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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
In my research on happiness, I keep running into the assertion that it takes 21 days to develop a new habit—but I’ve always had my doubts about the validity that number.
First, when it comes to developing a bad habit, two repetitions is probably enough. Order a doughnut with your coffee on Monday morning and Tuesday morning, and you’ll probably find it very hard to resist ordering a doughnut on Wednesday.
Second, at least for me, 21 days isn't nearly long enough to form a good habit. For my happiness project, I tried for many weeks to get in the habit of keeping a food journal, and I failed and gave up, and then tried again, and I never could get in the habit. Flossing is a challenge—though all the suggestions from these commenters has improved my flossing rate, I must say. Even writing in my one-sentence journal, which I enjoy doing, isn't really quite habitual yet.
Because I’ve always questioned that often-repeated statistic, I was very interested to read Oliver Burkeman’s article, "How Long Does It Really Take To Change a Habit?"
According to a recent study, a daily action like eating fruit at lunch or running for 15 minutes took an average of 66 days to become as much of a habit as it would ever become.
However, there was a lot of variation, both among people and among habits—some people are more habit-resistant than others, and some habits are harder to pick up than others.
I found this study reassuring. My difficulty in picking up certain habits wasn't unusual. Fact is, habits are hard to alter, and that’s why developing a good habit is really worth the struggle; once you’re used to making your bed each morning or going for an evening walk or flossing, you don’t have to exert much self-control to keep it up.
The study also showed that if you miss a day here or there when you’re trying to develop a habit, it doesn’t derail the process, so don’t get discouraged if you can’t keep a perfect track record. But the first days seem to make the biggest difference, so it’s worth trying to be particularly diligent at the beginning of the attempted-habit-acquisition process.
What do you think? What has been your experience in developing habits? How long has it taken, and what tricks have you found to help yourself acquire—or kick—a habit?
* I've always been fascinated by bees and ants (also slightly terrified of ants, having read The Once and Future King at an impressionable age) and was amazed by this video of fire ants forming a raft to float down a river.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for having a good bad day.
A few days ago, I was extremely upset. It’s too complicated to explain the whole situation, but an encounter left me feeling anxious, agitated, under attack, and sad. I did what I could to resolve the situation, but I still felt terrible.
When I have a day like this, I try to make it a Good Bad Day. I take the steps that tend to make me feel better or, if they don’t make me feel better, at least give me the kind of day on which I can look back with satisfaction.
To have a Good Bad Day, I made sure to:
1. Exercise. For me, exercise is a key element to managing my moods. It calms me and energizes me at the same time. Its rituals are comforting. It’s productive but not intellectually or socially demanding. Also, exercise is so obviously a key to good health that if I manage to exercise, I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile in my day, no matter what else happens.
2. Do something nice for someone else. The first part of the Second Splendid Truth is “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy” (also known as the “Do good, feel good” provision). I sent out some emails that I knew would be useful for other people. Doesn’t sound like much, but it took a lot out of me.
3. Stop ruminating. My inclination was to go over and over the details of the upsetting episode and to conduct imaginary arguments. Instead, I tried to keep my resolution to Find an area of refuge. Studies show that dwelling on negative thoughts amplifies their power in your mind. In fact, some researchers suggest that a reason that more women get depression than men is that women are more likely to “overthink,” while men are better at distracting themselves from negative thoughts.
4. Connect with someone important to me. I called my sister.
5. Tackle a nagging task. Crossing things off a to-do list is energizing and cheering. I took the time to clear my desk – not just physically removing piles of papers, but also doing the tasks that the papers represented. Copying research notes from various sources, making a dentist’s appointment, and making progress on my blog re-design gave me a feeling of control and accomplishment.
6. Do something silly and lighthearted with my children. I videotaped my four-year-old as she danced and sang in her mermaid costume with her new mermaid doll, and we had a family bubble-blowing extravaganza. And throughout all these steps, I tried to…
7. Act the way I want to feel. Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. I get worked up very easily, but I tried to act cheerful instead of allowing myself to get agitated, wring my hands, etc. My mother often reminds me, “Stay calm,” and I need that advice frequently.
