The Happiness Project: How To Be Happier

More Tips about Making and Keeping New Year's Resolutions Than You Could Want

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: More tips about making and keeping resolutions than you could want.

In 2009, the top three resolutions made by Americans were:
- Losing weight (20 percent)
- Quitting smoking (16 percent)
- Spending less (12 percent)

Did you make any of these resolutions on Jan. 1, 2009? Did you keep them? Many people make and break the same resolution year after year. (To take just one example, I've made and broken the resolution to "Entertain more" for years. See below.) In fact, about 80 percent of resolution-makers abandon their resolutions by mid-February.

But one thing I’ve learned from my happiness project: keeping resolutions is a key to happiness. If you want to make a positive change in your life, you need to figure out what to resolve, and how to keep that resolution.

Because resolution-keeping has been so important to my own happiness project, I’ve written about it several times. So, to give you a boost as you launch your 2010 New Year’s resolutions, here are some of my favorite discussions about resolutions:

Five tips for planning effective New Year’s resolutions.

Twelve tips for sticking to your New Year’s resolutions.

The resolutions NOT to make for your New Year’s resolutions.
(You’ll see that the person interviewed is clearly a “yes” resolver, as discussed in the second post above – in fact, it was her comment here that got me thinking about the distinction between “yes resolvers” and “no resolvers.”)

Should you have goals or resolutions?

A menu of resolutions for your consideration.

Six tips to hold yourself accountable for keeping your resolutions.
Accountability is the essential element for keeping resolutions.

How you, too, can copy Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin inspired the design of my Resolutions Chart, which turned out to be a key part of my happiness project. (If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com -- write “resolutions chart” in the subject line.)

Why I stopped drinking alcohol (more or less).

Do you have trouble sticking to your resolutions? Turns out that it really does matter.

Why NOW is the time to start keeping your resolutions.

The movie “Twilight” inspires me to do a better job with some of my resolutions.
I have to admit, this is one of my all-time favorite posts that I've written.

Don’t try to keep that resolution.
In which I give up my longstanding resolution to "Entertain more."

Don’t try to keep that resolution—Part II.
In which I realize that giving up the resolution to "Entertain more" actually allowed me to plan a party.

Feeling fired up for your 2010 resolutions? Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. Sign up here.

Also, check out the tools on the Happiness Project Toolbox. They’re designed to help you track your own happiness project.

Being happier can seem like an elusive, complicated goal, but by taking little steps, you can change your life for the happier. I am still amazed by what a difference my happiness project has made in my happiness.

* I just can't resist posting a link to this review of my book on Communicatrix. As a writer, it's tremendously gratifying to read the response from a reader who understands EXACTLY what you were trying to do!

* As I'm checking now, I'm no. 40 on the Amazon Top 100 Bestsellers list! Hooray!

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
— Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
— Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
— Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 31,000 people get it)
— Buy the book 
— Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year
— Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
— Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

Decide Now To Make 2010 a Happier Year

It’s the last week of 2009, and the new year begins on Friday—a great time to make some resolutions. About forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions; there’s something about that fresh year stretching out in the future that makes it an auspicious time to attempt a change.

If you want a boost in keeping your resolutions, or you want some ideas for useful resolutions to try, please consider joining the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. (Many people will be glad to see 2009 fade into the past!)

I created a sign-up sheet, so you can add your name to the pledge. It’s worth taking a minute to sign up; studies show that taking an action, like signing a pledge, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions.

Each month, I’ll propose an area of life to tackle for your happiness project. Each week, I’ll suggest one or two simple, manageable resolutions to consider (in fact, you may find some of them laughably manageable -- but they all worked to boost my happiness). Of course, every happiness project is different, and I’m just throwing out some ideas. Your happiness project will look very different from mine.

Categories:
• January—Energy
• February—Love
• March—Work
• April—Money
• May—Mindfulness
• June—Order
• July—Spirit
• August—Fun
• September—Family
• October—Friends
• November—Attitude
• December—Boot Camp Perfect

A few thousand people have joined the petition already—add your name! Make 2010 a happier year.

One thing I’ve learned from my happiness project—and it’s an uncomfortable truth—is that novelty and challenge bring happiness. In fact, the reason I started this blog was to force myself to do something novel and challenging, and it has indeed brought me huge happiness.

My latest new challenge is to do a video series. So, for the 2010 Happiness Challenge, each week I’ll be making a two-minute video, in which I talk about the proposed resolution. This feels quite novel and challenging—which is to say, I feel intimidated, frustrated and uncomfortable when I’m working on the videos.

But happiness theory predicts that with time, as I get the hang of making videos, they’ll contribute to my happiness. We’ll see! Whether or not they contribute to my happiness, I hope that the videos will help give you ideas and encouragement for your own happiness project. I'll unveil the first video on January 1.

As part of the 2010 Happiness Challenge, you can also check out the Happiness Project section on WomansDay.com. Lots of great stuff there.

Now, maybe you don’t believe that “happiness” actually exists, or you argue not that it’s possible to be “happy.” Even so—do you think it’s possible to be happier? That’s what the 2010 Challenge is meant to do. Make you a bit happier.

* I always enjoy cruising around Awake at the Wheel, Jonathan Fields's blog on "tips, strategies, and conversations at the crossroads of work, life, entrepreneurship and play."

* Tomorrow The Happiness Project officially goes on sale (!) and you can...
Pre-order! (if you do pre-order, here’s how to get your bonus materials)
Check out the book tour info!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!
Read about how reading the book differs from reading the blog!

Five Tips for Planning Effective New Year’s Resolutions.

Forty-four percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions, and I know I always do. I’m more inclined to make resolutions than ever, in fact, because if my happiness project has convinced me of anything, it has convinced me that resolutions – made right – can make a huge difference in boosting happiness.

So how do you resolve well? This is trickier than it sounds. Here are some tips for making your resolutions as effective as possible. Remember, right now, you’re in the planning stage. Don’t feel like you have to do anything yet! Just start thinking about what would make 2010 a happier year.

1. Ask: “What would make me happier?” It might having more of something good – more fun with friends, more time for a hobby. It might be less of something bad – less yelling at your kids, less nagging of your spouse. It might be fixing something that doesn’t feel right – more time spent volunteering, more time doing something to make someone else happier.

