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I was over at a friend’s house—for a meeting of one of my two children’s literature reading groups, in fact—where I saw her framed copy of "Desiderata." (Desiderata is a Latin word meaning “things to be desired.”) I’d seen it before, but I’d never read more than the first few lines, and I was struck by the soundness of the suggestions.
I always thought "Desiderata" was an inscription in an old churchyard, but it was actually written by Max Ehrmann in 1927. This bit of information detracts from its mystique somewhat, but it's still an interesting list.
1. Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
2. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
3. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
4. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; for they are vexations to the spirit.
5. If you compare yourself with others you may become bitter or vain, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
6. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
7. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
8. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery; but let this not blind you to what virtue there is.
9. Be yourself. [There it is, yet again, my First Commandment: Be Gretchen.]
10. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
11. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
12. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune, but do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
13. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
14. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
15. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
16. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, be at peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
17. Be cheerful.
18. Strive to be happy.
My favorite is No. 18. You can’t always be happy, but you can strive to be happy. And it's not selfish to strive to be happy—that's Happiness Myth No. 10. Remember the Second Splendid Truth!
Speaking of inscriptions found (or not) in churchyards, here’s my own favorite gravestone inscription:
Remember, friends, as you pass by,
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now, so you must be.
Prepare yourself to follow me.
Which item do you find most important in your own life?
* Daniel Schawbel, of the popular Personal Branding Blog and author of the book Me 2.0, was nice enough to do an interview with me.
* Wait, have I mentioned that the book, The Happiness Project, is coming out soon? Well, yes. I have. Many times. And here I am, mentioning it again -- and here's the pre-order link.
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A smart friend told me that I had to read The Conversations: Walter Murch and the Art of Editing Film by Michael Ondaatje. Even though this wasn’t a topic in which I had much interest, he spoke so highly of it that I decided to read it.
He was right. It's a fascinating book, on many levels. I love finding a book like this—which gives me entry into an entirely new world (sound and film editing, in this case) and also insight into a great creative mind like Walter Murch. There are a lot of almost throw-away lines that really struck me. I've quoted Murch for my weekly happiness quotation.
Another provocative line appeared in the book's discussion of The Conversation, a movie written and directed by Francis Ford Coppola, with Murch as the supervising editor and sound designer.
Coppola’s notes for the script of The Conversation include this line:
There is always the idea that the sins a man performs are not the same as the ones he thinks he has performed. …
What does this mean, exactly? How do we take this observation into account as we reflect on our actions?
Are the sins I think I’m performing not the ones I think I performed? Very likely. How, then, does one become virtuous? What do you think? I can't stop turning this line over in my mind.
* Last week I had coffee with Amanda Freeman, a friend who is one of the creative minds behind Vital Juice, the free daily e-mail that gives info about fitness, nutrition, health, etc. Funny and useful.
* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line, and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.
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I find Winston Churchill inexhaustibly fascinating, which is why I wrote a biography of him, so I was pleased—and surprised—to find, as an appendix to my Penguin Classics copy of Bram Stoker’s legendary novel, Dracula, the transcript of an interview Stoker did with Churchill in 1908. At that point, Stoker was trying to make it as a journalist, and the 34-year-old Churchill was British Under Secretary for the Colonies.
One of the striking things about Churchill is that he met the most astonishing range of people—everyone from Coco Chanel to Mark Twain to Greta Garbo to Billy Graham to Buffalo Bill. In Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I include a list of many of the people he met, and I wish I’d known to add Bram Stoker’s name. What a strange combo.
In the interview, I was also particularly interested to see Churchill giving his view on happiness.
Churchill observed to Stoker, “A man must choose his own way of life, and…it is only by following out one’s own bent that there can be the really harmonious life.” [This is EXACTLY what I mean by my First Commandment, to Be Gretchen].
When Stoker asked what exactly he meant by that, Churchill continued, “Harmonious life. A life when a man’s work is also his pleasure and vice versa. That conjunction, joined with a buoyant temperament, makes the best of worldly gifts.”
“Why buoyant temperament? I merely ask for information.”
“Simply because it implies a lot of other things: good health and strength, for instance. The great majority of human beings have to work the greater part of the day, and then amuse themselves afterwards—if they are not too tired. But the lucky few derive their keenest interest and enjoyment not from any contrast between business and idle hours—but from the work itself. But certainly physical health has a good deal to do with it.”
Churchill is talking about something bigger than physical energy, but it's true that having lots of energy helps boost happiness. Life just seems more manageable, and it's easier to do the things—like exercise, make plans with other people, work on projects—that support happiness.
Studies show that you’re more likely to feel good about yourself when you feel energetic, and being considered an “energizer” makes you far more likely to win a positive work evaluation.
Harmonious life and a buoyant temperament—yes, that sounds like a good recipe for a happy life. It's not easy to do much about your inborn temperament; we probably have a lot more influence over creating a harmonious life.
Ah, Churchill! Now I must go re-read some of my favorite bits of Their Finest Hour.
* The nice folks at Happier.com have officially launched. Lots of great tools and test there to measure, track, and improve your happiness.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.”—Aristotle
* Fascinating post on Starfish Envy about "numbness." Numbness is a very helpful term for a particular state of mind, and the post really got me thinking.