8. Ask for help. I said to my husband, "I really need to talk to you. I'm really upset, I want to tell you what happened today and talk to you about it, okay?" Being a sympathetic listener isn't my husband's strongest point, and truth be told, he wasn't very comforting -- but I think that by explaining that I needed him to try to do his best to help, I did help him do the best he could.
But nothing really worked. I still felt lousy. So I made sure to…
8. Go to sleep early. It’s true, everything does look better in the morning. Also, the longer I work on my happiness project, the more importance I give to sleep. Getting enough sleep just makes a tremendous difference to happiness.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt better. The situation still upsets me, but not as much as it did. When I have a bad day, it helps to have a good bad day.
Have you found any strategies for making a bad day better? What works for you?
* This post from Pamela Slim on Escape From Cubicle Nation really got me thinking: "Scrappy content can juice up your brand". Once again, I'm reminded of the wisdom of Voltaire's admonishment, "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good." Plus I loved spotting the brilliant Communicatrix there, too.
* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. It's fun, it's addictive, it's free, and it will boost your happiness.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Sixteen tips for being happier at work.
Being happy at work is, of course, quite related to how much you like your job, but there are small steps you can take to boost your mood. Maintaining the comfort of your body, sprinkling a few small pleasures throughout your day, using your time wisely—a little thought can mean a lot more happiness at work.
As Samuel Johnson observed, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”
Your work space:
1. Check for eyestrain: Put your hand to your forehead in a salute. If your eyes feel relieved, your space is too bright. When I got my three monitors (an investment that makes me ecstatically happy, by the way), I had to turn down their brightness levels because the glare was terrible.
2. Get a good desk chair and take the time to adjust it properly.
3. Sit up straight—everytime I do, I instantly feel more energetic and cheerier.
4. Indulge in a modest splurge, i.e., consider whether there are ways to spend money that would make a big difference. Could you invest in some desk accessories to help you stay organized? Could you replace an inconvenient lamp with something that works better?
5. Get a phone headset. I resisted for a long time, but it’s really much more comfortable. The phone headset is like the rolling suitcase: Yes, you look a little silly, but it makes life a lot easier.
6. Don’t keep treats around. A handful of M&M's each day might mean a weight gain of five pounds by year’s end. My husband used to work at an office that kept a kitchen fully stocked with treats. When he switched jobs, he dropped about 10 pounds, which actually had me a little worried until we figured out the reason.
7. Periodically, take time to deep-clean the loose papers that have piled up. I never do this until I specifically schedule a time, but I am always amazed at the wonderful calm it brings.
Your day:
8. Never say yes on the phone; instead, say, “I’ll get back to you.” When you’re actually speaking to someone, the desire to be accommodating is very strong and can lead you to say yes without enough consideration.
9. Take care of difficult calls or e-mails as quickly as possible. Procrastinating just makes it harder; getting them done gives a big boost of relieved energy.
10. When accepting a responsibility, imagine that it’s something that you’ll have to do next week. That way you don’t agree to a task just because it seems so far off that it doesn’t seem onerous.
11. Be honest about how you’re spending your time. You feel overwhelmed, but are you really working hard? How much time do you spend surfing the Internet, chatting on the phone, looking for things you’ve misplaced, or doing tasks that are really someone else’s job?
12. Go outside at least once a day, and, if possible, take a walk. The sunlight and activity are good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.
13. Even if you can’t go outside, take a 10-minute break each hour. Studies show that the break boosts your retention level.
14. Don’t let yourself get too hungry.
15. Try to make a lunch date with someone outside the office at least once a week.
16. Let yourself stay ignorant of things you don’t need to know.
* I’ve never heard of Manhattanhenge, and yesterday I missed this once-a-year sunset spectacle. How will I remember to figure out on what date it will fall next year?
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 21,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format – trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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“Loving-kindness is the better part of goodness. It lends grace to the sterner qualities of which this consists and makes it a little less difficult to practice those minor virtues of self-control and self-restraint, patience, discipline, and tolerance, which are the passive and not very exhilarating elements of goodness. Goodness is the only value that seems in this world of appearances to have any claim to be an end in itself. Virtue is its own reward. I am ashamed to have reached so commonplace a conclusion. ... I have gone a long way round to discover what everyone knew already.”—W. Somerset Maugham
* If you haven't seen my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short, you might enjoy seeing that.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little stale. My routine, which I usually love so much, is starting to feel like a run on a hamster’s wheel.
