The XX Factor: What women really think.

Don't Make Rules About Teen Sex

Emily, Jess, Hanna, when it comes to teens and sex, the language of "condoning" doesn't seem that useful to me. After all, it just reinforces a kind of pressure and rebellion, a dichotomy that takes authority and security away from the girl (or boy) trying to figure out how she feels about sex. And sex is, finally, extremely personal. That's part of what makes it so hard to agree about. So, Emily, rather than condone or disapprove, I think parents need to cast the discussion about teen sex in terms of autonomy and making good choices. (Also: Protection!!!) Basically, I think you say what my mom said to me, which is actually similar to what Tami said to Julia. In the midst of some crisis, I had mentioned that a friend of mine was having sex. My mom's response made me stop and think (even if it was awkward, too). She said, pretty simply, that sex was a very special thing that could be beautiful (yes, she used that word!), but sometimes wasn't. And that for my sake, she hoped I would make sure it happened in a way I felt good about. A lot of her meaning was conveyed in her tone and in her attitude, which was direct, inclusive, and not embarrassed. It had as large an impact on me as her words. It made me feel that having sex was my choice (which took it out of the realm of rebellious activity) but also that she had motherly hopes about how I'd feel about my choices. 

Because sex is so personal, the idea of assigning an abstract age at which it is "OK" for kids to have sex doesn't feel terribly useful to me. (I grant that under 15 seems too young.)  Put it this way: I had sex for the first time when I was 17, with a boyfriend I absolutely loved. In college a year or so later, I briefly went out with someone I liked but was much less close to. I am confident that if I'd "waited" and had had sex for the first time with him, I would not have felt as good or as secure about it. In other words, older is not necessarily better. Kids have to choose for themselves. They can only do this if they truly are choosing for themselves, if parents are helping them see that choice is a way out of peer pressure, and that their choice is valid. Talking openly--rather than handing down rules--has an additional boon: some studies show that countries or cultures where parents routinely talk to their kids about sex have the lowest rates of teen pregnancy and STDs.

On a side note: As a non-parent, it often seems to me that parents focus on the issue of age and sex because later always seems better to them. It means that much more time when they don't have to confront their own rightfully ambivalent, complex feelings about their kids having sex.