2. Ask: “What is a concrete action that would bring about change?” One common problem is that people make abstract resolutions, which are hard to keep. “Be more optimistic,” “Find more joy in life,” “Enjoy now,” are resolutions that are hard to measure and therefore difficult to keep. Instead, look for a specific, measurable action. “Distract myself with fun music when I’m feeling gloomy,” “Watch at least one movie each week,” “Buy a lovely plant for my desk” are resolutions that will carry you toward those abstract goals.

3. Ask: “Am I a ‘yes’ resolver or a ‘no’ resolver?” Some people resent negative resolutions. They dislike hearing “don’t” or “stop” or adding to their list of chores. If this describes you, try to find positive resolutions: “Take that dance class,” “Have lunch with a friend once a week.” Or maybe you respond well to “no.” That’s my situation. A lot of my resolutions are aimed at getting me to stop doing something or to do something I don’t really want to do. Don't expect praise or appreciation. Follow the one-minute rule. There’s no right way to make a resolution, but it’s important to know what works for you. As always, the secret is to know your own nature.

4. Ask: “Am I starting small enough?” Many people make super-ambitious resolutions and then drop them, feeling defeated, before January is over. Start small! We tend to over-estimate what we can do over a short time and under-estimate what we can do over a long time, if we make consistent, small steps. If you’re going to resolve to start exercising (one of the most popular resolutions), don’t resolve to go to the gym for an hour every day before work. Start by going for a ten-minute walk at lunch or marching in place once a day during the commercial breaks in your favorite TV show. Little accomplishments provide energy for bigger challenges. Push yourself too hard and you may screech to a halt.

5. Ask: “How am I going to hold myself accountable?” Accountability is the secret to sticking to resolutions. That’s why groups like AA and Weight Watchers are effective, and there are many ways to hold yourself accountable. I keep my Resolutions Chart (if you’d like to see my chart, for inspiration, email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin.com--just write "resolution chart" in the subject line). Or you could track your resolutions online using the tools at the Happiness Project Toolbox. Or you could form a goals group – or even a happiness-project group! (For a starter kit for starting a happiness-project group, click here.) Accountability is why #2 is so important. If your resolution is too vague, it’s hard to measure whether you’ve been keeping it. A resolution to “Eat healthier” is harder to track than “Eat salad for lunch three times a week.”

* I always find a lot of posts worth checking out on Lisa Belkin's New York Times blog, Motherlode.

Does Everyone Need a Theme Song? Come On, Get Happy.

Because I literally cannot resist this call to happiness, here is the “Come On, Get Happy” theme song from The Partridge Family television show. I sat grinning away as I listened to it.

And speaking of getting happier, join the 2010 Happiness Challenge! Start your own happiness project and make 2010 a happier year.

To help people stick with their happiness projects, I’ve set up a sign-up sheet so you can add your name to the 2010 Year of Happiness challenge. It’s worth taking a second actually to sign up; studies show that doing an action, like signing this pledge, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions.

The areas of focus will be:
• January--Energy
• February--Love
• March--Work
• April--Money
• May--Mindfulness
• June--Order
• July--Spirit
• August--Fun
• September--Parenthood
• October--Friends
• November--Attitude
• December--Boot Camp Perfect

Of course, these categories are just my suggestions. You might choose to focus on very different areas for your happiness project.

January 1 is always a good time to make a resolution – 44% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions – so by adding your name now, you’re committed to taking action when January 1 rolls around. You might also consider using the online tools over at the Happiness Project Toolbox (bonus: you can see what other people are doing, which is fascinating.)

Also, check out the great material at Woman’s Day Happiness Project page. I particularly enjoyed this recent post on Gym Culture, Some Observations.

Make 2010 a happier year. Come on, get happy.

* The book The Happiness Project is coming out on December 29, so you can...
Pre-order! (if you pre-order, here’s how to get your bonus materials)
Check out the book tour info!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!

Don’t Try to Keep That Resolution, Part II

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Several weeks ago, I posted about why I’d decided to give up my oft-repeated, but never kept, resolution to “Entertain more.”

I decided that I needed to let go of this resolution. Even though I knew that in the long run, it would make me happier to have friends over, I realized I was feeling too overwhelmed to keep that resolution; it was weighing me down without prompting me to action; and I needed to let myself off the hook.

The funny thing is that about two days after I decided to give up that resolution, I invited my two (yes, two) children & young-adult literature reading groups over for a holiday party! Now, was this a coincidence? Nope.

This is what happened: the minute I went on the record saying “I can’t handle trying to invite people over right now, I’m not going to do it,” I let go of the fantasy of being the perfect party-giver, and then I could give a party. When I invited my friends over (by email, by the way, not with a mailed invitation), I stressed that the evening would be extremely casual and that I couldn’t manage a “real” party. They didn’t care! The party was last night, and in the end, I managed to do a good job. We all had a great time, I was a reasonably good hostess, my house looked nice, and I didn’t make myself crazy beforehand. (This despite the fact that my husband had to go out of town that week, so he couldn't help.)

One of my Secrets of Adulthood (cribbed from Voltaire) is “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” My mother sets a high bar for me to consider—she does everything, including parties, absolutely beautifully. She enjoys doing it, but for me, it’s stressful. When I think about trying to have a holiday party the way she’d do it, I can’t cope. Telling myself that I wasn’t “really” entertaining let me do it in my own way, at a level that I could handle.

So if you’re having trouble keeping a resolution, consider pursuing it in a less “perfect” form; settle for the "good." If you can’t make yourself go to the gym, try to go for a walk around the block. If you can’t tackle your crowded garage, clean out one corner. If you don't have time to volunteer for the adult-literacy program, you can sign up to be an organ donor.

A nice thing about settling for “good” when “perfect” is too daunting is that achieving a small thing often gives you the energy to attempt a bigger thing. Having such a good time giving my un-party makes me more enthusiastic to do it again.

If you feel inspired to try to keep some resolutions—either small ones or big ones, good or perfect – consider joining in 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year. Each month I'll suggest a theme (e.g., Energy, Work, Family) and resolutions to help you boost your happiness. Learn more—sign up!

* I've been a fan of Bob Sutton's books (especially The No A**hole Rule) and his blog Work Matters for a long time, so I sent him an advance copy of The Happiness Project. I was HAPPY beyond description to read his incredibly kind response, and I can't resist linking to it here: The Happiness Project--I Hate Self-Help Books But Love This One.

* In the category of goofy yet compelling, check out this short video of people recreating the London skyline out of fruits and vegetables.