Perfect timing—I can keep my resolution to “Make a break in my routine” and also to Stay connected to my past by going to Kansas City this weekend for my high-school reunion.
Kansas City is beautiful in the springtime. I can’t wait to see my old high-school pals; one of my best friends is taking the same flight from New York City to K.C., so we'll have three hours to talk. And—huge bonus—my sister was five years behind me in school, so she’ll be home from Los Angeles to go to her reunion at the same time (my parents are out of town, unfortunately).
I know that having a short break from my usual habits will re-invigorate my appreciation for my everyday life.
I’m off!
* I was so pleased to hear that one of my favorite sites, Gimundo, is up and running again. It went dark for a while, but now it's active again and better than ever, providing "good news ... served daily."
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few days ago, I posted about how watching the movie Twilight made me more determined to keep my resolutions to be tender and romantic. After I looked at my list, however, I realized that I’d never made a specific resolution to “kiss more, hug more, touch more.” So I’ve added that to my ever-growing list of resolutions.
It’s easy to see that kissing, hugging, and touching would boost the tenderness in your romantic relationship. However, physical expressions of affection can strengthen all sorts of connections.
In her fascinating book The How of Happiness
, Sonja Lyubomirsky discusses a study in which students were assigned to two groups. One group was the control; one group was assigned to give or receive at least five hugs each day for a month—a front-to-front, nonsexual hug, with both arms of both participants involved and with the aim of hugging as many different people as possible. The huggers were happier.
Another study showed that women who got hugs several times a day from their husbands had lower blood pressure than those who didn’t get hugged as often.
Interesting fact: To be most effective at optimizing the flow of the chemicals oxytocin and serotonin—which boost mood and promote bonding—hold a hug for at least six seconds.
Along with hugging, playful and affectionate touching makes you feel closer to the people important to you. And touch is important even with strangers—studies show that subliminal touching (touching so subtle that it’s not consciously perceived) dramatically increases a person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward you, the toucher. For example, research shows that when restaurant servers touch their customers, they increase their tips by more than 3 percent.
I haven’t come across any research that examines the effects of kissing, but I think it’s safe to venture that lots of kisses will make you happier.
Expressing affection (in whatever way you express it) makes a big difference in relationships. For instance, people are 47 percent more likely to feel close to family members who frequently express affection than to those who rarely do so.
But there’s another reason to express affection. One of my most important Personal Commandments is to act the way I want to feel. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often, we feel because of the way we act. By acting in a loving way, you prompt loving feelings in yourself. It’s much harder to be angry or annoyed with someone when you’re kissing or hugging or touching.
Be careful, however, to keep those physical expressions of affection appropriate. During a radio interview after I posted about Happiness Myth No. 7: Doing "random acts of kindness" brings happiness, the host mentioned that he’d been walking down the street when a guy announced, “Free hugs!” and gave him a big bear hug—a random act of kindness that did not result in happiness in that case. And the nonsexual nature of your full-frontal, two-armed hug might be misinterpreted, if you’re not careful.
Do you find that touching, hugging, and kissing boosts your happiness? Have you found any strategies to make sure you don’t forget this aspect of relationships?
* Speaking of being more loving, over on the Facebook page, a lot of people have posted about their strategies for keeping romance strong in a long relationship. Good ideas.
* Superfans, I'm waiting to get the e-mail telling me that I can send you the link to the superfabulous, soon-to-be-unveiled Web site, for prelaunch. I know I keep saying that, but I really am hoping that it will be today. Or maybe Monday. Want to be a superfan? Sign up here.
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My mother-in-law has never before e-mailed me a link to YouTube—that's not at all her style—but when I watched this clip, I understood why she sent this one. She loves musicals, and this scene from the Central Station in Antwerp is a musical erupting in everyday life.
I’ll say no more; don’t want to be a spoiler—but this video made me very happy.
Or if you can't see the clip above, click here.
