-
sponsorship
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List Day.
This Wednesday: 10 reasons why using Twitter will boost your happiness.
I’m a huge fan of Twitter, and last night I was trying to persuade some friends, and later my sister, to give it a try. I think there are many ways in which Twitter can boost your happiness.
As a side note, it’s very appropriate to talk about happiness and Twitter, because the blue bird is the symbol for both. In fact, the blue bird on the cover of my soon-to-be-published book bears some resemblance to a few of the Twitter bird-logos.
1. Twitter allows you to pursue your passion – even if only in your imagination. A key to a happier life is to have fun – people who regularly have fun are twenty times as likely to feel happy. As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi noted in Creativity: “When something strikes a spark of interest, follow it.”
But sometimes, you just don’t have time to pursue your passion as much as you’d like. Many of my happiness-project resolutions are aimed at helping me make time for my passion. But if you can’t find the time, or if you’d like to spend even more time on your passion than you do, Twitter is a great source of conversation and ideas. If you love great food, Mad Men, green technology, college football, knitting, kidlit, writing paranormal erotic romance fiction, Apple -- or, like me, Virgina Woolf's The Waves -- you can find other people who are interested in the same thing, day or night. And for that reason, it also makes you happier because…
2. Twitter distracts you if you’re feeling blue. Studies show that distraction is a powerful mood-altering device. (In fact, men’s greater tendency to distract themselves from bad feelings may be one reason they are less prone to depression than women.) If you’re following a bunch of people whose posts interest you, you can always count on finding something that will catch your attention. It can distract you, and also…
3. Twitter can get you laughing. If you follow some people who are very funny, you can count on getting a little mood boost when you need it. Reading 140 characters takes just a few seconds, but it's enough to re-direct your mood. My current favorites: @borowitzreport and – forgive me, my beloved Laura Ingalls Wilder – @HalfPintIngalls.
4. Twitter helps you maintain loose relationships and strengthen strong relationships. One hot debate is whether technology will change Dunbar’s law – can you really handle more than 150 friends? Maybe not. But whether or not you can have more “friends,” technology certainly allows you to keep a better handle on acquaintances and virtual acquaintances. Far more than ever before, I’m vaguely aware of a huge number of people, some of whom I “know” and some I don’t “know,” and although that sounds overwhelming, it makes my life warmer and richer. Twitter, along with Facebook, blogs, Tumblr, and all the rest, allow you keep a little connection with lots of people without much effort.
5. Twitter lets you help other people. Do good, feel good. If you have friends who own stores or restaurants, who write books or articles, who perform music, who advocate for a cause, or otherwise want to direct attention someplace – or if you want to help strangers who are doing these things -- Twitter lets you shine a spotlight on their activities. Writers often say to me, “I don’t want to use Twitter because I don’t want to promote my work all the time.” Fine – so support the work of people you admire! Tweet about them. Speaking of which…
6. Twitter gives you a bully pulpit. I try to persuade people to commit to being organ donors. Through Twitter, I can repeatedly send this message out to a lot of people – and who knows, maybe I persuade some people to act.
7. Twitter lets you conquer a device. Mastering a new technology – whatever the technology is -- contributes to the atmosphere of growth in your life, and that boosts happiness. Because social connections are a key (perhaps the key to happiness), the fact that Twitter technology connects people makes this effect even more intense.
8. Twitter lets you feel like you’re in on the current thing, and that’s satisfying. Sure, something may replace Twitter, or it may lose popularity and fade away. Right now, though, a lot of people are using it and talking about it. It’s not possible to keep up with everything new – new music, new video-games, new TV shows, new iPhone apps – but Twitter is easy to use, so it's a good place to start if you want to feel current.
9. Twitter lets you share those funny little observations that float through your head. Some people scoff at Twitter, saying “I don’t want to read about what other people eat for breakfast.” Well, it’s true, people post too much about their airport travails – but in fact, it’s very amusing to read people’s comments on their everyday lives. And it’s even more amusing to think of your OWN comments! In the same way that carrying a camera sharpens your eye, knowing that you can communicate your clever aperçus makes you more observant and wittier.
10. Twitter makes gathering information easier. If you follow people who share your passion, they’ll help you keep abreast of everything happening in that area. And if you have a general question, crowd-sourcing it to Twitter is a great way to get an answer. When I wanted to know the PC equivalent for iMovie, and the definition of “steampunk,” I got answers right away. Most of all, Twitter is a super-efficient way to find out what other people find interesting.
These are all ways that Twitter can boost your happiness. Now, Twitter has one major drawback for happiness: it uses up time, and time is in short supply for most of us. It’s true, it’s an efficient way to scan headlines, keep up with passions, and connect with people, but the fact is, it may tempt you to spend too much time using it, or to use it to procrastinate from other, less enticing work.
Like most things, Twitter is a good servant but a bad master, and you have to figure out how to keep it under control. No staying up past your bedtime reading the #twilight stream. That said, it's worth figuring out how to work it into your life.
If I’ve convinced you, but you don’t know how to use Twitter, here are two additional tips:
-- Use Tweetdeck. I never could get the hang of Twitter until I started using Tweetdeck to access it. Go to Twitter, sign up for an account, then go straight to Tweetdeck and enter your account information.
-- Here’s a quick read on the basics of using Twitter. Even better, ask someone to walk you through it in person. Using Twitter isn’t hard, but you need someone to explain the key features (direct message, re-tweet, hashtags, 140 characters). For more great info on using Twitter, try Twitip by ProBlogger’s Darren Rowse.
Once you're on Twitter, follow me at @gretchenrubin.
If you're already on Twitter, what do you think? Does it boost your happiness?
* Ah, someone has a blog crush on me! I'm thrilled.
* It’s Word-of-mouth day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (see above for why you should be using Twitter!)
-- Pre-order the book for a friend (or yourself)
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
-
sponsorship
From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’m much more likely to be convinced to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him or her, than by any other kind of argument.
I love it when I get to meet blog friends face to face, and I had a great coffee the other day with my friends who run the Drinking Diaries. They told me to check out Mommy Wants Vodka (note: her writing is a bit profane and explicit, just so you know), and I immediately wanted to ask “Aunt Becky,” a/k/a Becky Sherrick Harks, about her views about happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Becky: Since I'm assuming that I can't fantasize here and say something outlandish like, “a non-addictive form of Vicodin that's magically transported into my medicine cabinet” or “non-fattening cheese fries” I will go with Option Number 2.