* Have you pre-ordered your copy of The Happiness Project? No? Well, here's your chance.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I love visiting this blog’s companion site, the Happiness Project Toolbox—it’s fun to add to my own Inspiration Board, keep up with my own one-sentence journal (mine is a journal of what I’m reading), check my lists, etc.
But I’m really addicted to the site because I love looking at what other people are writing. I can’t get enough of reading other people’s favorite quotations on the Inspiration Boards, seeing other people’s personal commandments, and all the rest. (To see what other people have added, you can click on the Tools listed across the top or on the “more” running down the right side.)
Today, instead of proposing one of my resolutions for your happiness project, I gathered six of my favorite resolutions from that section of the Toolbox. These are resolutions posted by other people that I’m going to start to follow myself:
1. Say “I love you” every day.
2. Choose the bigger life.
3. Read books with my children.
4. Laugh with my wife daily [OK, I’ll change this to “husband”].
5. Kindness.
6. Put clothes away.
I don’t knit, so I won’t follow the resolution “no pressure knitting,” but that resolution gave me such a clear picture of that person and that happiness project! I laughed out loud; I know exactly what that means.
One note: I see that a lot of people have the resolution to “drink more water.” It’s not clear that this is a helpful resolution. Maybe you don't need to drink more water. If you love drinking water, then by all means, drink water, but from what I can see, the benefits are quite overblown, so you don’t need to worry about this too much.
We all have a limited capacity for sticking to resolutions, so make sure you’re getting the biggest happiness bang for the buck. You'd probably be better off using your precious resolution energy toward going for a 10-minute walk instead of trying to drink water.
What resolutions have proved most helpful in your happiness projects?
* Ashby Jones at the Wall Street Journal law blog did a two-part interview with me this week. We had a great time talking about happiness, lawyers, and career choices in general.
Part I
Part II
* Join the discussion on the Facebook Page. Lots of interesting commentary there.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six tips for coping with the fact that you don’t remember a person’s name.
If you’re like me, you sometimes have trouble remembering people’s names or even how you know them. A few years ago, while at a chaotic birthday party for a 3-year-old, I was on the brink of going over to some little kid’s father to say, “I think we went to college together.” Turns out it was Dylan McDermott!
In ancient Rome, the job of the "nomenclator" was to whisper or announce the names of people as they approached a politician. My husband serves this function for me; he has an uncanny ability to recall names and faces—people he has met once, years ago, and also famous people. I'll insist I've never met someone before, and he'll say, "Wasn't he in your class in college?" I have no idea how he does it, but I really suffer when I go to social events without him.
So I’ve developed some strategies for coping with the fact that I’m not able to pull up a person’s name right away. Of course, you can always just say politely, "I'm sorry, I don't recall your name," but if you'd rather try to disguise your forgetfulness a bit, give these a try:
1. The “I know your name, but I’m blocked” dodge:
“I keep wanting to call you 'David,' but I know that’s not right.”
2. The “Of course I know you—in fact, I want all your information” dodge:
“Hey, I’d love to get your card.”
3. The “The tip of my tongue” dodge:
“I know I know your name, but I’m blanking right now.”
4. The “You’re brilliant!” dodge:
“Wow, you have a terrific memory. I can’t believe you remember my name from that meeting six months ago. I can’t remember the names of people I met yesterday! So of course I have to ask you your name.”
5. The “Sure, I remember you” dodge:
“Remind me—what’s your last name?” If you ask a person for his last name, he’s likely to repeat both names. “Doe, John Doe.”
6. The “One-sided introduction” dodge:
“Hey,” you say to the person whose name you can’t remember, “let me introduce you to Pat Smith.” You introduce the two and say the name of the person whose name you remember. Almost always, the nameless person will volunteer his or her name.
Also, remember that others might have trouble remembering your name. When you’re saying hello to someone, err on the side of reintroducing yourself. “Hi, John, it’s Gretchen Rubin.” Say your name slowly and clearly. And don’t get offended if someone doesn’t remember your name! And while you're at it, remember to smile. It really does make a difference in how friendly you're perceived to be.
* The brilliant Leo Babauta of Zen Habits fame has started a site, Mnmlist.com, about minimalism, "How less is the answer." Lots of wonderful material there.
* As I posted the other day, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If you'd come to a book event I was doing in your town, it would be very helpful if you'd drop me an e-mail at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
Chris Guillebeau has a terrific blog, the Art of Non-Conformity, “unconventional strategies for life, work, and travel.” For example, one of the unconventional goals he has set for himself: to try to visit every country in the world. So far he has visited more than 100. I myself do not have the wanderlust gene, and I get a vicarious pleasure from reading about other people’s strenuous travels (a pleasure untroubled by any desire to do so myself!).
He’s also interested in “the convergence between highly personal goals and service to others”—a very happiness-project-y concern. Like me, Chris is a member of the fantastic LifeRemix network (lots of great blogs gathered there).