* Free bonus materials: Pre-orders give a big boost to a book, so to thank readers for pre-ordering, I've put together some bonus materials. After you pre-order, just email me at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail.com and write "I've pre-ordered," and I'll send them to you. Honor system. (Don't worry if you pre-ordered a while back, just email anyway.) Materials include:
--The Happiness Project Manifesto: a quick summary of some of the most important observations about happiness (Bob Sutton's fascinating 15 Things I Believe helped inspire me to write a manifesto)
--Top Tips: tips that people have found particularly helpful
--Resolutions Chart: my own personal Resolutions Chart, for you to consider as an example. The last page is blank, so you can use it as a template for your happiness project.

Resolve to Make 2010 a Happier Year.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Last year was a tough year for a lot of people, but January brings a fresh start. Ask yourself: what would make you happier? Cleaner closets, less yelling, more fun? Make it happen in 2010!

In 2010, each month, I’ll propose an area of life to tackle, and once a week, over the next four weeks, I’ll suggest concrete, manageable resolutions to help you boost your happiness – and I’ll periodically remind you to stick with them. Also, assuming I manage to pull this off, I’m going to do a series of short videos on the proposed resolutions and why they matter.

To help people stick with their happiness projects, I’ve set up a sign-up sheet so you can add your name to the 2010 Year of Happiness challenge. It’s worth taking a second actually to sign up; studies show that doing an action, like signing this pledge, will help you hold yourself accountable for your resolutions.

The areas of focus will be:
• January--Body
• February--Love
• March--Work
• April--Money
• May--Mindfulness
• June--Order
• July--Spirit
• August--Fun
• September--Parenthood
• October--Friends
• November--Attitude
• December--Boot Camp Perfect

Of course, these categories are just my suggestions. You might choose to focus on very different areas for your happiness project.

January 1 is always a good time to make a resolution – 44% of Americans make New Year’s resolutions – so by adding your name now, you’re committed to taking action when January 1 rolls around.

Now, some people argue with the term “happiness” and maintain that it’s not possible to be “happy.” But even people who can’t agree on what it means to be “happy” can agree that most people can be “happier.” And that’s the goal of the 2010 Year of Happiness challenge – in some way, to make yourself happier.

Join in.

* Nothing like a great time-lapse nature video of light in the Alps for a Friday!

Eighteen Tips that Aren't—It Turns Out—From a Churchyard

I was over at a friend’s house—for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact—where I saw her framed copy of "Desiderata." (Desiderata is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.

I always thought "Desiderata" was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.

1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen.]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.

My favorite is No. 18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy—that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!

Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:

Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Which item do you find most important in your own life?

* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.

* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.

Choose the Bigger Life; No-Pressure Knitting

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox—it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own one-sentence journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my lists, etc.

But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s personal commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top or on the “more” running down the right side.)

Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox. These are resolutions posted by other people that I’m going to start to follow myself:

1. Say “I love you” every day.
2. Choose the bigger life.
3. Read books with my children.
4. Laugh with my wife daily [OK, I’ll change this to “husband”].
5. Kindness.
6. Put clothes away.

I don’t knit, so I won’t follow the resolution “no pressure knitting,” but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.

One note: I see that a lot of people have the resolution to “drink more water.” It’s not clear that this is a helpful resolution. Maybe you don't need to drink more water. If you love drinking water, then by all means, drink water, but from what I can see, the benefits are quite overblown, so you don’t need to worry about this too much.

We all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so make sure you’re getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. You'd probably be better off using your precious resolution energy toward going for a 10-minute walk instead of trying to drink water.

What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness projects?

* Ashby Jones at the Wall Street Journal law blog did a two-part interview with me this week. We had a great time talking about happiness, lawyers, and career choices in general.
Part I
Part II

* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting commentary there.

Learn From the Past

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

We all make mistakes and have things go wrong, but one resolution I try very hard to keep is “Learn from the past.”

Many of my most significant happiness-boosting actions—large and small—have come in reaction to things that went wrong.

To take a small example: It was only after thinking hard about why I was so often crabby during lovely family vacations that I recognized the problem: I was hungry. Once I understood what had gone wrong on previous trips, I was able to come up with a solution: Now I make sure to pack almonds and other snacks whenever I travel.

To take a large example: In college, I didn’t participate in any extracurriculars—no sports, no newspaper, no drama, no singing group, no soup kitchen, no sorority. I didn’t think much about it during college, but during the two years between college and law school, with more perspective, I came to regret that I hadn’t been more involved. I vowed that in law school, I would take part in more extracurricular activities, and I did. Of these, the most significant was the Yale Law Journal, where I ended up being editor in chief—which ranks as one of the most important experiences of my whole life.

To take a medium example: I stopped drinking, more or less, because after stopping drinking during my pregnancies, I became such a lightweight that just one glass of wine had a big effect on me—and not a good effect. Alcohol made me sharp-tongued, indiscreet, insensitive, belligerent, and sleepy. The day after a social occasion, I often felt terrible about how I'd acted. To address this, I need to start drinking more, to build up my tolerance, or less. For me, giving up alcohol most of the time—I still have the occasional glass of something—makes me happier.

It’s hard to learn from the past, because that process means that I have to look long and hard at things in my life that didn’t go right—where I failed or was disappointed or didn’t rise to the occasion or felt regret, guilt, or anger. And reliving that past is no fun.

It's also difficult to do. One way I "learn from the past" is to apply my Eighth Commandment, Identify the problem. What did I wish had been different about that family trip? About college? About that party the other night? When I really look carefully to identify an exact problem—not just a vague feeling of dissatisfaction—I often see a solution.

Whenever I do “learn from the past,” I find it very satisfying. Not only do I manage some aspect of my life more happily, but I also have the exhilarating sense of having corrected something, of having redeemed myself—yes, I'll say it, of turning lemons into lemonade.

Has there been an occasion when learning from the past allowed you to do something more happily in the present?

* One of my new favorite blogs is the wonderfully thought-provoking Starfish Envy, started by my sister's writing partner. "I'm thirty-seven. I'm successful. I'm single. Now what?" And as fascinating as it is, it's superfascinating to see a friend's blog. It gives you a whole different insight into a person's mind and life.

* Join the discussion over on the Facebook Page. Check it out!

How Do You Remember To Count to 10?