Writing. I love to write for my blog (Mommy Wants Vodka) and my audience who are an integral part of it. It's funny. I never realized that I had any sort of interest in writing. It was like waking up one day and realizing that I could speak perfect Persian without ever having taken one of those language courses. And now I find that I can't imagine my life without it. I'm trying to make a career out of it, not because I have to, but because I want to.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
At 18, I was pretty sure that happiness was juuuuuust around the corner. Just waiting for me. The next big thing was going to make me happy. If I could only land the perfect job or the perfect boyfriend or the perfect grades or the perfect whatever. I was waiting for other things and other people to make me happy. It took me years to learn that true happiness comes from within.
I will never be in control of what happens to me or around me, but I am in control of what happens within me and how I react to situations. Now I know that I alone can make me happy.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
My motto is something I read somewhere MANY years ago in the sort of new age-y type book that I really never read, but it's this: “Somewhere, someone is flying.”
For some reason, that image of someone evokes a fanciful happy blue carefree blue sky and reminds me that in the immortal words of the God (Mick) Jagger, “You got to scrape that shit right off your shoes.”
Dwelling does little good, after all. And somewhere someone IS flying.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I try to talk myself through it, kind of like the way they teach smokers to get through a craving, by focusing on something else completely. If I can distract myself from the sadness, or talk myself through it by reminding myself that I'm either being a) rational or b) irrational (depending, of course, on the situation) I end up feeling better.
Then, I focus the all of that energy on doing something productive with my hands. I tend to my massive rose garden or my orchids, I plant, I create something where there was nothing. Or I nurture something and revel in what I am growing. By filling the empty space with something, I feel whole again.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
We've all been dealt some pretty crappy cards in life at one point or another. I am the product of two alcoholics, and my childhood was not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting, if you can imagine it. But we can all walk around with a big red VICTIM painted on our forehead, expecting people to tiptoe around our feelings and give us special dispensation for our VICTIM status, or we can dust ourselves off, accept that it sucked pretty hard and move on.
The people who have the VICTIM on their foreheads are the ones that I see that are in a cycle of unhappiness because they're always blaming other people. It's hard to get over, I know. I know.
We all have skeletons in our closets. We might as well pull them out and make 'em dance.
* I always enjoy a visit to Zen Habits -- great material on "simple productivity."
** If you're interested in launching a group for people who meet to do their happiness projects together, sign up for the starter-kit. More than 3,300 people have requested it. You might also like to check out the Facebook conversation for group leaders -- that's a good resource if you're getting started.
-
sponsorship
There’s a very common occupational hazard that affects writers, but I’ve never heard anyone talk about it: the desire to write outside your main field.
I know a journalist who took a sabbatical to write a novel, which turned into a short story. I know a science writer who is writing a play. I know a novelist who is writing a memoir.
This change can be exhilarating and fun, because it’s a new creative challenge – and that contributes to a happy life.
It can also be a bit of a pain, because these projects can feel…oppressive. With writing, often, there’s a strange feeling of compulsion. You just have to write about something. I remember hearing Kathryn Harrison remark on a panel, when asked how she chose her topics, “You really have surprisingly little control about what you want to write about.” I knew exactly what she meant. I had to write a book about power, money, fame and sex -- when I was clerking for Justice O’Connor, I was writing that book on the weekends. A few years later, I felt I couldn’t go another day without working on a biography of Churchill.
Of course, you can choose what you write about. You just can’t choose what you want to write about.
For the last few years, for example, I’ve been desperately fighting the urge to write a book about St. Therese of Lisieux. I have a lot to say, and I think most of her biographers seriously mis-read her writing, and I’d love to set everyone straight. But I resist because I’m not Catholic, I have no doctrinal expertise, I don’t even speak French! No one would read my book – but how I would love to lay roses at the feet of my spiritual master, St. Therese.
Although I write non-fiction, three times in my life, I’ve had an uncontrollable urge to write a novel. My problem is that I’m not much of a storyteller, and these were “novels of ideas.” Which, I know quite well, is not a good way to write a novel. One novel was about the apocalypse, one was about why people destroy their own possessions (I later wrote a non-fiction book, Profane Waste, on this subject, in collaboration with artist Dana Hoey, and it worked much better in that form), and most recently, I wrote a novel-in-a-month about the happiness consequences of two people having an affair. (I describe this experience in The Happiness Project book.)
One of the reason I love Chris Baty’s novel-in-a-month approach is that for a writer, it can be a gigantic distraction, and therefore a work liability, to have these projects press on you. They get in the way of the work you really need to get done. It’s fun, it’s creative, it’s satisfying, yes, but writers, like everyone, need to be productive in the work for which they’re paid.
This has happened to me, yet again. I have this idea for a novel – but for once, in a nice change, it’s not a novel of ideas. Well, it is a little bit. But it has more plot than usual. And it actually has some real characters in it. It’s also a young-adult novel, which I’ve never tackled before, although I’m a huge fan of children’s and young-adult literature.
But what’s the point of view? I imagine it like a movie, distant third-person narrator, but I need to locate it in my main character’s point of view…but then how to handle the gradual reveal of the secrets I want to emerge slowly?
And how do you kill someone without killing him? I need one of my likable main characters to kill another of my characters, but not really kill him. Any ideas? For example, in Harry Potter, one character dies but doesn’t really die; another character is killed, but isn’t really killed, because he was already mortally injured. In Star Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobi tells Darth Vader, “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.” He gets killed, but not really killed. I think I need to re-read Plutarch’s Lives and Polti’s The Thirty-Six Dramatic Situations…maybe there are some ideas there. (Speaking of Polti, has anyone ever updated his scheme, to provide more modern titles to illustrate his thirty-six situations?)
I can’t say describe the plot, because it would sound utterly ridiculous, as is always true of fantasy novels. Let’s just say there are no dragons, but there could be dragons. People have super-powers. It has a lot to do with honor and vows, and it would let me write about “symbols beyond words,” one of my untapped major interests. Tree. Horse. Blood.