* My brilliant friend Marci Alboher writes about Working the New Economy, and she talked to me for a post she did about networking, Networking tips for the shy or introverted. Figuring out ways to do a better job of networking was a big part of my happiness project, and Marci was one of the people who taught me the most.
* Considering doing your own happiness project? Join the discussions on the Facebook Page to swap ideas, strategies, and experiences.
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One thing that has made me happy over the past year has been the chance to write a blog for RealSimple.com’s Simply Stated. It has been a lot of fun, given me a way to connect with a different set of readers, and introduced me to a lot of great people.
One person I met is Kristin van Ogtrop, the editor of Real Simple. Along with her demanding magazine work, she has a hilarious blog herself called Adventures in Chaos. Her most recent post, about “whether it’s ever possible to be cool in the eyes of your children,” actually had me laughing out loud while it also got me thinking about a lot of deep issues about parenthood.
Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
Kristin: That it will always go away—but then it always come back again. I also think that, for the most part, happiness is much more about nature than nurture. That is a completely reductive way to look at things and obviously does not take into account any extreme life circumstances, but I do think it’s true. There are happy people and unhappy people and not a lot you can do (or they can do) to change that. You may disagree!
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Obsessing over stupid, control-freak things like whether my husband and children take their muddy shoes off at the door.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (Mine is reading children’s books.)
I have a few comfort activities: go for a jog; drink a cup of Starbucks coffee; have a glass of wine; get into bed and read a book; brush my teeth and get into bed with one of my children at the end of an exhausting day.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I actually think one big happiness killer for people is spending too much time thinking about how others view them: Did what I just say sound stupid? Do I look fat in these pants? Does my next-door neighbor think I’m a bad mother? That’s one.
I also think people spend too much time thinking about missed opportunities, which in my opinion is not particularly constructive and leads you down a regret spiral. Most of the time I’m just focused on the future, where the possibilities are endless, and that’s how I stay happy. The carrot-on-the-stick way of going through life really works for me.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
I can think of two periods of my life when I was most unhappy: First, when I was a teenager and in love with a boy named Fred who went to another school and didn’t particularly love me. I would spend hours in my bedroom listening to Janis Ian records and wondering if life would ever get better. The remedy: I went off to college and forgot about Fred. The second time was when I was working in my first magazine job; it was after I’d been to graduate school, and I was older than all of the other assistants, plus married, and had a useless graduate degree. I just looked around me and wondered when, if ever, I was going to be able to stop answering someone else’s phone. Not to mention the fact that all of my friends who had graduated from law school and business school were buying houses and getting pregnant. That period ended when I got promoted and thought, A-ha, my life will not always be this way. So I think both of those periods of unhappiness were about waiting for my life to “start” in a certain way.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Not really. Although I do know that if it’s after 9 p.m., I am most likely unhappy (not my finest hour; I am definitely not a night person), and if I just get in bed everything will be instantly better.
* If you've never taken a look at PostSecret, check it out. Mesmerizing. Some of the entries are explicit, however, so be warned.
* The starter kit is ready! If you asked for a starter kit, because you're interested in starting a group for people doing happiness projects, you should have received it from me. (In fact, 17 people may have gotten it twice—sorry about that, long story.) If you didn't sign up, but would like to, click here or e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—to thwart spammers.) Just write "starter kit" in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day (or Quiz Day).
This Wednesday: Quiz—Are you an Over-Buyer or an Under-Buyer?
I've posted this quiz before, but I can't resist putting it up again. This distinction encapsulates one of my very favorite (if not most weighty) personal insights into human nature: the difference between overbuyers and underbuyers. I also love the satisficer/maximizer distinction, but I didn't come up with that one myself.
It’s not particularly productive to be in too deep as an over- or under-buyer; both offer certain advantages but also some definite drawbacks.
Does one of these descriptions fit you?
You’re an overbuyer if …
—You buy several summer outfits for your as-yet-unborn baby, then it turns out he outgrows those clothes before the weather warms up.
—You often lay in huge supplies of slow-moving items like shampoo or cough medicine.
—You often make a purchase, such as a tool or tech gadget, with the thought, “This will probably come in handy.”
—You have a long list of stores to visit before you travel.
—You find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of soup—because they’ve hit their expiration date.