I'm quick-tempered, and one of my greatest happiness-project challenges is to bite my tongue; an excellent way to boost my happiness is to keep my resolution to "Leave things unsaid." In the end, I'm always happier when I don't make some angry or snarky comment. But easier said than done.

This is particularly difficult with my husband. Even when I manage to leave some comment unsaid three times, four times, five times, often a version of that comment pops out of my mouth in a weak moment.

I've made big strides in this area since I started my happiness project, but I still have a long way to go.

Mindfulness is the key, but my challenge is to find a way to be mindful in an angry, annoyed, or hurt moment. When I remember to "count to 10," I can usually manage to do it, but often I say something I regret before it even occurs to me to count to 10. One of the reasons that St. Therese of Lisieux is my spiritual master is that she writes so well about the struggle to leave things unsaid.

The best way to leave things unsaid is to leave them unthought, or if I've thought them, not to dwell on them. I've noticed—no surprise—that the more clearly, and the more often, I've articulated some grudge or criticism in my mind, the more likely I'll give voice to it.

Have you found any good ways to count to 10, to leave things unsaid, to keep yourself from ruminating?

Self-mastery. As Leonardo da Vinci wrote, "One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself."

* Yet another happiness-project group is forming! I’m especially thrilled to see this one starting, because it’s in my own neighborhood of Manhattan. Check out the Facebook Group or e-mail NYCHappiness@live.com for more information, and if you know someone who might be interested, please pass along the link.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 26,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.

Join or Start a Group—Like a Happiness-Project Group

One of the happiness-project resolutions that I’ve found to be most effective—and also the most fun—is to Join or start a group. Since I started my happiness project, I’ve joined or started seven groups, each of which has added dramatically to my happiness.

Some people are interested in starting or joining a group for people doing happiness projects—to my astonishment, more than 2,000 people have sent for the starter kit for people launching such a group. (Click here if you'd like to sign up for a kit yourself.)

I’m wildly interested in what these groups are doing, so am thrilled whenever I hear news. There are groups forming in cities like Dallas/Fort Worth, Boston, Gainesville, Fla.—even Singapore!

Nicole’s group, in Enid, Okla., has more than forty members (incredible). Nicole suggested that everyone begin by deciding on three or four resolutions, and she offered several great suggestions about making an effective resolution (start small; keep it concrete; hold yourself accountable by keeping a chart, whether online at the Happiness Project Toolbox or on paper), and she offered her own resolutions as an example:

1. Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day.
2. Exercise at least twice per week.
3. Choose my arguments more wisely.
4. Take more notes so I do not forget things so easily.

Nicole made another excellent point to the Enid group, which I echo in different words in my Secrets of Adulthood. She reminded everyone, “Remember, you’ll only get out of this what you’re willing to put in!” Very true. (My version is “No deposit, no return.”)

Michael’s group in L.A. has an unexpected geographic challenge: thirty-two people are interested in joining the group, and they’re spread all across the vast L.A. area. To keep the drive easier for people, Michael has suggested that they break into two groups, to keep meeting as convenient as possible. Very smart! Convenience matters a lot! However, having a committed leader matters a lot, too, so I hope someone steps forward to lead the new, second group if it forms.

Dani is launching a group in the Washington, D.C., area. If you’re interested in joining, e-mail her at positivepresent@gmail.com. Her excellent blog is Positively Present.

Group leaders, please do join the Facebook Discussion Page for group leaders. From time to time, I’d like able to contact you directly—for instance, I’m sending you all a little surprise in the mail this week—and if you’re on that page, I’ll be able to find you.

What about the tri-state area (New York, Connecticut, New Jersey)? I live in New York City and would love to see a happiness-project group form in my own backyard. If you’ve started one, let me know! Maybe I can come to the kick-off meeting.

* I was interested to see this Marriage Calculator at Divorce360. My result? "People with similar backgrounds who are already divorced: 14%. People with similar backgrounds who will be divorced over the next five years: 3%." Apparently that puts me at average risk for divorce.

Eight Tools for Boosting Your Happiness

Every Wednesday is Tip Day or List Day.
This Wednesday: 8 tools to help you boost your happiness.

This is an exciting week for me! First, my book became available for pre-order. For the first time, the book feels real.

Second, and even more thrilling, the Happiness Project Toolbox is finally ready for prime time. Yes, it’s ready! I’ve been working on this companion site for so long; it’s hard to believe it’s actually going out in the world at last.

What is the Happiness Project Toolbox? As I was working on my happiness project, I invented several methods that helped me to boost my happiness. My One-Sentence Journal, my Personal Commandments, my Secrets of Adulthood, and of course—most important of all—my Resolutions Chart.

I remember exactly where I was when I got the idea for the Toolbox. I was walking up Lexington Avenue, between 77th and 78th streets, when I thought, “Wow, it would be great to have a site where people could chart their resolutions.” About 10 steps later, I thought, “But a site like that should also allow people to keep their one-sentence journals, or post their happiness hacks.” Then it hit me. A Happiness Project Toolbox! I was so struck by the idea that I literally stopped in my tracks—I remember that the woman behind me ran into me and shot me a very annoyed look as she passed.

It was easy to have the idea; hard to turn it into reality. As with so many things in life, if I’d known how challenging it would be, I might not have attempted it. But now that it’s ready, I’m so happy I did it.

Novelty and challenge bring happiness; they also bring frustration and anxiety. In this case, despite periods of frustration and anxiety, I also had a tremendous amount of fun—in large part because of the brilliant, creative people at the Chopping Block, the web-design firm that built the site. They love the project, too—they wrote, “The Happiness Project Toolbox is easily among the best projects in our twelve-year history. We're excited about the potential for building of a large community audience.”

They had a lot of good ideas to add, and also helped me figure out if some of my ideas were possible. For example, I’ve always been mesmerized by PostSecret, and I’m fascinated whenever people post on my blog with their own Personal Commandments, etc. (for example, I think often of one commenter's Personal Commandment, "Choose the bigger life"), so one of my favorite Toolbox features is the ability to see other people's posts—unless they choose to keep entries private, of course. It’s superaddictive to read other people’s Personal Commandments, browse through their Inspiration Boards, learn from their Happiness Hacks … utterly absorbing. (Use the bar across the top to see other people’s entries.)