But I really don’t have time to be fussing with this right now!
I mentioned this dilemma to a friend while we were waiting in line to see New Moon on Friday night (yes, I went the first day, I love the Twilight saga). She’s an editor and a YA writer herself, and she said, “You should just write it! That’s the happiness project thing to do!”
She’s absolutely right. It would make me very happy to write that novel, and I could again follow the scheme in No Plot! No Problem to get it done. But while it would be fun, it would also be draining and difficult and distracting. Plus, I would really try to make it good, but it probably wouldn’t end up being good – and if I go to the trouble to write a book, I really want it to be good. It would be “play,” in that I’d be doing it for fun, but it would use up precisely the same energy that I use for “work.” More time at the keyboard, can I stand it? Of course, it might energize me as well.
Two additional factors loom in the background: first, I’m extraordinarily lucky to be a working writer, debating whether to do this extra project for fun. I never forget that. Second, the writing world as we know it is collapsing. I’m not sure how to factor that fact in.
So what to do? I can’t see past the publication date for The Happiness Project, looming so close and yet so far on December 29, so I think I’ll hold on to my idea, try to come up with a way to kill my character without killing him, and promise myself that I’ll make a start on this novel this summer, if I still feel the urge.
* So much fun to read through 1000 Awesome Things -- and the book is coming out soon, too.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
-
sponsorship
"The truest mark of being born with great qualities is to be born without envy."
--François de La Rochefoucauld
* I spent a lot of time cruising around the great site Parenthacks this morning. Good stuff!
* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox -- it lets you track your own happiness project, online. And you can see what other people are doing, which is fascinating.
-
sponsorship
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of my favorite resolutions, because it’s so much fun to keep, is Read at whim. Instead of trying to be very targeted about my reading, as I once tried to be, I let myself read whatever I want to read.
The other day, at coffee with my blogpals Caren and Leah from the great site, Drinking Diaries, Leah highly recommended Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat: The Last Book on Screenwriting That You’ll Ever Need. She wasn’t writing a screenplay, but she said that the book was extremely helpful for writing any kind of story.
I’m not writing a screenplay, or a novel either, but it sounded intriguing, so I picked up a copy. And she’s right, it’s a fascinating look at storytelling.
Save the Cat also included a terrific exercise to foster creative thinking. Doing these types of games can boost happiness -- even for people who don’t consider themselves to be particularly “creative.”
This kind of playful thinking is – fun! It’s fun to mess around with ideas, to have new thoughts, to come up with a great idea. It’s stimulating. It might even inspire you to write a screenplay or start a novel. (Shameless teaser: in my forthcoming book, I talk about my experience of writing a novel in a month, inspired by the book, No Plot? No Problem!, written by Chris Batyk, also the founder of National Novel Writing Month. Yes, I wrote a novel as long as The Great Gatsby in thirty days.)
Sometimes creativity exercises are a bit boring – what’s the one with the candle, the cup, the matches? – but these exercises by Snyder, meant to jump-start ideas for movies, are very amusing:
1. Funny _____
Pick a drama, thriller, or horror film and turn it into a comedy.
2. Serious _____
Likewise, pick a comedy and make it into a drama. Serious Animal House – Drama about cheating scandal at a small university ends in A Few Good Men-like showdown.
3. FBI out of water.
This works for comedy or drama. Name five places that a FBI agent in the movies has never been sent to solve a crime. Example: “Stop or I’ll Baste!”: Slob FI agent is sent undercover to a Provence Cooking School.
4. _____ School
Works for both drama and comedy. Name five examples of an unusual type of school, camp, or classroom. Example: “Wife School.”
5. Versus!!
Drama or comedy. Name several pairs of people to be on opposite sides of a burning issue. Example: A hooker and a preacher fall in love when a new massage parlor divides the resident of a small town.
6. My ______ Is a Serial Killer
Drama or comedy. Name an unusual person, animal, or thing that a paranoid can suspect of being a murderer.
Feeling creative helps boost happiness, and it’s also true that while people often associate brooding melancholy as the spirit most appropriate to creative outpourings, research shows that people are more creative when they’re feeling happy. If this sort of thing appeals to you, check out Blake Snyder’s website. It has great information and exercises for screenwriters.
* I love this video of a pebble frog. Ah, nature! It looks like CGI, but it's real.
* Ah, that teaser caught your interest, and you want to pre-order The Happiness Project! Great! Here's the link to all your favorite bookstores.
-
sponsorship
This week, I finished the audiobook for The Happiness Project. As I’d expected, it made me very happy to learn to do something new and to get a glimpse into the unfamiliar world of sound recording.
It was also thrilling to learn that none other than Jim Dale had sat in the very same seat that I was using, when he was recording Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. It took him three weeks! And they had top, top security.
What surprised me most about the recording process was how emotional I became while reading certain parts of the book. I literally choked up and had to take a drink of water and a deep breath before I could continue (quite embarrassing).
At first, it surprised me that I could go so worked up about something I myself wrote, but then I realized why this made sense. It's not that the book is sad, but rather that it touches to my heart so closely.
For example, as I was reading the very first page, I got a catch in my voice when I read the concluding paragraphs in the “Note to the Reader”:
I would never have supposed that a witty lexicographer with Tourette syndrome, a twenty-something tubercular saint, a hypocritical Russian novelist, and one of the Founding Fathers would be my most helpful guides—but so it happened.
I hope that reading the account of my happiness project will encourage you to start your own. Whenever you read this, and wherever you are, you are in the right place to begin.
Also, I got teary when I read this part:
I said to him, “Someday, we’ll look back, and it will be hard to remember that we ever had such little kids. We’ll say, ‘Remember when Eleanor still used her purple sippy cup, or when Eliza wore ruby slippers all the time?’”
He squeezed my hand. “We’ll say, ‘That was such a happy time.’”
The days are long, but the years are short.
I really lost it when I read the book's final paragraph:
The year is over, and I really am happier. After all my research, I found out what I knew all along: I could change my life without changing my life. When I made the effort to reach out for them, I found that the ruby slippers had been on my feet all along; the blue bird was singing outside my kitchen window.
