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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few months ago, in a post about the resolution to Join or start a group, I threw out a suggestion: You might consider launching a group for people who were interested in pursuing their own happiness projects.
As I explained, I think this would be great. People could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, give each other accountability for doing happiness projects—and not only that—just the fact of joining a group, whatever the focus might be, would build happiness.
I promised that if people were interested, I’d create a starter kit to help get the ball rolling. To my shock and delight, more than a thousand people have written to request the starter kit. Zoikes! Sign up here to get your own kit.
It’s very exciting to see the first few local Happiness Project Groups begin to take shape. Who’s next?
—Michael has started a group in Los Angeles.
—Wendi has started a group in Gainesville, Fla.
—Elizabeth has started a group in Waterville, Maine.
Elizabeth reports: “I introduced the happiness toolbox, photocopied the weekly topics pages and have started to do the projects as an adjunct to our group support. At this point almost everyone in the Women's Group has signed up for the Happiness Project Group.”
—I’ve heard about groups forming in D.C., Chicago, and the SF Bay area. More on those soon.
If you have friends in those cities, please let them know that these groups that are forming.
Also, if you’ve started a happiness-project group yourself, please set up a Facebook Group for it and add yourself to the Group Directory. (This sounds like a pain, but it’s not as arduous as it sounds—but if you can’t deal with these logistics, don’t worry about it.)
Now, I realize that many (or perhaps even most) of the people starting happiness-project groups are forming them with friends. In that case, you don’t need help spreading the word. Please do go ahead and make a Facebook Group for yourself and add yourself to the Group Directory, anyway.
In the future, I’m hoping to be able to offer certain things to the Groups and the Group Leaders, so I need to be able to find you! Also, a directory will allow the groups to communicate among themselves.
One observation for those who are considering forming a group: It takes special energy to start something. The number of people who are willing to get something rolling is much smaller than the number of people who will join up. As Samuel Johnson noted, “The production of something, where nothing was before, is an act of greater energy than the expansion or decoration of the thing produced.” But every time I’ve made the effort to start something (for example, my two children's-literature reading groups), I've ended up being very happy that I did.
Keep me posted about these groups! I can’t tell you how interested I am to hear about what everyone is doing.
* On Gimundo, I ran across a video that shows 500 years of female faces in Western art in less than three minutes. Mesmerizing.
* Again, if you're interested in forming a group for people who are working on their own happiness projects—to share ideas, provide accountability, and have fun—you can sign up for a starter kit here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for making good conversation with a stranger.
I posted before about tips for knowing if you're boring someone and tips to avoid being a bore. But while it might be fairly easy to avoid topics that are likely to bore someone, it's much harder to figure out what to say if you want to be interesting. Making polite conversation can be tough.
“So where do you live?”
“Chelsea.”
“Really. I live on the upper east side.”
“Great …”
Painful silence.
Here are some strategies to try when your mind is a blank:
1. Comment on a topic common to both of you at the moment: the food, the room, the occasion, the weather. “How do you know our host?” “What brings you to this event?” But keep it on the positive side! Unless you can be hilariously funny, the first time you come in contact with a person isn’t a good time to complain.
2. Comment on a topic of general interest. A friend scans Google News right before he goes anywhere where he needs to make small talk, so he can say, “Did you hear that Justice Souter is stepping down from the bench?” or whatever might be happening.
3. Ask open questions that can’t be answered with a single word. “What’s keeping you busy these days?” This is a good question if you’re talking to a person who doesn’t have an office job. It’s also helpful because it allows people to choose their focus (work, volunteer, family, hobby) — preferable to the inevitable question (well, inevitable at least in New York City): “What do you do?”
A variant: “What are you working on these days?” This is a useful dodge if you ought to know what the person does for a living, but can’t remember.
4. If you do ask a question that can be answered in a single word, instead of just supplying your own information in response, ask a follow-up question. For example, if you ask, “Where are you from?” an interesting follow-up question might be, “What would your life be like if you still lived there?” If you ask, “Do you have children?” you might ask, “How are you a different kind of parent from your own parents?” or “Have you decided to do anything very differently from the way you were raised?”