The Happiness Project Toolbox offers eight free Tools:
• Resolutions: record and track your resolutions.
• Group Resolutions: challenge several people to a group resolution.
• One-Sentence Journal: keep a journal on any subject you like (my online one-sentence journal is “What I’m reading today”).
• Personal Commandments: identify principles to guide your life.
• Secrets of Adulthood: record what you’ve learned so far.
• Happiness Hacks: share your hacks about clutter, exercise, mindfulness, etc.
• Lists Tool: keep any list: to-do, favorite things, things-to-do-before-I-die, etc. 
• Inspiration Board: pull together your favorite books, quotations, images, and Web sites.

The amazing Super-Fans group got the first look at the Toolbox. Thanks again, Super-Fans, for your enthusiasm and your efforts! The Super-Fans were great about alerting me to problems. When I sent out the link, I thought the site was perfect, but of course, when hundreds of people tested it, they discovered a lot of bugs. Now it should be working very well indeed.

However, there still may be some issues to iron out. I’d really appreciate it if you let me know if you have a problem (or praise). It would be a huge help, though, if instead of e-mailing me directly, you post to this discussion on the Facebook Page. That way, the Web designers can see your comment and address it, without me needing to act as a go-between. It’s helpful to know what browser (and version) you use and whether you’re on PC or Mac.

I had a great time designing the Happiness Project Toolbox. Check it out! I hope it will help you reflect on your values, keep your resolutions, and pull together material that inspires you. And I hope it’s fun! Please pass the link on to anyone else who would enjoy it.

* If you'd like to work on your happiness project, but are more drawn to the idea of doing it with other people instead of using the Toolbox, sign up here for a starter kit for launching a group for people doing happiness projects. Groups have started from L.A. to Enid, Oklahoma, to Boston.

Want To Feel Happier? A Menu of Resolutions.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A reader sent me the link to Jonathan Haidt's article, "It’s More Fun to Work on Strengths Than Weaknesses (but It May Not Be Better For You)," from May 2002. I was particularly interested to read it because I very much liked Haidt’s book, The Happiness Hypothesis.

The purpose of the article was to examine whether people benefited more from working on their strengths or working on their weaknesses, drawing upon the Values in Action Classification of 24 strengths/virtues, but what interested me most was the article’s Appendix. It provides a big menu of suggested activities for people to consider as they work on their strengths or weaknesses.

If you’re trying to think of resolutions for boosting your own happiness, this list is a great place to get ideas. (The list is aimed at college students living in Charlottesville, Va., but it's easily adapted to other situations.)

What I like about this list is its specificity. Making resolutions like “Have more joy” or “Live more deeply” are abstract, and so it’s harder to act on them. Resolutions are more effective when they direct you to a very concrete action.

1. Curiosity and Interest in the World
a. Ask question in class
b. Discover new places
c. Explore the stacks in the library; browse widely, or pick an interesting looking book each day, and spend 20 minutes skimming it.
d. Eat something new that you never otherwise would have tried
e. Go to a meeting or hear a speaker

2. Love of Learning
a. Discover one new place in C’ville every day
b. Read a newspaper other than the Cav Daily
c. Go to a professor’s office hours without a question
d. Ask a question in class
e. Go to an online search engine like Ask Jeeves-ask a question and explore sites you never otherwise would have discovered
f. Every day, read a chapter of a book that is not an assigned class text
g. Read a book about something you’ve always found intriguing but never found the time to learn more about.

3. Judgment, Critical Thinking and Open-Mindedness
a. Go to a multi-cultural group or event.
b. Play devil’s advocate and discuss an issue from the side opposite to your personal views
c. Take a hall/suitemate out to lunch who is different from you in some way.
d. Go to a different church or religious event
e. Every day, pick something you believe strongly, and think about how you might be wrong.

4. Creativity, ingenuity and originality
a. Keep a journal, work on a picture or poem
b. Submit a piece to a literary magazine or newspaper
c. Decorate a notebook or your room
d. Pick one object in your room and devise another use for it rather than its intended use
e. Find a new word every day (perhaps at dictionary.com) and use it creatively every day.
f. Change your profile on IM daily

5. Social Intelligence
a. Meet one new person each day by approaching them
b. Go into a social situation in which you would normally feel uncomfortable and try to fit in
c. Whenever you talk with someone, try to figure out what his or her motives and concerns are.
d. Encounter someone by themselves and by being friendly, include them in your group.

6. Perspective (Wisdom)
a. Get a quote a day online
b. Give advice to an upset friend
c. Think of the wisest person you know. Try to live each day as that person would live.
d. Look up prominent people in history and learn their views on important issues of their day and/or find a significant quotation that they said.

7. Valor
a. Talk in class (if you don’t normally)
b. Go against peer pressure or social norms
c. Stand up for someone even if you disagree with him/her.
d. Ask someone out or to dance
e. Introduce yourself to a stranger next to you in class
f. Speak up for an unpopular idea (if you believe in it)

8. Industry diligence and Perseverance
a. Finish work ahead of time
b. Notice your thoughts about stopping a task, and ignore them. Focus on the task at hand.
c. In class, resist daydreaming and distractions.
d. Plan ahead- use a calendar for assignments and tests.
e. Set a high goal (e.g., for exercise, or studying) and stick to it.
f. When you wake up in the morning, make a list of things that you want to get done that day that could be put off until the next day. Make sure to get them done that day.

9. Honesty, Authenticity and Genuineness
a. Refrain from telling small, white lies, to friends (including insincere compliments). If you do tell one, admit it and apologize right away.
b. Monitor yourself and make a list of every time you tell a lie, even if it is a small one. Try to make your daily list shorter every day.
c. At the end of each day, identify something you did that was attempting to impress people, or put on a show. Resolve not to do it again.

10. Zest, Enthusiasm, and Energy
a. Go out of your way to become more involved in an organization you are already a part of
b. Take up a greater interest in one of your classes, i.e. volunteer for a class activity
c. Do something because you want to, not because you are told.
d. Get a good night’s sleep and eat a good breakfast, to give yourself more energy during the day.
e. Do something physically vigorous in the morning (e.g., jog, push-ups)

11. Kindness and generosity
a. Leave a huge tip for a small check.
b. Do a random act of kindness every day (a simple, small favor). Make it anonymous if possible.
c. Be a listening ear to a friend. Ask them how their day was and actually listen to the answer before telling them about your own day.
d. Send an e-card to a different friend each day.
e. Pay the whole tab when you are out with friends.