Chris and I have many interests in common—yet we’re also quite different from each other—so I was very curious to read his answers to these questions about happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Chris: Afternoon coffee breaks. It's not the most unconventional ritual, but it works for me. I try not to attempt much in the way of productive activity between 2 and 4 p.m. most days. I've found that if I spend that time reading and relaxing, my post-afternoon work (and happiness level in general) will be much better.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That I am allowed to be happy. I used to be a fairly unhappy, resentful person. Part of that came out of a difficult childhood, so it wasn't necessarily all my fault, but I also believe that after a certain point you have to be responsible for yourself. When I started taking responsibility for my own life and not following the same path I saw other people taking, I became much, much happier. The shift was huge.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Trying to be responsible for everything and everyone. This is an impossible quest, of course, and whenever I try and fail, I become unhappy.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I tried reminding myself to be Gretchen, but that was confusing. :)
I really like the motto: "You don't have to live your life the way other people expect you to." It's something I've latched on to and used as the mantra for my crusade on convention.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
As I alluded to earlier, I used to be a very unhappy person. I became happier by a) carefully examining a number of areas of my life that were not creating happiness for me, and b) taking a series of small-to-big actions to change that. Over time it worked very well. I feel like I'm in the 92nd percentile of happiness these days. I think I'd like to go to about the 98th, so I'm working on that.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes. For me it begins with an active process of goal-setting where I spend a full week every December thinking about what I want to accomplish over the next year. I review what went well in the present year and what didn't. Based on that analysis, I'll set three to five goals each in eight to 10 categories for the next year. I then spend much of the next year focused on the things I identified as being important to me.
Note: If this process sounds excessively rigid or formal, it's really not. I'm more right-brained than left, and this kind of goal-setting is meant to be a creative, free-flowing exercise that I am also free to alter during the year.
I also spend a lot of time traveling, which generally makes me happy depending on the context and what else is happening. I usually go to at least 20 countries a year, including a number of off-the-grid places like Pakistan and Syria. That part might not work for everyone, but for some reason it suits me nicely—so I've learned not to question it too much.
* I met Amy Krouse Rosenthal at a BBQ this summer, and it was only later that I realized that A) she wrote one of my favorite picture books, Little Pea, and B) her "The Beckoning of Lovely" video is very happiness-project-y. It's really worth checking out.
* As I posted yesterday, I'm trying to figure out the level of interest for a book tour. If I did a book event in your town, and you'd come, it would be very helpful if you'd either post a comment below or drop me an email at grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers). Just write "tour" in the subject line and be sure to include the name of your city! Thanks very much to all the people who already answered; the information is enormously helpful.
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I have a new (highly specific and quite idiosyncratic) happiness-project resolution, “Use Twitter to send out a daily quotation from Virginia Woolf’s brilliant novel, The Waves.”
I’m haunted by a line from Carl Jung, “The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” I often feel this way when I read or see a work of art that I love—I want to enter into it, play with it, make something with it, myself. But that’s often a frustrating impulse, because I can’t think of a way to enter into it on my own terms.
I feel that way about paintings. I love some paintings, but I don’t have anyplace to go with that love. It’s not enough just to look—but what else can I do? I tried going to a "Drawing on the Right-Side of the Brain" class (you can read all about it in my book), because I thought that sketching a painting might be a way to play with it, but I just don’t have that skill or the interest to develop the skill.
With reading, it’s easier. I can copy my favorite quotations into one of my gigantic commonplace books. I have hundreds of passages copied in these books, dating back to fifth grade. I used to fight my note-taking impulse as a time-waster, but now I embrace it; how did I not realize the tremendous happiness it gives me?
And one of the things I love most about writing is playing with others’ work. In fact, it’s safe to say that each of my books has been, at bottom, an excuse to quote from my favorite books. Take Forty Ways To Look at Winston Churchill—nothing give me more joy than quoting Churchill. One of my favorite things about my blog is that I can quote from, or comment on, my favorite books.
But some writers’ work eludes my grasp. I love it, and I want to play with it, but I haven’t figured out how to do that.
For example, Virginia Woolf. I love Woolf’s work, but it’s almost unbearable for me to read it, because I can’t do anything with it, except copy it into my gigantic collections of favorite quotations. I want to play with it, to build on it, to discuss it—but how? I can build Samuel Johnson into a blog post easily, but Virginia Woolf is on a different plane.
Those sentences! So extraordinary, so powerful.
Then I thought: Why not use Twitter to engage with The Waves? I posted about this idea a few months ago. (Note: I love this post because it's not often a person can allude to Robert Pattinson and Virginia Woolf in the same breath.) To send out a tweet once a day with a quotation from The Waves … I’d read the book in a new way, and I’d appreciate its beauty in a new way. Would other people find this obscure or boring? Maybe, but it’s very difficult to know what will resonate with other people. I’m going to do it—at the very least, it will make me happy.
Here’s my first one, one of my favorite lines in all of literature and one of my personal koans: “Rhoda has rocked her ships to shore. Whether they have anchored, whether they have foundered, she cares no longer.”
At first, I hesitated. Should I quote from the book in order? How long should I continue? Is it disrespectful to Woolf’s masterpiece to cut it up and dole it out in this way? I decided not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good: I will quote out of order; I’ll do it for as long as it’s engaging. There are so many astonishing lines in The Waves. They will have a new power, taken in isolation and out of context this way.
Such is the nature of my homage to Virginia Woolf.