—You buy items with the thought, “This will make a great gift!” without having a recipient in mind.
—You think, “Buying these things shows that I’m responsible, organized, and thoughtful.”
You’re an underbuyer if…
—You buy saline solution, which you use every morning and night, one bottle at a time.
—You often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or bathing suit after the point at which you need it—and often, these items are sold out by the time you show up at a store.
—You’re suspicious of specialized objects and resist buying things dedicated very specific uses: suit bags, special plastic plates and cutlery for children, hand cream, rain boots, hair conditioner.
—You often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such using soap because you’ve run out of shaving cream, because you don’t have what you need.
—You often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”
—If you must buy something, you buy as little as possible—say, by putting $10 of gas in the car.
—You think, “Not buying these things shows that I’m frugal and not a consumerist sucker.”
Me? I’m an underbuyer.
Underbuyers feel stressed because we don’t have the things we need. We make a lot of late-night runs to the drugstore. (I constantly run out of saline solution.) We’re surrounded with things that are shabby, don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.
Overbuyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do, and by the waste and clutter often created by their overbuying.
So underbuyers, buy what you need, without procrastination! Don’t wait for the first morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves!
Overbuyers, think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t need a 10-year supply of toothpaste!
What do you think? Do you recognize yourself in either of these categories?
* A friend, Melanie Rehak, has started a terrific new blog, Eating for Beginners—"on food, farming, and raising a family." My favorite feature is the "Friday Food Writers," when Melanie quotes a wonderful food-related passage from literature. Delicious! Her book by the same name will be published next year, and I can't wait to get my hands on it—and I'm not even a foodie.
* Consider starting a group—organized around happiness projects! (Or a book group focused on happiness books.) I'm busily creating the starter kit to send out to anyone who is interested. If you want a starter kit, e-mail me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [dot com], and I'll add your name. (Use the usual email format—that weirdness is to thwart spammers). Just write "happiness-project group" in the subject line. Or sign up here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for getting a little kid to take no for an answer.
My 3-year-old hates being told “No” and “Don’t,” and she’s also one of those kids who immediately does exactly what you ask her not to do, so I’ve had to develop some strategies to get the “no” message across without unleashing the very behavior I want to stop. These kinds of minor but extremely aggravating struggles can be a major happiness challenge.
I realized that although she doesn’t want to hear “no,” my daughter responds very well to certain kinds of explanations. While “It’s not healthy,” “We don’t have time,” and “I don’t want to buy that” don’t work very well, other justifications are more effective. Once I've said no, I try to turn her attention to something more interesting. Here are some of the most helpful strategies:
1. “It’s for safety.” For some reason, my daughter wisely accepts safety as an absolute directive, so I invoke it whenever possible. For example, I characterized the “no slamming doors” rule as a safety rule, not a noise/behavior rule. “When people slam doors, eventually, people get their fingers smashed. So for safety, no slamming doors.”
2. “That’s just for decoration.” We can walk into a store crammed with treats or gimcracks, and when she asks if she can get something, I just say sadly, “They’re just for decoration; they’re not for sale.” She never questions this!
3. “The doctor says …” Invoking the authority of a doctor, dentist, teacher, or grandparent often makes a message acceptable. “The Yellow Room teachers say children must wear mittens to schools, not gloves.” “I know you don’t feel like brushing your teeth, but Dr. Smith says it’s very important to brush every night.” I’m not above pretending to send an e-mail to get a particular answer.
4. “I know you know.” My daughter hates being told “Don’t,” and she loves to show that she’s a big girl. So I often say things like, “I know you know this, but other children don’t know that you shouldn’t tap on the glass of a fish tank. They don’t know that the noise bothers the fish. Fortunately for the fish, you already know that.”
5. “The sign says …” Like most children who can’t yet read, my daughter is extremely impressed by the power of the written word. She will obey any sign. And because she can’t read, a sign can say anything that I want it to say.
Looking at the list, I’m struck by how devious and manipulative I sound. Oh well. I’m using my powers for good.
Have you found any good strategies for getting a little kid to take no for an answer?
*I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.
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"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it."—William James
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Sometimes, by coincidence, several people mention the same happiness-boosting idea around the same time, so it hits me with particular force.