12. Capacity to Love and be Loved
a. Tell boyfriend/girlfriend/sibling/parent that you love them
b. Send a loved one a card or e-card to say that you were thinking about him/her.
c. Give loved ones a big hug and a kiss
d. Write a nice note where someone you love will find it sometime during the day. Do this in a new place, or for a new person, every day.

13. Citizenship and Teamwork
a. Volunteer at Madison House
b. Take on added responsibility within an organization you are already a part of
c. Pick up litter that you see on the ground
d. Clean your suite, hall, or lounge (anywhere communal)
e. Organize a hall/suite dinner
f. Do your share in a group work/as a facilitator

14. Fairness, Equity and Justice
a. Allow someone to speak their peace while keeping an open mind by not passing judgment
b. Stay impartial in an argument between friends despite your beliefs (be the mediator)
c. Notice when you treat someone based on a stereotype or pre-conception; resolve not to do it again.

15. Leadership
a. Organize something special for your friends or suitemates one evening.
b. Organize a study group

16. Modesty
a. Don’t talk about yourself at all for a full day.
b. Dress and act modestly, so as not to attract attention to yourself.
c. Find a way in which someone you know is better than you. Compliment him or her for it.

17. Self-Control and Self-Regulation
a. Set aside 2 hours (or other designated amount of time) and ACTUALLY study in a quiet place.
b. Work out four days a week (if you don’t already)
c. Clean or organize your room. Every day, make sure that you pick up whatever mess you made during the day.
d. Leave something unfinished on your plate that you usually regret eating afterwards.
e. When something upsets you, attempt to block it out of your mind and instead focus on the good things in your life.
f. Make a resolution to not gossip. When you feel the urge to talk about someone behind his or her back, remember your resolution and stop yourself before you talk.
g. In the evenings, make an agenda for the following day. Stick to that agenda.
h. When you get overly emotional about something, calm down and calmly consider all of the issues again.

18. Caution, Prudence and Discretion
a. During a conversation, think twice before saying anything. Weigh the probable effect of your words on others.
b. Think about the motto “Better safe than sorry” at least three times a day. Try to incorporate its meaning into your life.
c. Before you decide to do something important, reflect on it for a moment and consider if you want to live with its consequences 1 hour, 1 day, or 1 year later.

19. Forgiveness and Mercy
a. Think of someone that you found it very hard to forgive. Try to see the situation from their perspective. Then consider, if you had been the one to do the offensive act, would you have expected to be forgiven?
b. Keep a journal, and every night, describe someone who made you mad, or against whom you have a grudge. After writing about the grudge, describe why you are resistant to forgiving them. Then look at the situation from that person’s point of view, and forgive the person.
c. Make contact with someone who has made you mad in the past. Let them know that you forgive them, or just be kind to them in your conversation.
d. When someone does something that you do not understand, try to fathom his or her intentions in the actions.

20. Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence
a. Go to a museum (e.g., the Bailey) and pick out a piece of artwork or a display that has aesthetic value and touches you because of its beauty.
b. Write down your thoughts about a piece of art, or something beautiful you see around grounds.
c. Take a walk with a friend and comment on something pretty that you see
d. Attend a concert and enjoy the sound for its musical value. Or pick out the most moving music you know of, and listen to it appreciatively on headphones every night. Or ask a friend to recommend the most beautiful music he or she knows.
e. Keep a journal, and every night, record something you saw during the day that struck you as extremely beautiful, or skillful.
f. Find something that makes you happy, in aesthetics or value, a physical activity or an object, and let it inspire you throughout the day.
g. Visit the Fine Arts Library and browse through the art books.

21. Gratitude
a. Keep a journal, and each night, make a list of three things that you are thankful for in life
b. Every day, thank someone for something that you might otherwise take for granted (e.g., thanking the janitor who cleans your hallways).
c. Keep a record of the number of times you use the words “thank you” in a day. Over the course of the first week, try to double the number of times that you say the words.
d. Call a parent/sibling/friend each day and thank him/her (e.g., for helping you to become who you are, or for always being there for you.)
e. Send someone a “thank you” e-greeting.
f. Leave a note on your roommate/apartment mate suitemate/hall mate that thanks them for something about them that you appreciate.

22. Hope, Optimism, and Future-Mindedness
a. Keep a journal, and every night, record a decision you made that day that will impact your life in the long run
b. When you are in a bad situation, turn it around to see the optimistic side of it. You can almost always find some good in a situation, regardless of how awful it seems at the time.
c. Make a list of bad decisions you have made. Forgive yourself and move on in life realizing that you cannot go backwards, only focus on the present and future.
d. Notice your negative thoughts. Counter them with positive thoughts.
e. Reaffirm yourself that you can and will succeed at whatever you put your mind to.

23. Spirituality and Sense of Purpose, and Faith
a. For five minutes a day, relax and think about the purpose of life, and where you fit in. b. For five minutes a day, think about the things you can do to improve the world or your community.
c. Read a religious or spiritual book, or go to a religious service every day
d. Explore different religions. You can do this by going to a library, looking on the Internet, or asking your friends about their religions.
e. Spend a few minutes a day in meditation or prayer.
f. Invest in a book of affirmations or optimistic quotes. Read a few every day.

24. Humor and Playfulness
a. Every day, make someone smile or laugh.
b. Learn a joke and tell it to your friends.
c. Watch a funny movie or TV show.
d. Read the comics
e. Learn a magic trick and perform it for your friends

* If you’re interested in starting a happiness-project group, where you meet with other people to work on your own happiness projects, email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Happiness-Project Group” in the subject line. I'm preparing a starter kit for anyone who is thinking about starting a group.

Relatonships: Why I'm Trying To Be Interested in Hannah Montana as well as Tolstoy.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I’m going through a Tolstoy obsession right now—one which I’ve resisted for a long time, but now, in true Tolstoyan fashion, am allowing myself to succumb to—and I was struck by a phrase in a description of Nabatov, a hero in Resurrection.

Nabatov is a peasant who got a high-school education because of his exceptional talents. He didn’t go to the university, however, because he wanted to “go among the people and enlighten his neglected brethren.” He took up various positions, and each time was arrested for trying to organize the peasants, and ultimately he was exiled. Tolstoy extols his virtues:

As a peasant he was industrious, observant, and clever at his work; he was also naturally self-controlled, polite without any effort, and attentive not only to the wishes but also to the opinions of others. His widowed mother, an illiterate, superstitious old peasant woman, was still living, and Nabatov helped her, and used to visit her when he was free. During the time he spent at home he entered into all the interests of his mother’s life, helped her in her work, continued his intercourse with former playfellows, smoking in their company cheap tobacco in ‘dog’s-foot cigarettes,’ took part in their fisticuffs, and explained to them how they were all being deceived by the State and how they ought to disentangle themselves from the deception they were kept in.

