The XX Factor: What women really think.

Back to the Dating Game

Gimein's theory might completely hold water if dating actually were a pure auction, like eBay—where you can have your purchase shipped anywhere.  But in real life, people plunk themselves down in certain cities for lots of different reasons and aren't always ready to ship their goods elsewhere. To Gimein, a "New York-based writer," the scarcity of eligible men is a "a truth universally acknowledged." That's because, for whatever combination of reasons, more women than men find New York an appealing place to live.  But over in, say, Portland, Ore., there are more men than women who choose to call it home, and it might not be such a universally acknowledged truth (and maybe even less so in the broad nonurban swaths of the country that very seldom get addressed in debates like this). So if you've picked New York for certain cultural reasons, you're probably also looking for someone who values those same things. Leisure preferences are a shallow but convenient illustration of preferences that probably run a lot deeper.

The issue of what's considered "eligible" is a much more complicated one than Gimein's article lets on, full of value judgments and innate prejudices. It's also probably informed by the same values that helped you pick a city. So, maybe it's simply that there are fewer men who choose the sort of lifestyle that might make them seem eligible in the eyes of Gimien and others who inhabit his very particular social mien. Those who are constitutionally or circumstantially inclined to get married earlier do so, leaving behind a proportionately smaller pool in estrogen-heavy cities. So, even if the "8's marry 8's," however you happened to count to 8, there are more of them left over on the women's side in certain areas, including Gimein's hometown. Supply and demand.

This, of course, is  before you factor in studies that show men consistently prefer women who make less money and wield less power than they do (and it's not imprudent to assume that a 35-year-old woman has moved up the career ladder ). Add the fact that it's frowned upon for women to date younger men. So, the male dating pool widens as the female one narrows, ensuring that those "eligible" bachelors get more hands to play even as women get less. Hardly news, but it also turns the "women choose" assumption on its head and makes it even harder for me to go along with the premise Gimein sets up.

I'm not sure it's fair to apply a quantitative model to such a complicated qualitative search, even though it's great fun to do so. Yes, Gimien is probably right about decisiveness being a key factor if you want to get married—but only to a point, and hopefully that point doesn't bring you to Lori Gottleib levels.