These passages may not be moving, taken out of context, but in the book they are -- well, at least to me! That’s one of the many ways that the book and blog differ – it’s harder to tell an affecting story on a blog. The format is just different. Also, on the blog I need to keep discussion very short, but in the book, I can expand stories and analysis. (I think I did manage to convey emotion in the little video, The Years Are Short, but that has music, photos, the works.)
* I always find a lot of interesting material to read when I visit Daniel Pink. I cannot WAIT to read his new book, Drive: the Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us. Just my kind of thing.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
-
sponsorship
Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Back by popular demand...fifteen tips to avoid nagging.
I've posted this list before, but I'm posting it again, because the issue of nagging is something that people raise with me frequently in discussions of happiness. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged -- so figuring out how to end nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.
But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage, or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?
One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!
That's something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
1. It’s annoying to hear a hectoring voice, so suggest tasks without words. When my husband needs a prescription filled, he puts his empty medicine bottle on the bathroom counter. Then I know to get it re-filled.
2. If you need to voice a reminder, limit yourself to one word. Instead of barking out, “Now remember, I’ve told you a dozen times, stop off at the grocery store, we need milk, if you forget, you’re going right back out!” Instead, I call out, “Grocery store!” or “Milk!”
3. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to trim those hedges today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to trim the hedges?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to trim the hedges before our party next week?”
4. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”
5. Have clear assignments.
6. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.
7. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen.
8. Do it yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.
9. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement.
10. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think.
11. Don’t push for the impossible. There’s no way I’ll do anything relating to our car, so my husband doesn’t even ask.
12. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t mock the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.
13. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.
14. Remember that messy areas tend to stay messy, and tidy areas tend to stay tidy. If you want your partner to be neat, be neat yourself!
15. Remind yourself -- generally, nagging doesn't work.
Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed?
Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn't notice, and doesn't care. In that case, it's hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I'm a naggee as well as a nagger. If that's your situation -- what do you do? What advice to do you offer?
* Take a Walk on the Happy Side is an absolutely extraordinary blog. Maggie says she was inspired by me, but I'm far more inspired by her. She has identical twin boys, now 4 1/2, with Down syndrome, and she's been posting recently about their surgery and their difficult recovery. I'm awed by Maggie's determination and sweetness of spirit. Check it out.
* Word-of-mouth Day! Today, I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (and follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Pre-order the book for a friend
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.
-
sponsorship
From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’m much more likely to be convinced to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him or her, than by any other kind of argument.
Sometimes, in ways that I don’t really understand, I begin to overlap with people in blogland, to the point that I feel like I should introduce myself.
This happened to me recently with Gwen Bell. Her name and her writing kept popping up, and finally I thought, “I need to say hello to Gwen Bell.” (This shows how far I’ve come in my resolution to “make new friends.” A few years ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of a cold-call email.)
Gwen Bell is a blogger and social media guru – she actually is a social media guru, unlike many people who claim that title. She and Chris Guillebeau just wrote The Unconventional Guide to the Social Web to help people figure out how to spread the word using social media. At the same time, she also does mind/body/tech workshops – one with Danielle LaPorte.
I know Chris and Danielle, now I know Gwen, in a perfect example of triadic closure—our tendency to befriend the friends of our friends. For people who are interested in how technology influences personal relationships, it’s worth noting that this triadic closure took place practically entirely VIRTUALLY. I’ve never met Chris or Gwen in person, and I’ve only met Danielle once. But triadic closure is still at work.
One of the best ways to get to know someone is to ask them a lot of questions about happiness (and lucky me, I have an excuse to do that).
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Gwen: Practicing yoga.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
You get to make happiness happen. To rely on someone else to "make" you "happy" is to live in a state of illusion.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I think that I prefer to kill things off rather than to let them peter out to a pitiful end (see my answer to question 7). And for that reason, I sometimes end a project or relationship before it has taught me the lesson it needs to teach me. This is a pattern I'm aware of and working with.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
To be happy you have to serve others. In order to best serve others you have to practice self-study and self-reflection.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Walking around (often with a camera in hand), noticing whatever arises. That, or striking up a conversation with a stranger. Being completely present with whatever comes up.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Adds: recognizing things for what they are, practicing life (as opposed to "just living" or "getting by"), simultaneously setting and relaxing around the goal-concept. Detracts: failing to see that to be alive is to suffer.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I had a particularly dark time in my life following my mom's death (I was eleven, she was 30—it was a long illness). I'm not sure that I ever went back to the state of naivete I occupied before her death. People observe my melancholy when they meet me and I think it surprises them sometimes. Online, melancholy simply doesn't compute. One of the most important lessons I've learned (through a decade of practice with Zen Buddhism) is that melancholy is perfectly normal—it's neither happy nor unhappy—and it's all right to walk slowly through it.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I work on being happier in three ways:
- learning new skills,
- asking questions of myself and others,
- showing up for others.
How do you cultivate an atmosphere of growth?
I keep a minimalist home. I sit regularly. I only travel carry-on. I surround myself with positive people - and encourage them as often as possible. I write posts that stretch my readers and myself. And I check in often with my personal manifesto to make sure I'm on track - without obsessing if I get off course. I make growth a daily practice.
* Speaking of small-world-getting-smaller-through-technology, I just saw a video of my SISTER on Sarah Fain Has Starfish Envy! (They're writing partners.) I love the internet!
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
-
sponsorship
Sometimes people ask, “If you had to pick just one thing, what would be the one secret to a happy life?” The answer is clear: strong bonds with other people. If I had to pick one thing, that’s it. The wisdom of the ages and the current scientific studies agree on this point.
On that subject, I just finished a fascinating book by John Cacioppo and William Patrick, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. The book underscores the conclusion that few things will challenge your happiness more than loneliness.
Without thinking it through, I’d assumed that being lonely would make people warmer, more eager for connection, and more accepting of differences in others. If you’re lonely, you’re going to be open to making friends and therefore more easy-going, right?