The phrase that caught my attention in this description is that Nabatov “entered into all the interest of his mother’s life.” It occurs to me that when you think of people getting along harmoniously—whether in a family, or among friends, or in an office—people make an effort to enter into the interests of each other’s lives.

Presumably Nabatov wasn’t much interested in the things that interested his “illiterate, superstitious old peasant” mother. I’m not much interested in Hannah Montana, which interests my older daughter. My husband isn’t much interested in why I think all biographers of St. Therese of Lisieux have profoundly misunderstood her.

Not only do people find it difficult to enter into each other’s interests, people also have a strong impulse to be judgmental about other people’s interests. I think someone’s interest in wine is boring. Someone thinks my interest in children’s literature is childish.

When you’re trying to be happier, one issue that frequently arises is: “If I do this, am I being fake? Doesn’t happiness depend on being authentic? If I don’t naturally feel optimistic/positive/interested, why should I pretend?” (See, e.g., whether you should unenthusiastically play your part in a tradition.)

That’s a very good question. If you spend your time faking an interest in topics that bore you, you’re not going to be very happy. On the other hand, entering into other people’s interests is an important way to show respect and affection.

Ah, the elusive happy medium. What do you think? Is it laudable to enter into other people’s interests, or do you view that as inauthentic? Wait ... I think I hear the Hannah Montana theme song. Gotta go.

* I'm thrilled! I asked if any possible "super-fans" of the Happiness Project would be willing to volunteer to help me out in a few ways—and so many people have offered. Thank you all!

If any more kind souls would like to sign up, please just drop me an email at gretchenrubin1[at]gmail[dot com]. (I added brackets to thwart spammers, but just use the usual e-mail format.) No need to write anything more than “super-fan” in the subject line, and I’ll put your name on the list.

First item: Before long, I’m going to launch my supersecret, superfabulous, happiness-related Web site. I’ll send the "super-fans" the link ahead of time, in case they’d be interested in being beta testers (i.e., using the site in its early, pre-public stages).

If you’re not interested in that, there are other issues that will come up in the next few months—all purely voluntary, of course, so if you sign up as a super-fan but then don't have time or don’t want to do anything, that’s fine, too.

Why You Should Force Yourself To Wander

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

A few years ago, a brilliant friend of mine wrote a novel, The Measurement Problem. (You can read it online.) One of the themes of the novel is the fact that measuring a value (or not) changes the way we act on it. As we were talking about this issue, she said, “It’s like Einstein said: 'Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.' " 

That idea struck me with enormous force. That's true. But the fact is, if you want something to count in your life, it helps to figure out a way to count it. To put it another way, as one of my Secrets of Adulthood holds, “You manage what you measure.”

That’s one of the key reasons that my Resolutions Chart works so well. Setting myself a concrete task, and measuring each day whether I’m complying with it, makes me far more likely to stick to my resolution.

Difficult-to-measure resolutions like “Find more joy in life” or “Be present in the moment” are tougher to keep than “Once a week, make plans with friends” or “Don’t use my iPod when I’m walking to work.” It’s hard to tell whether you’re getting more joy out of life, but it’s easy to score yourself on keeping a weekly outing with friends.

In my own case, with my workaholic tendencies, I realized that if I didn’t measure certain values in my life, I’d neglect them. My friends like to make fun of my paradoxical resolutions like “Force myself to wander” or “Schedule time for play,” but if I don’t put these things on my calendar and score myself on my Resolutions Chart, I just won’t do them.

Now, some people make the point that measuring isn’t necessarily a good thing. Measuring something stifles it, they argue, or it encourages you to focus on measurable aspects at the expense of more elusive ones, or the fact that you’re measuring an experience shows you’re not experiencing it deeply. After all, when you’re fully immersed in an experience, you don’t stop to measure it.

That’s true. So I suppose I’m talking about how to get to that point. How do you lose yourself in contemplation of the clouds if you’re distracted by This American Life on your iPod? How do you throw yourself into dancing at a club if you never step away from your computer? In my case, measurement allows me to make sure that such values don’t get pushed to the side—otherwise I’m too preoccupied with answering e-mails or taking notes, because these are tangible items that can crossed off my to-do list.

Even reading. Reading is my very favorite thing to do—in fact, if I’m honest with myself, it’s practically the only activity I really enjoy—and when I’m reading, I lose all track of time or sense of measurement. Nevertheless, one of my resolutions is “Find more time to read.” I measure my reading time to make sure that reading doesn’t get crowded out.

So figure out something you’d like to change in your life—more of something good or less of something bad. Then figure out a very concrete way to measure it and to hold yourself accountable for living up to it. By counting the things that count—and pushing yourself to find a way to count the things that can’t be counted—you make sure they’re part of your life.

* Via the very cool Very Short List, a friend sent me the link to Save the Words. It's wonderful—you roll your mouse over words, each one now sadly underused, and it begs for you to adopt it in your everyday speech. Hard to describe, weirdly addictive.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Happiness Myth No. 5: A "Treat" Will Cheer You Up

On Fridays, I usually propose a resolution for you to consider for your own happiness project, but I'm breaking the pattern to post for two weeks about "happiness myths." Yesterday I wrote about Myth No. 4: You’ll Be Happier If You Insist on “The Best.”

Happiness Myth No. 5: A "treat" will cheer you up. Often, not!

It depends on what you choose. Treating yourself to a long walk in the park, say, is a good idea—but the things we choose as “treats” frequently aren’t good for us. When you’re feeling blue or overwhelmed, it’s tempting to try to pick yourself up by indulging in a guilty pleasure, but unfortunately, the pleasure lasts a minute, and then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the blues.

So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few glasses of wine … some ice cream … just one cigarette … a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself—will it really make you feel better? Or is it likely to make you feel worse, in the long run?

For example, I realized that one of my personal “treats” is the decision not to pick up after myself. Instead of trying to tidy as I go, as I usually do, I let small tasks mount up. “I can’t possibly be expected to hang up my coat, or put the newspapers in the recycling bin, or unload the dishwasher,” I tell myself. “I’m too busy/too frazzled/too upset/too rushed. I deserve a break.”

