting to change me. He would like me to wear more makeup, buy flashier clothes, and visit the spa more often. Then there's the other guy. We recently rekindled our friendship, seeing each other every two months or so and having the best conversations of our lives. He's intelligent, intellectual, and caring, and I'm incredibly attracted to him. I can't be sure if our relationship would be good if we had one, but I would really like to try. I wish my boyfriend would break up with me, so I don't have to feel guilty about this. He's truly a nice guy, and nice guys don't deserve to be dumped. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is.

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Buy Emily Yoffe's book What the Dog Did: Tales From a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner.

—Lucky

Dear Lucky,
Apart from the appearance of a potential Mr. Wonderful No. 2, it sounds as if there are serious problems with Mr. Wonderful No. 1. He may be a good earner, but he bores you silly. And are his attempts to "improve" you his way of sending the message that he finds you plain and dumpy, or his way of saying you're a great-looking woman who could do more with what she's got? Since you're already being emotionally unfaithful, at this point you should have a frank discussion with No. 2 about your feelings. If he shares them, then do the decent, difficult thing and leave your current relationship before embarking on a new one. Even if he doesn't, I doubt you'll find yourself happily working up an interest in the NBA or red lipstick. Don't stay out of guilt. At 25, you're too young to contemplate decades of having nothing to say to your beloved. And if you break up, he will probably have minutes of loneliness before hordes of flashier-dressing women descend on him.

—Prudie

Watch Prudence's latest video letter here.

Dear Prudence,
When I was 19, I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I mutually decided that adoption was the best plan for us and the new baby. Throughout the pregnancy, we became increasingly distant from each other and I figured it was probably never going to work out. We did an open adoption; the adoptive parents are a very loving couple and I adored them. After the baby was born, and for about five years afterward, I received letters about her development and photos of her. However, things did end up working out with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. It has been 11 years since we gave the baby up, and we now have two children of our own. Do you think I have a duty to inform the couple who adopted my baby that she has two blood siblings? I have been fighting myself over this for a couple of years and I just can't make up my mind. On the one hand, I feel that if/when they decide to tell the child about the adoption, she may want to know about her brother and sister. On the other hand, I don't know if they would consider this as intruding in their lives if they have moved on and don't think about me. I just want them all to be happy. Should I wait until some day when she might try to contact us, or should I just write them a letter to let them know?

—Torn

Dear Torn,
Write the letter and enclose photos. Then it's up to the adoptive parents to decide what to do with the information. I don't know what your long-term agreement with them was concerning updates, but they chose an open adoption, and surely it would be better for everyone to have more information about each other, even as you respect their family boundaries. And it's hard to believe that people who choose open adoption have kept it secret from their child that she is adopted. Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, told me that on reunion registries, adoptees are as interested in finding their siblings as their birth parents. He himself is the adoptive parent of a daughter who has full and half siblings by her birth mother, and has always known about them. You can't control what the adoptive parents reveal, but Pertman says that unless there are strong extenuating circumstances, more openness is better for everyone, and it also avoids the awful question, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Interestingly, mogul Steve Jobs was put up for adoption by his young, unmarried parents, who went on to marry, give birth to novelist Mona Simpson, and divorce. The siblings found each other as adults, but Jobs always considered his adoptive parents his only parents.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
My daughter just turned 10. She has developed so very young. When she turned 9, she started developing breasts, and then three months before her 10^th birthday, she started to menstruate. She also has armpit hair and pubic hair, all the signs that are normal for a girl to develop when they are 11 or 12, or even 13. I think that she is very young to go through these changes, because most girls in her class haven't even started to develop at all, let alone begin their menstrual cycle. A girl she knows made fun of her armpit hair. Do you think she's too young to shave or remove the hair, or should I just tell her not to pay attention to this nasty girl's remarks? Do you think she's too young to go through these changes? Or is it normal for her age?

—Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned,
Your daughter is young for puberty, but not too young for it to be considered abnormal. But you need to make an appointment with your pediatrician right away to make sure that this is normal and healthy for her. Assuming it is, if she's old enough to be self-conscious about her underarm hair, she's old enough for you to show her how to shave it. Reassure her that in the next few years, all her friends will be going through the same changes, and the ones who will feel most awkward will be the ones who are late to develop. In the meantime, find some books you two can read together that will help her understand what's going on. Because puberty is happening so young to so many girls these days, you have many to choose from aimed at younger children. Here are two from the American Girl library that explain the physical and mental changes she is going through: The Care and Keeping of You and The Feelings Book.

—Prudie

Dear Prudence,
I am an attractive, married, thirtysomething woman who works as a restaurant manager. Because we get a lot of the same regulars who stop in to eat every day, I chat with many of them when they place their orders or pay their bills. Most are exceedingly polite and friendly, but there are some older gentlemen who are, to say the least, overfriendly. Their teasing does not run in the jovial vein of, say, "Are you married? Really? Well, your husband is a lucky fella," but rather to more derogatory remarks such as, "Hey, are you wearing underwear today, or did you leave them at my house last night?" I've tried to put them in their places with a firm, "Excuse me, I don't appreciate comments like that," but this doesn't stop the commentary—in fact, it seems to encourage it. To be fair, there are only a certain few older gentlemen who have fun with their ribald senses of humor at my expense. My question is, what would be the appropriate response to stop this? Is there a way to put them in their places without losing their business, or should I blatantly offend them and write them off as patrons of my establishment?