Also, after I posted about wanting to use Twitter this way, someone else was eager to join in. She’s not usually a Twitter user, so she started a Twitter account @TheWaves2009. So you can get two ways of getting a twitter-fix of The Waves now! Follow her and follow me at @gretchenrubin.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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As I may have casually mentioned once or twice before, I have a book coming out in December. Yes, it’s true!
Although it’s still very early, it’s time to think about the book tour. Although we’re all familiar with the idea of author appearances at local bookstores, writers are doing far, far less touring than in the past. It’s expensive, and, for the most part, it’s an ineffective way of shining a spotlight on a book. Most books just don’t draw a crowd of any size at all, and often now, there is no proper book tour for a book.
As part of the book-tour consideration, I’d love to get a feel for how much interest there is here. So I’m going to ask for help: If you truly think you’d try to come to an event for The Happiness Project, if I came to your town, would you please add a comment below?
Or, if you’d rather, shoot me an e-mail. Note “Tour” in the subject line to grubin[at]gretchenrubin[dot com]. (Sorry about the weird format—trying to thwart spammers).
Just write something like “Yes, I’d try to come if you did a book event in FILL IN THE NAME OF YOUR TOWN.” If you’d bring friends, add “and I’d bring some friends.”
These responses (or lack of responses) will be enormously useful to have. Thanks!
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“A man does not work only for the sake of producing, but to set a value on his time. We feel more satisfied with ourselves and with our day if we have stirred up our minds and made a good start, or have finished a piece of work.”—Eugene Delacroix
* Good stuff at Work Happy Now!
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 27,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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I can never bear to see myself on video, so I haven't watched this myself, but I had a lot of fun talking about "tried and tested ways to find happiness" on the CBS News show Up to the Minute. I talk about the simple, everyday kinds of things that can boost happiness.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Writer Jean Stafford scoffed, “Happy people don’t need to have fun,” but studies show that the absence of feeling bad isn’t enough to make you feel good; you must strive to find sources of feeling good. Research shows that regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are 20 times more likely to feel happy.
Recently, I noticed a pattern among activities that people find fun: Have a mission. There’s something about having a playful purpose, of trying to achieve something, that makes an activity more fun.
For example, a friend told that she loved visiting flea markets and antique stores to look for old globes—not fancy ones, but cheap ones. She has a rule that she’ll never pay more than $20. She’s the kind of person who loves poking around in those kinds of shops in any case, but having a mission makes it more fun, less aimless.
For that matter, having a collection of any sort is a very popular way to have a mission. You get the little zap of satisfaction whenever you find another piece of blue sea glass on the beach or another out-of-print book by Charlotte Yonge. Or you collect experiences, like attending a game in every Major League Baseball stadium or running in as many marathons as possible.
Taking photos is a common way to incorporate a mission into traveling. Not only does this help keep memories vivid, it also makes you more attuned to your environment while traveling. (Although for some people, taking photos can become a barrier to experience; they get so focused on getting the photos that they don’t enjoy the reality.) For example, during my most recent visit to New Haven, I had a lot more fun wandering around once I set myself the mission of taking tourist photos of my own romance.
Some people have a mission to take photos during everyday life: taking a photo of people’s bare feet whenever they get the chance, taking a photo of every red barn they see. Artist Nicholas Nixon did a series called "The Brown Sisters," a series of black-and-white photos of his wife and her three sisters taken every year from 1975-2006. It’s absolutely riveting.
Why is this true? The First Splendid Truth holds that to be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.
The more I’ve thought about happiness, the more surprised I’ve been at the importance of the “atmosphere of growth.” I think this is a huge engine of happiness, and when you have a mission, you create an atmosphere of growth whenever you pursue that mission.
Have you found a way to have a mission? What is it—and does it boost your happiness?
* On Gimundo, I read about a very reassuring study that concludes that workers who are permitted to spend time each day (less than 20 percent of total time) puttering around the Internet are actually more productive than those who aren't allowed to do so. Phew.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for getting along with your mother-in-law (or your in-laws, generally).
I’m extremely lucky with fate as it relates to my mother-in-law and father-in-law. We get along very well, which is fortunate, because we live right around the corner from my in-laws, and I mean right around the corner. You don’t even have to cross the street; one lone skinny townhouse separates our apartment buildings. I see my in-laws many times each month.
Obviously, though, many people aren’t in such a happy circumstance. I’ve noticed that relationship problems with in-laws are among the most common issues that people raise—whether it is people complaining about their spouse’s parents or people complaining about their kids’ spouses. In-laws have a unique power to drive us crazy.
These tips apply, of course, only if your in-laws aren’t actually abusive, or dangerous, or so malicious that it’s just not possible to be around them. Assuming that they aren’t quite that horrible, here are some points to consider:
1. Remember the mere exposure effect. It turns out that familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" means that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces--even nonsense syllables—better. The more often you see another person, the more intelligent and attractive you tend to find that person. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, take the time to see her and talk to her. That may ease your relationship.
2. Act the way you want to feel. Counterintuitive as it may sound, feelings follow actions. Before an encounter with your in-laws, take the time to put yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind or at least try to act that way when you see them. If you go into a situation acting angry, defensive, or suspicious, you’ll invoke that emotion in yourself and likely a negative reaction from others. If you’re feeling more lighthearted, you won’t be as quick to take offense.