A wonderful doctor is a tremendous source of comfort and reassurance; over the last few weeks, four friends have mentioned to me how much happier they were after they switched doctors. In every case, they were seeing a doctor who didn’t appreciate the amount of pain they were in and who dismissed their efforts to try to explain the problem or find some solution.
One OB/GYN said something like “Women have babies every day. You just had a baby. So you’re in pain—get over yourself.” Turns out my friend had a broken pelvis! Another friend kept explaining to a doctor that his advice wasn’t yielding any results in her case. He implied that she wasn’t being diligent about following instructions. When she switched, the new doctor put her on a medication that cleared up the problem immediately. Etc.
Given the importance of trusting and respecting your doctor, why is it so hard to make a change? I myself find it practically impossible to prod myself to switch, once I have had even one appointment with a doctor.
First, we need to believe that the doctor is smart and correct. Switching away from a doctor signals that we no longer trust his or her judgment, and that’s scary, especially if there’s some particular cause for concern.
Second, what with the records and charts and everything, it’s confusing to know HOW to switch.
Third, inertia is so powerful. Switching means finding a better doctor, which means doing research, questioning your judgment, tracking down information, figuring out who takes your insurance, where the office is located, and so on.
However, when my 9-year-old was a baby, I switched to a different pediatrician in a flash. My maternal instinct swamped my usual reluctance to make a change, and once I decided that I didn’t like the doctor, I had no trouble telling his office that we were going elsewhere. Maybe a way to coax yourself into switching doctors is to think of yourself in the third person, or to imagine how you’d act if a member of your family were receiving the treatment you’ve been getting.
(As a side note, I use this trick frequently: If I’m not sure about my reaction to some event, I imagine someone describing the situation to me as if it happened to a stranger. That often clarifies my view. Along the same lines, I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”)
Remember, too, that you’re helping other patients when you switch away from a bad doctor, because your switch demonstrates to a doctor that his or her treatment was unacceptable. I heard a lecture by a child-education specialist who said, “The only way that teachers know they’re assigning too much homework is when the most diligent kids can’t complete it. If you let your child stay up until 2 a.m. to finish, you’re not helping.” Same thing with a doctor.
Of course, tougher than making a switch from a bad doctor is having no choice about what doctor you see or having no doctor at all. It’s good to remember that.
* Have I mentioned lately how much I love Unclutterer?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips to avoid overspending.
One source of unhappiness for people is feeling out of control of their spending—and this is a problem that’s far more widespread now than it was a year ago. Feeling regret about having bought something is a very unpleasant sort of unhappiness. Being an underbuyer, as opposed to an overbuyer, I don’t generally have much trouble avoiding overspending. I have more trouble prodding myself to buy things I actually need.
Nevertheless, even with my underbuying ways, I sometimes come home with something I didn’t really need. Stores use extremely clever strategies to hoodwink customers into making purchases. Here are some strategies to make sure you don’t make purchases you regret:
1. Be wary of the checkout areas. There are lots of enticing little items here; ask yourself if you really need something before you add it to your pile. How many times have I picked up a jar of Balmex?
2. Get in and get out. The more time you spend in a store, the more you’re likely to buy. Even better: Don’t even go in the store. Then you definitely won’t buy.
3. Question the need for an upgrade. You might want that device with a slick new function or an improved version of what you have now, but do you really need it?
4. Be polite to salespeople but don’t feel like they’re your new best friends. Don’t buy something because you worry about hurting their feelings or feel guilty that you made them do a lot of work helping you or explaining products to you. (At the same time, be respectful of clerks’ efforts. The other day, I was in Gap Kids, and I saw someone rifle through a pile of beautifully stacked shirts in a way that would require them to be refolded. Was he malicious or just oblivious? I couldn’t tell.)
5. Don’t shop when you’re in a hurry or when you’re hungry.
6. Stick to a list. I’ve found that after I’ve decided to buy one thing, I’m far more likely to throw in other impulse items because I know that I’ve committed to going through the hassle of paying.