5. Ask getting-to-know-you questions. “What newspapers and magazines do you subscribe to? What internet sites do you visit regularly?” These questions often reveal a hidden passion, which can make for great conversation.
6. React to what a person says in the spirit in which that that comment was offered. If he makes a joke, even if it’s not very funny, try to laugh. If she offers some surprising information (“Did you know that one out of every seven books sold last year was written by Stephanie Meyer?”), react with surprise. Recently, I’ve had a few conversations where the person I was talking to just never reacted to what I said. I was trying to be all insightful and interesting, and these two people reacted as though everything I said was completely obvious and dull. It was unsatisfying.
Now, what to do if a conversation is just not working, and there’s no way to use the “Excuse me, I need to go get something to drink” line? Recently, at a dinner party, the guy sitting on my right side was clearly very bored by me. He explained to me at length about how happiness didn’t really exist, but after setting me straight on that question didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and after a few failed attempts at other topics, after an awkward pause in the conversation (my fault as much as his), he said, “Um, so where are you from?” It was such a listless, uninspired effort that I leaned over, put my hand on his arm, and said meanly, “Now, Paul, surely we can do better than that!” and changed the conversation. (It is moments like that that make me happy that I basically gave up drinking.)
So what can you do when the conversation is such a struggle?
7. A friend argues that you should admit it! “We’re really working hard, aren’t we?” or “It’s frustrating—I’m sure we have interests in common, but we’re having a difficult time finding them.” Clearly this is a desperate measure, but my friend insists that it works. I’ve never had the gumption to try it, I have to admit.
What are some other strategies for starting an interesting conversation with a stranger? What have I overlooked? On a related note, here are some tips if you can't remember someone's name.
* I’m a huge fan of Twitter, in part because it has helped me find so many great writers and great information, and one person –- and blog -- that I discovered on Twitter is Gwen Bell. She writes about branding, social media, and creativity, and always has fresh, interesting things to say.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 20,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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One of my happiness-project resolutions is to join or start a group. I can’t begin to measure how much happiness I’ve received from starting my two children’s-literature reading groups. (Yes, now I belong to two of these groups, because the first one got so big we stopped accepting new people.) If you’re trying to find more happiness in life, being part of a group helps you make new friends, deepen existing friendships, and have fun—all factors that will make you happier. Also, it can be a source of an atmosphere of growth in your life, also a key to happiness.
If you want to start a group, a common passion is a great organizing principle: French movies, learning Italian, training for a marathon. But what if you don’t have a specific passion that lends itself to a group activity? What’s another way to form a group?
A reader, Jeff, wrote me with a great idea. He’s starting a club, The Magnificent Secret Science Club, all about conversation—with the idea that people are increasingly connecting through technology but they still need and want a way to meet face-to-face.
Jeff has organized people to meet regularly in a bar for conversation. At each meeting, he’ll open with three questions for discussion, and then everyone can talk to each other.
This group meets in Minneapolis, so how do I know about it? Because he asked me for some discussion questions about happiness.
I tried to think of questions that would generate real debate and self-disclosure. (Self-disclosure is a great way to build trust and friendship.) I suggested:
1. What’s the relationship between money and happiness?
2. What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
3. Is it selfish to work on being happier?
4. Is there a quotation, a book, or a scene from a movie that you’ve found particularly compelling?
5. If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
6. Have you noticed people with habits that regularly detract from their happiness? Or boost their happiness?
In fact ... it strikes me that a great organizing principle for a group would be happiness! Everyone has strong views and experiences to share. If people got together to talk about their happiness projects, they could swap ideas, build enthusiasm, and hold themselves accountable—and have fun with friends at the same time. How great would it be to see happiness meet-ups popping up across the country? Boy, if people want to start happiness-project groups, I'd create some kind of kit to help them get the ball rolling. If you think you’d be interested in starting something like that, drop me a note at gretchenrubin [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry to write in that weird way—trying to thwart spammers.)
I know some of you are wincing at this idea—yes, I know you're scoffing! Oh well, it's not for everyone. Have you formed a group? What organizing principle did you use?
* I always enjoy checking out The Art of Non-Conformity. Great stuff there—and very original presentation.