3. Avoid pointless bickering. If you and your in-laws fight about something, like politics or religion, year after year, try to agree to disagree. Are you going to change the voting or eating habits of your 75-year-old father-in-law? Or your 35-year-old son-in-law? Similarly, avoid carping. In general, pointing out people’s mistakes or criticizing their choices isn’t polite, and it isn’t welcome—and it’s not effective!
4. Mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values. One of the great mysteries of human nature is that when we accept ourselves, other people tend to accept us. When we don’t accept ourselves, people tend to pester us. If you know your own values, and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off. (Yet another reason to follow my First Commandment.)
For example, although she almost never says anything about it, I know that my mother-in-law wishes my children dressed in more classic kids’ clothes. Corduroy jumpers, tasteful dresses, etc. And truth be told, that’s what I would like them to wear, too. But that’s not what my daughters like. The big one wants to be more fashionable; the little one favors sparkles, sequins, and bright colors.
A while back, I decided, “Within the boundaries of cost and age-appropriateness, I’ll let my daughters dress the way they like. This isn’t an issue where my taste needs to prevail.” (At times, it has been hard to live up to this resolution.)
Because I’m living according to my own values, it doesn’t bother me that my mother-in-law doesn’t approve. I believe in my approach. So if you’re annoyed by someone’s remarks about your household decor, your income, your cooking, your work habits, your cleaning habits, your life decisions (starting a family, where to live, buying a kitten), ask yourself, “Am I living according to my own values?” If you are, criticism slides off more easily.
5. Children, of course, can be a big source of contention. Try to keep some perspective. Samuel Johnson wrote, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” In keeping with this philosophy, I decided, “If it’s not actually harmful, I’ll let others take care of my daughters in their own way.” A friend of mine—the educational, wooden-toy, no-TV type of parent—was furious when her mother-in-law bought her daughter a My Little Pony toy. They had a huge fight about it. Do you really want to have that fight?
6. Remember grandparent privilege. When I was little, my grandmother would buy us any junk food we wanted (chiefly PopTarts) and let us stay up until midnight watching TV. My sister and I loved it. Did this do us any lasting harm? No. And we didn’t expect junk food or midnight TV at home, either. Grandparents get to be indulgent, if they want. Or superstrict or have weird rules. That’s grandparent privilege.
7. Remember parent privilege. Maybe you think it’s ridiculous for parents today to fuss so much about car seats, trans fats, violence on TV, allergies, rigidly enforced bedtimes, etc., etc. Or maybe you think your children are too permissive as parents. The fact is, most parents really want to do the right thing for their children, and if they feel that you don’t respect their rules and their approach, that will be an issue.
8. Respect others’ priorities. If you’re having trouble with someone, ask yourself, “What’s important to this person?” That we all have Thanksgiving dinner together? That we go to church together? That the grandchildren come visit for the weekend? That we dress a certain way? Unless it violates your deeply held principles, it’s generous to try to respect other people’s priorities—and it sure promotes peace. Even if you dismiss celebrating Mother’s Day as an empty, consumerist ritual, or you think it’s ridiculous to have to change into a button-down shirt for dinner, you can do it because it’s the loving thing to do.
9. Think about your spouse or your child. You’re in a relationship with this difficult in-law because of someone you love. What’s best for that person? Do you need to try to break the tension? Change the subject? Avoid difficult situations? Bite your tongue? Endure excruciating boredom? Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices.
10. Focus on the positive. Find ways to be grateful for your in-laws. At the very least, your in-laws are the parents of your spouse, or the beloved of your child. Look for the good. Try to make jokes. It could probably be worse.
Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don't tell you how to deal with your difficult in-laws—they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can only change yourself.
Usually when I write about happiness, I write about issues that concern me very deeply. As I said, lucky me, I don’t have lots of in-law problems—I’m tackling this subject because so many people have asked me to do so. I’m sure I’m missing some key points or getting something wrong. What would you suggest? What strategies have helped you deal with in-laws (either the parents of your spouse or the spouse of your kids)?
For some non-in-law-specific tips, here’s a list of seven tips for getting along with difficult relatives. And although you think your in-law is difficult, consider the fact that you may be the difficult one! Take this quiz to see if others find you difficult.
* If you're a big reader, check out this fantastic list of top book blogs. A treasure trove.
* If you're asking, "Well, I wonder if Gretchen entered the stage of blatant book promotion yet?" you can find the answer here.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
My friend Marci Alboher is a massive connector. She seems to know everyone, and she loves making introductions. She introduced Manisha Thakor and me (virtually) because we have a major interest in common – the relationship between money and happiness.
Manisha is a former financial analyst/portfolio manager (among other things) who writes and speaks a lot about personal money management. She wrote On My Own Two Feet and her next book, Get Financially Naked: How To Talk Money With Your Honey, is coming out in a few months. She also has a blog and often appears on TV to talk about money.
The relationship between money and happiness is one of the most fascinating subtopics within the large subject of happiness, so I was very interested to see how she would answer these questions.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Manisha: Sitting in a cafe sipping a cappuccino and contemplating life - ideally with jazz playing in the background and sunlight streaming through the windows.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
More is often...just more. In other words, some of my happiest moments have come from small, simple, daily joys (chatting with my husband, a good workout, hearing an uplifting song, helping someone else solve a problem). The more complex your professional and personal life gets, the harder it can be to savor these kinds of consistently uplifting "small" things.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
YES!!! Checking emails first thing in the morning.