7. Beware of sale items, which make you feel like you can’t afford not to buy, or limited-time offers, which make you feel like you have to take advantage of a special deal. If you don’t need or want something, it’s not a good deal, not matter how cheap it is. A friend of mine told her husband, “I got this 50 percent off!,” and he answered, “That means it was 50 percent ON.” Along the same lines …
8. Don’t buy anything that you don’t know you need. This is especially important with clothes. If you’re not careful, you can buy a pair of pants marked down 75 percent, then realize that you can’t really wear them unless you buy the right shoes to go with them.
9. Pay with cash or credit card, whichever is least comfortable. Some people find it far harder to spend physical cash; other people find that paying with cash makes a purchase seem trivial, even when the dollar amount is high. Know whether you’re more inclined to overspend with cash or credit cards—and leave that payment method at home.
Have you found any great strategies to prevent overspending?
* I discovered a terrific new site for working mothers, The Mama Bee. Great material, helpful information, and beautifully written.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Today, Feb. 2, is Groundhog Day. My associations with this quasi-holiday are less about a groundhog’s prediction about the beginning of spring and more about the movie Groundhog Day
.
In the movie, Phil Connors (played by Bill Murray) is a cranky, cynical weatherman who, while on assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day Festival, finds himself reliving the same day, over and over again.
(Which reminds me of a scene from another movie: In Woody Allen’s Hannah and Her Sisters
, when Mickey reflects, “Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said the life we live, we'll live over and over, the same way for eternity. Great. I'll have to sit through the Ice-Capades again.”)
Noticing that Groundhog Day was approaching prompted me to reflect: “If I had to relive one day over and over, what would I want to do with it?” I’m such a lover of routine and familiarity that my perfect day wouldn’t be made up of anything very dramatic or exotic. Just reading in bed, for example, would take up several hours.
I asked some friends what they’d do during their perfect days, and the striking thing was how attainable these perfect days were. Several people distinguished between “a perfect day at home” and “a perfect day while traveling,” and one friend’s perfect “home” day was a Saturday morning trip to the green market, an afternoon trip to Whole Foods, a few hours spent cooking something challenging, and friends over for dinner. That isn’t an impossible dream! But when I asked how often she spent a day this way, she said, “I don’t know why not, exactly, but I can’t remember the last time I spent a day like that.”
So Groundhog Day makes a good yearly spur to ask: “What would my perfect day be?” It might be easier than you think to arrange.
* A family friend wrote a very moving tribute to his wife, a year after she died of cancer.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
Quiz: Are You a Moderator or an Abstainer?
Often, we know we’d have more long-term happiness if we gave up something that gives us a rush of satisfaction in the short-term: that morning doughnut, that impulse purchase, staying up too late watching TV.
A piece of advice I often see is “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat—it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the moderators. They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation—and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an abstainer.
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating Tasti D-Lite, my favorite frozen “fake food” treat, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?," "Does this time ‘count'?,” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right or wrong way—it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
People can be surprisingly judgmental about the approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” So different approaches work for different people. (Exception: With an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
You’re a moderator if you
- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure—and strengthens your resolve;
- get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.
You’re an abstainer if you
- have trouble stopping something once you’ve started;
- aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits.
On the other hand, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.
Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. Moderators—what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day or four times a week, for you?
* Mike Vardy of the blog Effing the Dog was nice enough to do an interview with me. I don't think I kept up my end of the comedy, but it was fun to do.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of the major principles of happiness—and this comes as a shock to no one—is that perception shapes reality. The way we view something determines our experience. I saw this during the inauguration. A person could say, “It’s fantastic to be here among so many people,” or a person could say, “It’s a pain to be stuck in these crowds and long lines.” Same reality, different perception.
I realized the importance of characterization when I eavesdropped on a few conversations between my 3-year-old and her grandmother.
My daughter: “Can I please have some ice cream?” (yes, she did say "please")
My mother-in-law: “OK, but you had a cookie earlier, so I’m just going to give you a little bowl.”
My daughter: “No, no, I want a big bowl! Not a little bit.”
Mother-in-law: “Tonight you’re going to go to bed nice and early.”
Daughter: “No, no, no! Not early. I want to stay up late!”
Had my mother-in-law said, “I’m giving you a big scoop” or “We’re letting you stay up late,” my daughter would have accepted that characterization instead of protesting. Same bowl of ice cream, same bedtime, different perception.