To the contrary! It turns out that being lonely has just the opposite effect:
— Loneliness “sets us apart by making us more fragile, negative, and self-critical.” (174)
— “When people feel lonely they are actually far less accepting of potential new friends than when they are socially contented.” (180)
— “Lonely students have been shown to be less responsive to their classmates during class discussions, and to provide less appropriate and less effective feedback than non-lonely students.” (181)
— “When people feel rejected or excluded they tend to become more aggressive, more self-defeating or self-destructive, less cooperative and helpful, and less prone simply to do the hard work of thinking clearly.”(217)
— Bonus loneliness tidbit: “People with insecure, anxious attachment styles are more likely…to form perceived social bonds with television characters.” (258)
Loneliness makes us so anxious and worried about rejection that it distorts our thinking and our behavior.
This argument supports the arguments against the two most pernicious happiness myths: Happiness Myth #1—Happy people are annoying and stupid and Happiness Myth #10—It’s selfish to try to be happier. Cacioppo and Patrick make the convincing case that socially contented people (a/k/a happy people) tend to be kinder.
The obvious next question is, “Well, I’m lonely, and I’m not happy. What do I do now?” Loneliness didn’t address that question, alas.
The book includes a quiz so you can score yourself on the UCLA Loneliness Scale. I scored a 31, where a score lower than 28 is low-loneliness; above 44 is high-loneliness; and 33-39 is the middle of the spectrum.
* A thoughtful reader pointed me to the wonderful My Big Walk—"One woman. One year. One thousand miles." Laura Lico Albanese decided to celebrate a milestone birthday by walking one hour, every day, for 365 days—and to blog about it. A fabulous happiness project! I love it!
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
-
sponsorship
“We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.”—William Hazlitt
Yet another reason why we have a duty to be happy. I know I'm less quarrelsome when I'm happy.
* I'm not a foodie, so I don't often explore the wild, delightful world of foodie blogs. But I know Melanie Rehak, so I regularly check out Eating for Beginners—"on food, farming, and raising a family"—where my favorite feature is "Friday Food Writers."
* No matter where you like to buy your books—from the Amazon to the Indies—here you'll find an appropriate link for purchasing The Happiness Project. Buy early and often!
-
sponsorship
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few weeks ago, I posted eight excellent tips for living that my parents gave me. Soon after, I ran into a friend who said, “I loved the tips your parents gave you. My mother had a great one, too. She always said, ‘When you’re in a hurry, take your time.’ ”
I thought this sounded like great advice, and now I’m absolutely convinced. Yesterday, as I was rushing to leave my apartment, I ran through the kitchen and pulled out a container of yogurt to gulp down before I left. (I had broken my resolution “Don’t let myself get too hungry.")
Because I was hurrying, I wasn’t careful about pulling out the yogurt, and I knocked over a plastic container of tapioca pudding my husband had left on the shelf. The container fell out, exploded, and tapioca pudding flew all over my shoe, all over the kitchen floor, and splattered back up into the refrigerator. It took me several trips with a sponge to get everything cleaned up. My shoe may never fully recover.
If I hadn’t been in such a hurry, I would have left my apartment much faster.
Looking back, I realize how much hurrying slows me down. I forget to bring my Filofax if I leave in a rush. My husband lost his wallet in a cab because he was running late. Hurrying makes me forget things, drop things, mess up.
I find with e-mail, too, if I have a “Faster, faster, faster!” frame of mind, I answer too quickly. I don’t address every issue raised in the e-mail. I don’t attend carefully enough to who is sending it. I have trouble, later, remembering the exchange. I delete e-mails I should keep. In the end, rushing consumes more time.
Of course, I don’t want to poke along, either. I’m reminded of Miyamoto Musashi’s observation from A Book of Five Rings: “Speed is not part of the true Way of strategy. Speed implies that things seem fast or slow, according to whether or not they are in rhythm. Whatever the Way, the master of strategy does not appear fast….Of course, slowness is bad. Really skillful people never get out of time, and are always deliberate, and never appear busy.”
So now when I feel myself rushing, I’m going to remind myself, “Wait, I’m in a hurry—I need to take my time.” Again, the elusive (for me) but ever-important quality of mindfulness!
What about you? Have you found that it helps to take your time when you’re in a hurry?
* Yes, I love time-lapse photography of nature, and here’s a beautiful sunset over a lake. I love it, but it makes me melancholy too, in a pleasant way. I think there’s a Japanese word for that – for the bittersweet beauty of time passing. Anyone know it?
* I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format – trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.
-
sponsorship
People often ask, “What's something surprising that you've learned about happiness?” Here's one thing: I was very surprised by the truth of the principle that novelty and challenge bring happiness.
I believed that this observation was true for a lot of people, but I didn’t think it would be true for me. I love routine. I revel in the little pleasures of my ordinary day. I don’t like to travel. I don’t even like to go to new restaurants. My favorite thing to do is to hang around the house and read in my pajamas.
But I had to test that theory for my book, and I discovered—yes, this is very true. I realized—and studies confirm—that novelty and challenge often mean delayed happiness. First comes a stressful period of feeling frustrated, stupid, exposed, insecure, confused … but along with that discomfort, you get a big surge of happiness.
That’s exactly what happened to me with my blog -- in fact, I started the blog solely for the purpose of testing that principle, and my blog has proved it to me.
Today I’m going to do something novel and challenging. I’m off to record the audiobook for The Happiness Project. I’m going to read my entire book aloud – they estimate it will take eleven hours! (Mercifully spread over four days.)
What will it be like to listen to my own voice for eleven hours? Will I have enough liveliness in my voice, or too much? I imagine it’s pretty tough to strike the right balance. I’ve listened to Jim Dale read Harry Potter and Cherry Jones read the Little House books – extraordinarily good.
Also, what will I think of own book, when I’m reading it aloud instead of silently? I’ve heard of writers who read their work aloud as part of the editing process, but I’ve never tried that.
This process will be novel and challenging, but in the end, I imagine it will bring happiness. I'll go to a new part of town, in a new environment with new people doing something new -- and the experience will very likely boost my happiness. I’m certainly happy and feel very lucky that my publisher decided to do an audiobook at all.
* I'd heard of The Pioneer Woman before, of course, but I hadn't gotten around to visiting it until Pamela Redmond Satran told me to check it out. Funny stuff there.
* If you're interested in launching a group for people who meet to do their happiness projects together, sign up for the starter-kit. More than 3,300 people have requested it. You might also like to check out the Facebook conversation for group leaders -- that's a good resource if you're getting started.