As a self-employed author / speaker / financial literacy advocate trying to "break out" and build my brand...the internet is both my lifeline and the plastic bag over my head. I work from home - so social networks like Twitter [@ManishaThakor], Facebook, Linked-In, YouTube, and old-fashioned email are often my primary means of communication with the outside world. I have yet to balance that fine line between using new media to stay abreast of trends and meet new people - and having it suck me into a downward swirl of self-imposed 24/7/365 connectivity. I have a horrible habit of reaching for my iPhone first thing in the morning while I'm still in bed to start checking my emails...and more often than I care to admit I find myself wandering off on some electronic tangent, which in turn depletes my energy and keeps me from focusing on the things that bring me real joy.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
"Only you can make yourself happy." From a young age, my parents have taught me that happiness is an inside job. As a consummate "people-pleaser,” I can't say I've mastered the lesson yet...but I'm sure trying!
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity?
I have long struggled with the toxic cocktail of depression, perfectionism, and workaholism. These less-than-pleasant companions on this journey of life tend to pull at my coattails with varying intensity - but without a doubt a good sweaty workout (anything from swimming to a power walk) invariably works miracles when I'm wobbling along the mental edge.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness, or detracts a lot from their happiness?
Add: Random acts of kindness.
Subtract: Clinging to the past.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
My happiness levels whip around as fast as a pair of legs doing the tango. My happiest moments in life have been when I am so fully engage in work I love that I land in that blissful state of flow (for me that's anything related to women's issues & personal finance, especially when I am able to give a woman financial advice that can help propel her life forward). However, those feeling of bliss can easily plummet if I feel stretched in too many directions - through professional or personal overcommitments. Feeling pressured (professionally, personally, financially) makes me miserable.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Given what I call my "straw that breaks the camel's back" personality, I am now working hard to streamline and pare down my life to the things that really bring me joy. If an activity or a person depletes me, I'm trying to learn the tough skill of just saying no.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
As a lifelong nerdy introvert - I've always found social situations nerve-wracking. As such, I'm always surprised when I go out with a group of people and have a good time. Had just such an event last night: my husband and I went to a dinner party and by listening to other people's stories and current life issues, it transported me out of my shyness and into this state of real happiness and connectedness.
I believe passionately that having your personal finances under control can be a big contributor to your happiness. I've seen time and again how even simple steps, like actually adding up how much debt a person has on their credit cards or getting the funds in their IRA or 401k properly invested, can relieve huge amounts of stress and hope up space for happiness. To me the whole reason to get on top of your personal finances is precisely so you can live the life that makes your heart sing So I see a tight linkage between money & happiness - just not in the traditional way!
* Appropriately, I found this post on Ten Signs You’re Not as Rich as You Could Be on Manisha’s website. It’s a great list, both funny and perceptive. My favorites: #2 You have a key to a public storage unit and #4 You have no idea what your tap water tastes like.
* Join the lively happiness discussions over on the Facebook Page.
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I’m a huge fan of Twilight (books and movie)—a fact about myself that continues to fascinate and puzzle me. Because of my fandom, I spend a little more time reading Twilight-related Internet stuff than is strictly efficient.
So one Friday afternoon when I should’ve been working, I was reading about the Twilight panel at Comic-Con, and to my surprise, I found myself hit by a moment of elevation—the exhilarating happy pleasure roused by the spectacle of virtue.
This feeling was inspired by a remark made by Taylor Lautner. For those who don’t follow the Twilight saga, the story features two male characters: Edward (a vampire played by Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (a werewolf played by Taylor Lautner). Fans of Twilight—an infamously passionate group—often describe themselves as members of “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob,” depending on which character appeals to them more.
According the transcript of the panel, when asked about “Dealing with the whole Team Jacob and Team Edward phenomenon,” Lautner answered: “Sometimes it’s hard for me to try and live up to Team Jacob in the right way.”
When I read this, I felt a rush of elevation.
Simone Weil observed, “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.”
When I read Taylor Lautner’s statement, I thought—zoikes, this is “real good.” Here’s a 17-year-old guy, at the center of the biggest fan frenzy in the last several decades, who has reached a crazy level of fame in the last year, who is surrounded by untold numbers of female fans who identify themselves as Team Jacob, and who is a key actor in what will certainly be one of the most lucrative film franchises in history. What temptations, at every level, would present themselves to such a person?
But he wants to “live up to Team Jacob in the right way.” The more you think about this statement, the more admirable it is. To quote Shakespeare (or Willy Wonka, take your pick), “So shines a good deed in a weary world.”
Now, I follow Twilight, but not enough to know how Taylor Lautner actually acts; maybe he isn't as well-behaved as this statement suggests. But he's thinking about it.
* The New York Times Magazine’s cover story by Clive Thompson, Is Happiness Catching?, is absolutely fascinating. All about how we influence each other—in matters such as smoking, obesity, happiness—in social networks.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts to about 27,000 subscribers. If you’d like to sign up, click here or e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format—trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line. It’s free.