And this isn’t just true of children. The other day, I was talking to an acquaintance, and the subject of happiness came up. She said, “Gretchen, you dabble in the subject of happiness, don’t you?”
Well, yes, in fact, I do dabble in the subject of happiness. I’ve been dabbling away for 10 hours a day for more than three years now.
I’m pleased to say that I handled it nicely in the moment, but I’m embarrassed to admit how much this characterization annoyed me. My reaction doesn’t speak well of me, at all; I know perfectly well that this person has no particular reason to know what I’m up to and that she didn’t mean to bug me—yet I found it hard not to feel irritated with that particular characterization.
It’s helpful to “watch the characterizations” when we’re speaking to other people, and it’s also important when we’re characterizing things for ourselves. One of the challenges of my happiness project is to try to be more positive and lighthearted—without being fake and superficial.
Often, I’ve found that I can characterize something in a way that’s more positive but just as truthful. For example, “That meal was very filling” instead of “That meal was very heavy.” Or “The play had a lot of great moments” instead of “The third act of the play was boring.” Sometimes, of course, I’m trying to make a specific critical point, and that’s fine, but sometimes remembering to “watch the characterization” allows me to make my point in a less negative way—in particular, to myself.
* I subscribe to an interesting daily trend-watching newsletter, TrendCentral. Yesterday’s update listed some new slang terms, of which my favorite is: Retox (ree-tox) v. To go back on your New Year's resolutions and do the opposite of the goals you set for yourself. "Instead of following my resolution to get fit this year, I decided to retox and take up cooking classes instead. Oh well, no one follows New Year's resolutions anyway, right?"
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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One of the fun things about law school—and you thought there wasn’t anything fun about law school!—was the new vocabulary we all picked up. A new word lets you have a new idea.
I remember that after I learned the concept of “acting in reliance,” suddenly I saw people acting in reliance all over the place. (For example, when my friend John signed a lease for a two-bedroom apartment because Michael promised to room with him, he’d acted in reliance, and so when Michael wanted to move in with his girlfriend instead, John was entitled to hold him to his word.)
I’ve picked up a useful term from psychology: unconscious overclaiming. It’s certainly something I’m guilty of.
Unconscious overclaiming is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. In one study, for example, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.
This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable. You might think that getting the weekly reports finished on time is very important while your co-worker emphasizes prepping for a presentation.
It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” or “Why do I always have to be the one who …?” I try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.
Unconscious overclaiming is related to the “Lake Wobegon fallacy,” which describes the fact that we all fancy ourselves above average. (It’s named for Garrison Keillor’s imaginary town of Lake Wobegon, where “all the children are above average.”) Studies show that most people think they’re above average in fairness, luck, popularity, investing ability, and many other traits. In one survey, 80 percent of respondents put themselves in the top 30 percent of all drivers.
I love the mere word overclaiming. It’s perfect for what it describes.
* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a great post, What I've Learned: Julia Child. I have my True Rules series; this is a list of True Rules from Julia Child.
** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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My name is Gretchen Rubin, and I’m working on a book, The Happiness Project, an account of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and tips from popular culture about how to be happy—from Aristotle to Martin Seligman to Oprah.
I started this project because one April morning, looking out the rain-spattered window of a bus, I asked myself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” and I thought, “Well, I want to be happy.”
I realized with a jolt that I never thought about happiness, or whether I was happy, or what I could do to be happier. “I should have a happiness project!” I thought. So I started one.
A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: keeping your resolutions.
This blog, which I’ve been writing since 2006, recounts my adventures as I pursue my happiness project—what I try, what I learn. Your project would look different from mine, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit.
“But,” you might think, “if everyone’s happiness project is different, why should I bother to read about yours?” Here’s why: During my study of happiness, I’ve been surprised by how often I learn more from one person’s idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’ve learned more from Ben Franklin’s happiness project (yes, he had one) than from any other kind of argument.
Some people think that wanting to be happier is a selfish, self-absorbed goal—but I disagree. Robert Louis Stevenson got it right: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy,” he wrote. Research shows that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likeable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in the problems of others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens. And maybe betters bloggers, too.
** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.