-
sponsorship
Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day or List Day).
This Wednesday: Eleven myths of de-cluttering.
One of my great realizations about happiness (and a point oddly underemphasized by positive psychologists) is that outer order contributes to inner calm.
But as much as most of us want to keep our home, office, car, etc., in reasonable order, it’s tough. Here’s a list of some myths of de-cluttering that make it harder to get rid of stuff.
Myths of Cluttering:
1. "I need to get organized." No! Don't get organized is your first step.
2. "I need to be hyper-organized." I fully appreciate the pleasure of having a place for everything, and perhaps counterintuitively, I believe it’s easier to put things away in an exact place, rather than a general place (“the third shelf of the coat closet,” not “a closet.”) However, this impulse can become destructive: If you’re spending a lot of time alphabetizing your spices, organizing your shoes according to heel height, creating 80 categories for your home files, etc., consider whether you need to be quite so precisely organized. I find this particularly true with toys—I’ve spent hours sorting pretend food, Polly Pockets pieces, and tea sets, only to find everything a jumble the next day.
3. "I need some more inventive storage containers." See no. 1. If you get rid of everything you don’t need, you may not need any fancy containers.
4. "I need to find the perfect recipient for everything I’m getting rid of." It’s easier to get rid of things when you know that you’ll be giving them to someone who can use them, but don’t let this kind intention become a source of clutter itself. I have a friend who has multiple piles all over her house, each lovingly destined for a particular recipient. This is generous and thoughtful, but it contributes mightily to clutter. Try to find one or two good recipients, or if you really want to move your ex-stuff in multiple directions, create some kind of rigid system for moving it along quickly.
5. "I can’t get rid of anything that I might possibly need one day." How terrible would it be if you needed a glass jar and didn’t have one? Do you have gigantic stores of things like rubber bands or ketchup packets? How many coffee mugs does one family use?
6. "I might get that gizmo fixed." Face it. If you’ve had something for more than six months, and it’s still not repaired, it’s clutter.
7. "I might learn how to use that gizmo." Again, face it. If you’ve had a gizmo on the shelf for a year, and you’ve never used it to make gelato or label a sugar jar, it’s clutter.
8. "I might lose a ton of weight and then I’d fit into these clothes again." If you lose a bunch of weight, you’ll want to buy a new pair of jeans, not a pair you bought seven years ago.
9. "I need to keep this as a memento of a happy time." I’m a huge believer in mementos; remembering happy times in the past gives you a big happiness boost in the present. But ask yourself: Do I need to keep all these T-shirts to remind me of college, or can I keep a few? Do I need to keep an enormous desk to remind me of my grandfather, or can I use a photograph? Do I need 50 finger-painted pictures by my toddler, or is one enough to capture this time of life? Mementos work best when they’re carefully chosen—and when they don’t take up much room!
10. "I need to keep this, because the person who gave it to me might visit my house and be hurt when it’s not on display." Is that person really likely to visit? Is that person really likely to remember the gift? Will the person really be upset by the lack of viewing of the gift?
11. "If I have any available space, I should fill it up with something." No! One of my Secrets of Adulthood is Somewhere, keep an empty shelf. I know where my empty shelf is, and I treasure it.
* Today I had coffee with the fabulous Pamela Redmond Satran, author of many books, including the recent New York Times best-seller How Not To Act Old and the absolutely hilarious blog of the same name. Enter at your own risk—dangerously addictive, book and blog both.
* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is the day when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
-
sponsorship
Although it may seem reductive, I think people grasp and remember great truths better when they’re snappily summed up. I love epigrams, aperçus, apothegms, and aphorisms of all sorts, and I try to to sum up my happiness conclusions in catchy, yet of course profound, axioms.
My greatest success so far: The days are long, but the years are short. That short sentence says it all. (If you haven’t seen my one-minute video, check it out.)
I was thinking about my Second Splendid Truth. Just getting it down to these two statements took enormous effort on my part. It sounds so simple, but there is a circularity to these ideas that confused me for a long time:
One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make someone else happy;
One of the best ways to make someone else happy is to be happy yourself.
So true, so true. But not very snappy.
But yesterday I hit on this!
Happy people make people happy.
This simple language almost makes this point sound trivial, but the epigram actually conveys what I think is one of the most important arguments about happiness—and it also refutes pernicious Happiness Myth no. 1.
Also ...
Making people happy makes people happy.
Again, the language is simple, but the argument is one made throughout the ages by great philosophers, religious readers, and scientists.
I especially like the first one. Zoikes, I get a ridiculous amount of pleasure from inventing these epigrams.
In other happy news: The Happiness Project got a mention in the new issue of Vanity Fair, in the “FanFair” section. Yippee! (Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention that my book is coming out next month?) In case you want to run right out to see it, it’s in the issue that has Robert Pattinson on the cover—very appropriate because yes, I am going to see New Moon on opening night.
* I was fascinated by this post by Christine Whelan, Self-Help Isn’t for Dummies. According to her research, and contrary to what some folks assume, people who tend to buy self-help books are people who already have a fair measure of self-control and want even more.
* If you’re in a book group and think you might choose The Happiness Project as a reading selection, please let me know. I’ll send you a discussion guide, plus I plan to give away some free advance copies of the book, and I’ll choose addresses from these emails.
● E-mail me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com (don’t forget the “1”) with the message “book group"
● include your name and address if you’d like to be eligible for a free book
● if you’re willing, I’d love to know a little about your group: how many members, what you read, etc. No particular reason, I’m just curious about book groups!
-
sponsorship
My First Splendid Truth is: To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. Although this sounds like a simple and rather obvious formula, it took me a huge amount of time and thinking to work it out.
Even once I’d come up with it, however, I didn’t understand the true importance of the fourth element, the atmosphere of growth. But the more I think about the elements of a happy life, the more convinced I’ve become of its importance.
How do you cultivate an atmosphere of growth? You can fix something broken; clean something up; help someone who’s in trouble; make something; help someone move forward; learn something new; start something; plan and execute something. Having a place in your life where you are “growing” will make you feel much happier – plus these kinds of activities tend to foster other happiness-boosting actions, like spending time with people, making new friends, anticipating something fun, trying something new and challenging, etc.