—Not Amused

Dear Not,
The next time one of them makes the underwear remark, I would be tempted to pull out a box containing a truss, a package of Depends, and the ever popular bunion shield from Dr. Leonard and say, "Actually, if you remember, you were at my house, and you left these items behind!" OK, forget the gift box. Good-natured teasing is one thing, explicit remarks that make you uncomfortable are another. Obviously, showing them that they bother you has only encouraged the coots. Try the non sequitur approach. Whenever one of them says something over the line, respond neutrally, "Good to see you again. Excuse me, I have to clear a table." If this doesn't work, then take your complaint to the restaurant owner. Let him or her pull the customers aside and ask them to tone it down.

—Prudie

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COMMENTS

Remarks from the Fray:

Although I suspect the main point of this advice is to say "don't start an affair" (always good advice), wouldn't the more decent (and difficult) thing to do be for the LW to decide whether Guy No. 1 is really right for her, and if not, to leave her current relationship without first consulting Guy No. 2 about his feelings? It seems like ending a relationship on the basis of whether another guy may be better for her is to miss an opportunity for self-growth, as opposed to having a frank self-examination of what she values in a relationship and an assessment of whether Guy No. 1 meets those standards. Furthermore, if the only reason she moves to Guy No. 2 is because he appears to be better than Guy No. 1, then if Guy No. 2 doesn't turn out to be as great as she thought, then maybe she'll start thinking about Guy No. 1 again because she never really resolved the issue of whether he was right for her. Or maybe she'll just move on to Guy No. 3.

--Ketone

(To reply, click here.)

I was startled by the way you phrased your comment about Steve Jobs. You said he considers his adoptive parents his only "real parents."

Guess what? They are. They raised him. Nurtured him. Taught him values. Stuck by him. They ARE his parents. Having a biological child does NOT make one a parent. Love and a family do.

Open adoptions are fine. But the folks who gave the child up are not the parents. They never will be. Yes, they made a selfless choice in giving their child up to a family who was capable of caring for him/her. But to suggest they too are "parents" to that child is to insult and demean his "REAL" parents.

--LPOK

[Fray Editor: Prudie responds to this poster with the following comment:

"Please don't be startled by the phrase "real parents" since I don't use it in the column. I said that when he discusses his background, Jobs says his adoptive parents are his only parents -- which is the point you are making."]

(To reply, click here.)

Please have your daughter screened by a knowledgeable physician (preferrably an endocrinologist) for a possible thyroid imbalance!

I too started developing very early at 9 and started menstruating at 10. It wasn't until I was 17 and 18 and clinically depressed, suicidal, unable to function at school, and sleeping all the time that my loving and very concerned parents found the right doctor who put me on thyroid medicine. Within 6 months I was back to normal. I felt kind of like Sleeping Beauty awakening from a long, weird sleep! We found out at this time that early puberty is a symptom of thyroid disorder in girls.

It may not be what is causing your daughter's early puberty, but I would hate for her to have to go through what I did.

Be sure you find a doctor who is knowledgeable about thyroid disorders. It is probably best if you ask for a referral to an endocrinologist than try to go through your pediatrician or family doctor. Thyroid disorders affect so much of our health and well-being and are very prevalent (10-20% of the population), as well as hereditary. Yet medical knowledge seems to be slight about its signs and symptoms in the general medical population.

--mbg1968

(To reply, click here.)

When I worked as a hostess, men who made comments like that were asked to leave. On one occasion, the man had the gall to make a sexual comment to me in front of his date! I told him we didn't tolerate that sort of behavior in our establishment. His date went so far as to inform me it was a blind date, and apologized and asked him to drive her home... It was a great moment.

--rockwren

(To reply, click here.)

I live across the street from a Senior Center and sometimes walk over there for coffee or lunch. Quite a few of these "older gentlemen" just don't get messages regardless of how delivered. They tell the same shady jokes and make the same politically incorrect remarks over and over again. The women do the same it is just that our generation of women are not as uncouth today as are the men.

Prudie, this time, seems to know exactly what to do, excuse yourself and get back to work.

--janeslogin

(To reply, click here.)

Escalating the situation with the "depends" etc. is definately not a managerial approach to the problem and is likely to cause more trouble than to cure it. If I were the owner I would expect some people skills to be demonstrated by my manager. I would also expect her to be able to coach employees in developing the same skills.

On a personal note, I would expect a "thirty something married woman" to be a little more professional in her demeanor and a little less "oh my god , I can't believe he said that......."

--quietwife

(To reply, click here.)

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