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“Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.”—Henry David Thoreau
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I dread updates—when some computer program cheerfully but forcefully insists on doing an update; when some long-beloved appliance dies and is replaced with the newer, mysterious version of itself (why is it so hard to turn on the TV in someone else’s house?); or when my husband joyfully presents the new tech doodad that I’ll have to figure out how to use.
Novelty and challenge bring happiness, true, but they also bring frustration, anxiety, and sometimes a bit of cursing. It can be hard to get accustomed to a new look or a new approach. To keep myself patient as I work through an update, I often apply my resolution to Put myself in jail.
The thing is, though, updates are often helpful. Programs, appliances, and services get better. Once I forced myself to figure out our new digital camera—not anything fancy, just the basics—I realized it was easier to use than my old camera. Updates boost happiness by making things work better and by giving a satisfying feel of mastery.
I’m reminding myself of this now because I’m trying to embrace the update of my blog. I started it on March 27, 2006, when I knew nothing about blogging, and zoikes, there wasn’t much to it in the early days. I remember my feelings of triumph when I first added an image! As I’ve learned more, I’ve added more bells and whistles, with what might be called “organic” effect—or less nicely, “messy” effect.
As much as I love my blog the way it is, and as proud as I am of figuring out how to put in an RSS button, live sidebar links, etc., it’s time to fix it up a bit.
In an example of my favorite Zen saying, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears,” I’d just started fussing about the ramshackle quality of my blog when help arrived.
The brilliant Fred Wilson put it very diplomatically when he said something like, “Your blog reminds me of mine, before I spruced it up. I have the name of a great person to help you, if you want it.” Um, yes.
So thanks to the work of superhero Nathan Bowers, about whom I can’t say enough good things, an updated version of my blog will appear Monday. Many of you don’t read me at www.happiness-project.com, so for you, nothing will change. But if you read this blog on my own home site, you’ll see quite a difference. I hope you like it. Embrace the update.
Added bonus: In the redesign, something very exciting (well, exciting to me) is revealed for the first time! Can you figure out what it is? The Super-Fans know, but no one else.
What do you think? Have you found that embracing updates makes you happier—at least in some circumstances? Or do you steer clear of any avoidable updates, as mindless churn?
* OK, you have to be in a very sentimental, sappy mood to enjoy this video on Gimundo of a puppy who can't get up off his back, but it really hit the spot for me.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Steve Jobs: "I'm very happy to be here today with you all. As some of you know about five months ago I had a liver transplant, so I now have the liver of a mid-20's person who died in a car crash. I wouldn't be here without such generosity. I hope all of us can be as generous and become organ donors."
If you support organ donation, be sure to let people know. Tell your family you want to be an organ donor. Sign the registry. Happiness is living your values.
* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox—fun ways to track your happiness project.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for how to fight right with your sweetheart.
My friend Karen Salmansohn has written several books on happiness—The Bounce Back Book; How To Be Happy, Dammit; The Seven Lively Sins. Her new book, Prince Harming Syndrome, gives love advice by combining Aristotle's philosophy and modern cognitive therapy, with a kind of post-Sex and the City edge.
Her book covers a lot of ground about how to find “Prince Charming” instead of “Prince Harming,” but whether you’re in a new relationship or a settled relationship, or a man or a woman, it has a great list of suggestions about how to fight right.
Fight right is one of my own happiness-project resolutions. All couples fight; the secret is to fight right so that conflict doesn't damage your relationship. I've written about phrases to use during a fight, to fight right, and Karen has suggestions about how to behave to keep a fight from escalating into ugliness.
Here are Karen’s suggested suggestions:
1. Pick the right time and place so you can speak openly and without interruption. [Important additional benefit: when I wait to bring up an argument with my husband, I often decide that we don’t need to have it. Like when I was furious about the fact that he'd thrown away a magazine before I'd read it. The next morning, I decided it wasn't such a big deal.]
2. Avoid harsh start-ups. As the first three minutes go, so goes the entire conversation. Stay calm and warm.
3. Don’t try to prove that you’re right. Show that you understand your partner’s point of view.
4. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, yelling makes it hard to fight right. Yelling doesn’t relieve angry feelings, it inflames them. Act the way you want to feel.
5. Be specific about what exactly upset you, and don’t fall into generalizations like “You always…” “You never…”
6. View anger as a misdirected plea for love. Your partner is upset because he or she feels that something you said or did showed a lack of love. Viewing the problem through this lens can help you feeling more loving.
7. Name the exact emotion you feel. Angry, resentful, hurt, embarrassed, humiliated, vulnerable, afraid, up-tight, depressed? Just the act of observing the fact that you’re feeling a negative emotion helps you calm you. [I think this is also useful because it forces you to identify what’s really upsetting you. Often we’re not honest with ourselves. I often act angry when my feelings are hurt.]
8. If you keep interrupting each other, give each partner a ten-minute block of time to talk.
9. Watch your body language. Crossing your arms or sneering isn’t helpful. Studies show that it helps to hold each other’s hands while having a difficult conversation. Or if holding hands seems a little precious during a fight, just touch the other person, sit right next to him or her, etc.
10. Close a difficult conversation by talking about happy memories or qualities you love about your partner.
From my own experience, I’d say that the easiest step to remember and put into practice is #9. Staying in physical contact during a fight makes it a lot easier to stay warm and calm.