One of my favorite ways to “grow” is to read something that changes the way I view the world. Suddenly, everything comes into focus more clearly, and my understanding deepens.
I felt this way when I read McCloud’s Understanding Comics, Tufte’s The Visual Display of Quantitative Information, Bataille’s The Accursed Share: Consumption (I thought my head would explode when I read that, still have never been able to re-read it), Woolf's The Waves, Canetti’s Crowds and Power, Koestenbaum’s Jackie Under My Skin…
I have a special fondness for analysis that’s heavy on lists, categories, and schemes. That’s how I think myself – whether about power, money, fame and sex, or the life of Winston Churchill, or a happiness project, I always impose a very strict explicit order on my subject.
I’m enjoying this experience of intellectual revelation right now, because I’m halfway through the extraordinary book, Christopher Alexander’s The Nature of Order: Book One: The Phenomenon of Life. I already had this experience reading Alexander before, because I still haven’t recovered from the ecstasy of reading A Pattern Language. I’m slowly working my way through everything Alexander wrote, and The Nature of Order is not disappointing me.
In a nutshell, Alexander is outlining the qualities that give “life” to design – in the man-made world and in the natural world. Since I began this book, I find myself looking at buildings, fabrics, shells, everything, in a new way. One of the great, fundamental interests of my life is the relationship between people and objects (why, I have no idea, but this subject fascinates me) – plus I have an obsession that I call “symbols beyond words” which incorporates some of Alexander’s ideas.
Alexander identifies “fifteen structural [and also, he argues, objective] features which appear again and again in things which do have life”:
1. levels of scale
2. strong centers
3. boundaries
4. alternating repetition
5. positive space
6. good shape
7. local symmetries
8. deep interlock and ambiguity
9. contrast
10. gradients
11. roughness
12. echoes
13. the void
14. simplicity and inner calm
15. non-separateness
Considering his arguments is giving me tremendous intellectual pleasure -- in particular, because I’m not a visually oriented person, they're giving me a very satisfying tool for looking at the world and understanding what I find pleasing. (Though I have to admit, I just don’t appreciate a good Turkish carpet design the way Alexander does.)
The atmosphere of growth can be particularly useful to consider when you’re feeling unhappy, because it’s an area that’s directly under your control, right away. You can do something now to create an atmosphere of growth.
True, when you're feeling blue, it can be tough to push yourself to learn something new, or get something started, or whatever. So start small. Search for an area where you can foster a bit of growth.
* I always find a lot of interesting, and funny, material on RealDelia -- "finding yourself in adulthood."
* Volunteer as a Super-Fan, and from time to time, I'll ask for your help. Nothing onerous, I promise! But a big help to me.
-
sponsorship
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of the most surprising, and useful, things I’ve learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel.
Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.” By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself.
I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it’s uncannily effective.
Lately, I’ve been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me – maybe it’s due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot).
As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that’s contributing to my feelings of sadness.
It sounds far-fetched – that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation – but I have indeed caught myself wondering, “Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?” My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response.
Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can’t make angry, frowning faces.
Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I’m feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt -- when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.
It really works. When I can make myself do it.
How about you? Have you ever experienced a situation where a change in your actions has changed your emotions?
* Last weekend was the New York City marathon, which is a very big deal for everyone living in New York City. It creates a very festive feeling, even when you’re not running, or watching the race, or even following it on TV. It’s a very happy event. I loved watching this time-lapse video on Gimundo of a single city block during the race.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
-
sponsorship
On the Inspiration Board of the Happiness Project Toolbox, people have posted a staggeringly interesting array of happiness-related quotations, images, book suggestions, and Web site recommendations.
It seems like a good idea to create a place here where people can shine a spotlight on happiness-boosting blogs and Web sites—so I'm making a chart. List your favorite here. And don't feel shy about adding yourself to the chart.
There is such a treasure trove of material out there; it's hard to keep up with all the great sites to visit. I hope this list will be a good resource.
* I'm a huge fan of the writer Daniel Pink, so I was very interested to watch his TED talk on motivation. I can't wait to get my hands on his new book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us—but will have to wait until it comes out in December. I may be slightly distracted at that point, because my book hits the shelves on the very same day. What a coincidence.
* Speaking of the Happiness Project Toolbox—check it out! It has eight free tools to help you launch and track your own happiness project.
-
sponsorship
Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for boosting your energy.
Feeling energetic is a key to feeling happy. Studies show that when you feel energetic, you feel much better about yourself. On the other hand, when you feel exhausted, tasks that would ordinarily make you happy—like putting up holiday decorations—make you feel overwhelmed and blue.
When my energy feels at an ebb, I try one of these techniques. (Well, first I drink something with caffeine in it, but if I feel like I need to take further steps, I try these strategies.)
1. Exercise—even a quick 10-minute walk will increase your energy and boost your mood. This really works! Try it!
2. Listen to lively music.
3. Get enough sleep. If the alarm blasts you out of a sound sleep every morning, you’re not getting enough—and it matters. (Here are some tips for getting good sleep.)
4. For some people, taking a 10-to-30-minute nap is a big help. I can’t nap, myself, but my father has been known to take three naps in one day.
5. Act energetic. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up. Also, because the way we act influences the way we feel (to an almost uncanny degree), by acting energetic you'll make yourself feel more energetic.
6. Talk to friends. I’ve noticed that if I’m feeling low and then run into a friend on the street, I walk away feeling much more energetic. Reach out if you need a boost. This is true for introverts and extroverts alike.
7. Get something done. Crossing a nagging chore off your to-do list provides a big rush of energy. For a huge surge, clean out a closet. You’ll be amazed at how great you feel afterward.
8. Do NOT use food. It’s tempting to reach for a carton of ice cream when you’re feeling listless, but in the end, all those extra calories will just drag you down. In general, be wary of the urge to treat yourself when you're feeling low.
Energy (or lack of energy) is contagious. If you feel energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too. And that makes them feel happier. In fact, in his excellent book, The No A***ole Rule, Bob Sutton reports that being an energizer was one of the strongest predictors of a positive performance evaluation at work.