The problem is that, in the end, the mess makes me feel worse. Maybe I enjoy a tiny buzz from flinging my coat onto the floor, but the disorder just makes my bad mood deepen. (Plus it’s not nice for anyone else, either.) On the other hand, serene, orderly surroundings make me feel better. Outer order contributes to inner calm.

Now, instead of “treating” myself to a mess, I make a special effort to keep things tidy when I’m feeling low. Same with my other guilty pleasures, like skipping going to the gym, eating fake food, not picking up phone messages … although skipping a little duty feels like a “treat” for a minute, actually, I cheer myself up more by doing the things I know I ought to do.

The warning signs: Whenever I tell myself things like, “I deserve this,” “I need this,” or “Today I shouldn’t have to stick to my usual resolutions,” that’s a signal that I’m trying to justify a pernicious “treat.”

How about you? Do you ever “treat” yourself to things that, in the end, just make you feel worse? Or have you found good treats that actually make you feel better?

* I love watching interviews of interesting people, and I was thrilled to discover Obsessed, a new, sophisticated site that features interviews with fascinating guests (e.g., Lisa Stone, Mark Bittman, Peter Greenberg) in conversation with host Samantha Ettus.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

A Happiness Mini-Lesson Courtesy of Robert Browning

“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp,
Or what’s a heaven for?”
—Robert Browning

* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.

Bad Habits: Swear Them Off Altogether? Or Indulge Occasionally?

Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
Quiz: Are You a Moderator or an Abstainer?

Often, we know we’d have more long-term happiness if we gave up something that gives us a rush of satisfaction in the short-term: that morning doughnut, that impulse purchase, staying up too late watching TV.

A piece of advice I often see is “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat—it will help you stick to your plan.”

I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the moderators. They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.

For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation—and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an abstainer.

I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating Tasti D-Lite, my favorite frozen “fake food” treat, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?," "Does this time ‘count'?,” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.

There’s no right or wrong way—it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.

People can be surprisingly judgmental about the approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” So different approaches work for different people. (Exception: With an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)

You’re a moderator if you

• find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure—and strengthens your resolve;
• get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.

You’re an abstainer if you

• have trouble stopping something once you’ve started;
• aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits.

On the other hand, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.

Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. Moderators—what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day or four times a week, for you?

* Mike Vardy of the blog Effing the Dog was nice enough to do an interview with me. I don't think I kept up my end of the comedy, but it was fun to do.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Exercise Tips From a Recovering Couch Potato

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine Tips To Keep Yourself Exercising

One of the most commonly made, and most frequently broken, New Year’s resolutions is the resolution to exercise more.

People who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, have delayed onset of dementia ... The list goes on.

There’s also a lot of research into the connection between exercise and happiness—some studies suggest that it provides a real boost, some studies suggest that while correlated, exercise isn’t a factor in making people happier. I’m interested to see what further studies reveal, but I’ve made up my own mind: In my experience, and the experience of everyone I know who exercises, exercise makes me calmer, more cheerful, and more alert.

But even once you’re convinced of the benefits, if you’re not inclined to exercise, it can be hard to adopt the habit. My favorite activity is reading in bed, and I don’t enjoy games of any sort, but over the years I’ve managed to transform myself into a regular exerciser by deploying these strategies:

1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week.

2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. The longer the day goes on, the more likely you are to get derailed.

3. Never skip exercising for three days in a row. You can skip a day, and you can skip two days, but on the third day, you must exercise no matter how inconvenient. (This rule is more effective than it sounds; it kept me exercising regularly during college.)

4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. When my father started running, he said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. I never push myself hard, because I know that if I did, I might stop exercising altogether. And don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. The 15-minute walk you do take is better than the three-mile run you don't take.

5. If you don’t have time both to exercise and take a shower, find an activity that doesn’t require a shower afterward, like yoga or walking. I do an extremely tough weight-training regimen that doesn’t make me sweat. (And yes, it is effective, even with no sweat!)

6. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer? (They’re only $20.) A lot of people are feeling a real money crunch right now, but exercise is a high life priority, so if you can afford it, this is a place to spend some money if that helps.

7. Remind yourself of the benefits from exercising. Personally, I’m more motivated by short-term gratifications like “I’ll feel more focused” or “I’ll sleep better” than long-term considerations like “I’ll live longer” or “If I have surgery, I’ll recover quicker.” A trainer told me that, in her experience, men are more motivated by the idea of improving their performance (a better tennis game) or restoring an ability (climbing stairs without getting out of breath); women are more motivated by the promise of improving their appearance.

8. Think about context. If you find it much harder to go running in winter than summer, maybe the real trouble is that you don’t like the cold. Do you hate the loud music in your gym? Is your workout so exhausting that you can’t face the rest of your day?

9. When choosing an activity, a gym, or an exercise class, make convenience a top priority. You’re much more likely to go to a mediocre gym near your office or home than to a great gym that’s out of your way.

Apart from the happiness gain you'll get from the exercise, merely the fact that you've kept your resolution to yourself will boost your happiness.

* A blog I've enjoyed for a long time is Marginal Revolution. It's about economics—always interesting and often raises issues that touch directly on the subject of happiness.

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Welcome to My Blog About How To Be Happier

My name is Gretchen Rubin, and I’m working on a book, The Happiness Project, an account of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and tips from popular culture about how to be happy—from Aristotle to Martin Seligman to Oprah.

I started this project because one April morning, looking out the rain-spattered window of a bus, I asked myself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” and I thought, “Well, I want to be happy.”

I realized with a jolt that I never thought about happiness, or whether I was happy, or what I could do to be happier. “I should have a happiness project!” I thought. So I started one.

A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: keeping your resolutions.

This blog, which I’ve been writing since 2006, recounts my adventures as I pursue my happiness project—what I try, what I learn. Your project would look different from mine, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit.

“But,” you might think, “if everyone’s happiness project is different, why should I bother to read about yours?” Here’s why: During my study of happiness, I’ve been surprised by how often I learn more from one person’s idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’ve learned more from Ben Franklin’s happiness project (yes, he had one) than from any other kind of argument.

Some people think that wanting to be happier is a selfish, self-absorbed goal—but I disagree. Robert Louis Stevenson got it right: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy,” he wrote. Research shows that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likeable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in the problems of others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens. And maybe betters bloggers, too.

** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.