* How great! Groups for people who are doing happiness projects together have launched all over the world, and the group in Singapore, led by Marion, got written up in the magazine Her World. Click here if you want a starter kit.
* It’s Word-of-Mouth Wednesday! This is when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
● Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
● Link to a post on Twitter
● Pre-order the book for a friend
● Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the best.
-
sponsorship
From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’m much more likely to be persuaded to try a piece of advice urged by a specific person who tells me that it worked for him or her, than by any other kind of argument.
I’m a new fan of the hilarious blog Mom-101, so I was curious to hear what writer Liz Gumbinner had to say about happiness.
She writes about parenthood and life in general on her blog and in anthologies like Sleep Is for the Weak: The Best of the Mommybloggers, True Mom Confessions, and See Mom Run (just out this week). She’s also the publisher/editor-in-chief of Cool Mom Picks. I was especially interested in Liz when I found out that she also lives in New York City. (I rarely seem to meet any NYC bloggers—why is that?)
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Liz: Oh man, you're going to make me start this off with the cheesiest, most cliche answer ever—but hugging my kids. There's something about two little girls squealing and running toward you with arms outstretched that is the singularly most exquisite example of happiness that ever existed. (And to think my former answer was "pedicures.")
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I used to have the cause and effect thing all backward. I thought that if, say, the right boy liked me, it would make me happy. Now I know that it's happiness that attracts good people into your life. Also, I now know that that right boy grows up to be bald, twice-divorced, and a drunken slob at high school reunions.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
I am the quintessential people-pleaser. I try to make everyone else happy, which often puts me last. I need to stop that. I mean, if you're OK with that.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
There's a story about a king who challenges his wise men to bring him something that, when he's sad it will make him happy, and when he's happy it will make him sad. They spend months on the project, and return to him with a small ring engraved with the saying, "This too, shall pass." It's a great reminder that everything is cyclical.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I am now outing the dorky new-agey side of myself, but I love the little bag of runes I've had since college. If I'm in a tough spot, I draw a rune, and it always gives me some much-needed perspective on the situation. Of course, there's always mac 'n' cheese, a glass of Pinot Noir and some bad escapist reality TV, which is like the emergency comfort trifecta.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
The happiest people seem to be very focused on whatever they are doing. Unhappy people seem to be very focused on what other people are doing. (With the exception of reality-TV-watching, because really, those aren't actual people, right?)
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I think overall I'm a happy person—I once had a co-worker ask what medication I was on, because I was always smiling. This was not the same co-worker who asked me if my boobs were real. (Aw, those were the days.) But I've certainly gone through some dark periods of depression or anxiety or sadness. One of the toughest times for me was when I was pregnant for the first time. I was on bedrest, I gained a lot of weight, my relationship wasn't the best it's ever been, and I felt like nothing more than an incubator. I got through it with the support of friends and family who loved me unconditionally and the knowledge that my situation was finite. See, also: "This too shall pass."
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
For me, the opposite of happy isn't sad; it's anxious. So I try to avoid the people and situations that stress me out and don't bring joy into my life. I try to stay off the blogs that exist only to be cruel, I don't follow drama-starters on Twitter, and I have banished all the energy suckers from my circle of friends. In fact, I think taking inventory of who your friends are at any given time is a pretty strong indicator of where your own head is. I'm so lucky right now that Kristen Chase, my partner and co-publisher of Cool Mom Picks (and a great friend!) is so collaborative and positive and supportive in every way as is the rest of our staff. I feel lucky every day to have such positive, wonderful people in my work life day to day.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t—or vice versa?
I tried going blonde for a while. It didn't make me happier, although it definitely changed the kinds of guys who tried to hit on me in bars.
* Although I don't meet many NYC bloggers, I do manage to meet a lot of far-flung blogland friends when they come through New York. I'm a longtime reader of Beyond Blue, so am very happy to be meeting Therese Borchard in person, at last. I predict a long conversation about St. Therese of Lisieux, too. Can't wait.
* For more discussion about happiness, join the Facebook Page. Lots of people, lots of fascinating conversation.
-
sponsorship
A significant factor in happiness is the hedonic treadmill, or hedonic adaptation.
People are adaptable. We quickly adjust to a new life circumstance—for better or worse—and consider it normal. Although this helps us when our situation worsens, it means that when circumstances improve, we soon become hardened to new comforts or privileges. Scoring air-conditioning, a bigger house, or a fancy title gives us only a brief boost in happiness before we start to take it for granted. As Aldous Huxley wrote, “Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.” That’s the hedonic treadmill.
One cure for this “hedonic treadmill” is deprivation. Deny yourself something, and your pleasure in it will be re-activated when the denial stops.
I’m being reminded of this truth the tough way, through the painful deprivation of some small things I’ve taken for granted for years and never realized how much they contributed to my happiness: my contact lenses.
For the past month, I’ve had a particularly stubborn case of viral conjunctivitis, and although my eyes don’t hurt or itch (for which I am very grateful), they're bloodshot and tear constantly. My doctor told me I’d recover more quickly if I didn’t wear my lenses.
Boy, I didn’t realize how much my contact lenses added to my base level of daily happiness. First, my glasses frames dig into my head behind my ears, and that hurts and gives me a headache. Second, my glasses are about 15 years old, and I look goofy in them. (Having bloodshot, watery eyes isn't improving my looks, either.) Third and most important, I just can’t see as well with my glasses. I’m legally blind—extremely near-sighted—and glasses just don’t work as well as contact lenses. (An eye doctor once told me, “Your vision is so corrected that you’ll see everything slightly smaller than it actually is,” a puzzling statement that sounds like the opening of a Steve Wright routine.) And somehow, not seeing clearly makes me feel like I’m not thinking clearly.
Ah, contacts! How I took them for granted. How happy I’ll be to wear them again. So often I complained to myself about the chore of putting them in and taking them out, of visiting the drugstore to buy the two kinds of solution I need (this is tough for me, as an underbuyer), of having to be careful not to rip or lose them. I won’t be complaining again for a long time.
Deprivation is one of the most effective, although unenjoyable, cures for the hedonic treadmill.
* Oh my goodness, the brilliant Fred Wilson of A VC called me a blog star! That makes me very happy.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.