What other strategies have you found to help yourself fight right with your sweetheart?
* It's that time again! What time? Time to mention that my book is available for pre-order.
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I just read a short, interesting book by Robert Maurer, One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way.
I’m surprised I hadn’t known about kaizen before. The Japanese term kaizen is an approach of using small steps of continuous improvement to bring about change. Instead of pursuing radical changes – which are ambitious, difficult, and often don’t succeed – you take small, comfortable steps. Maurer points out that although kaizen developed in a business setting, it also applies to individuals.
His example: after telling his patient Julie about the importance of taking time for herself and getting exercise, instead of giving the standard (and unrealistic) advice that she spend thirty minutes a day on aerobically challenging exercise, he said “How about if you just march in place in front of the television, each day, for one minute?”
When she returned for her next visit, she reported that she had kept with that routine (which wasn’t hard!). This didn’t add up to much exercise, but it gave her a more optimistic, energetic frame of mind, and she was willing to take on more. Within a few months, she was doing full aerobic workouts.
When a goal is too intimidating – “How can I switch careers from law to writing?” “How can I have a baby as a single mother?” “How can I start my own business?” “How can I lose sixty pounds and get in shape?” – you don’t even want to think about it. Pushing yourself to think of the smallest possible steps toward that goal keeps it from being too scary.
Also, if you ask yourself a specific question often enough, you’re bound to come up with some useful answers.
Maurer suggests a few kaizen questions to prompt ideas:
-- If health were my first priority, what would I be doing differently today?
-- How could I incorporate a few more minutes of exercise into my daily routine?
-- What’s the smallest step I can take to be more efficient?
-- What can I do in five minutes a day to reduce my credit-card debt?
-- How could I find one source of information about adult education classes in my city?
-- Whom could I ask for help? [Yes! Ask for help! Why is it so easy to overlook this extremely effective strategy?]
-- What’s one small, loving act I can do today for a friend, acquaintance, or stranger?
For my own happiness project, I've found that these kinds of questions have helped me focus on concrete actions. Instead of asking, “How can I get more joy out of life?” I asked, “What’s one thing I can do for ten minutes each day that would give me a bit of joy?” Instead of asking, “How can I be a better parent?” I asked, “What’s one thing I can change about our mornings to make them more pleasant for everyone?” It’s hard to think of an answer to the first question; it’s easier to think of an answer to the second question.
That’s why with my happiness project, I focus so much on my resolutions. These concrete, manageable steps, attempted every day, are what have made me happier since I started my project. (If you need help keeping resolutions, here are twelve tips.)
* If you're looking for a way to make small, concrete, comfortable changes, try using the Happiness Project Toolbox.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project. (I'm actually posting this on Thursday this week, because I'll be away from my computer on Friday.)
One of my favorite advocates for the strategy of working for happiness by taking manageable, concrete steps every day is the FlyLady. “Baby steps, baby steps” is her mantra.
The FlyLady (Marla Cilley) writes for a very particular audience, with a big emphasis on household chores and clutter. But her principles—and many of her suggestions—apply everywhere.
One of my favorites is her admonition to put on your shoes. In Sink Reflections, she writes, “You act differently when you have clothes and shoes on. ... With shoes on those feet of yours, your mind says, ‘OK, it’s time to go to work.’ You have no excuse for not taking the trash out or putting that box of give-away stuff into the car. You are literally ready for anything.”
When I was in law school, my roommate told me about a study that showed that graduate students who put on their shoes each morning were markedly more efficient than those who padded around in their stocking feet. That was years ago, and I haven’t been able to find the study—and she may not have reported it accurately. (Does anyone know the reference?) Nevertheless, I've never forgotten it.
It’s absolutely true for me. I’m far more productive and energetic when I have my shoes on—and this is true even for getting writing done, when I’m sitting down.
Of course, for many people, wearing shoes is non-optional (so you get a gold star for keeping this resolution every day!) Also, like all great truths, the opposite is also true – so for some people, not wearing shoes may be the better choice. My father-in-law, for example, goes around in his stocking feet, even at work. The key is to know yourself.
I’ve heard that wearing shoes in the house tracks in a tremendous amount of dirt, so from a clutter-clearing standpoint, you’re better off leaving your shoes at the door. A lot of my friends have trained their children to take off their shoes in the house, and adults keep their shoes on.
But I know for myself, and judging by my unscientific poll of a lot of people I know, putting on shoes makes you feel ready for action. If you’re a shoes-optional freelancer, telecommuter, homemaker, or part-timer, consider wearing your shoes when you're trying to be productive.
What do you think? Does wearing shoes affect your energy or productivity?
* I haven’t posted this link before, because it makes me feel sheepish and also like a big self-promoter, but I have to say a huge THANK YOU to the brilliant Colleen Wainwright, a/k/a the Communicatrix, for her amazingly generous post about The Happiness Project book. It's hard to know what to say when someone does something so nice for you.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 12 tips to create a happier (and more productive) workplace.
I just finished First, Break All the Rules by Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman. I’d heard about it for years, but I didn’t actually pick up a copy until a smart friend told me to read it.
The authors did a study with the Gallup Organization to find a way, among other things, to measure strong workplaces, ones that would attract and retain the most productive employees.
They came up with a list of 12 questions, and if employees answered “yes” and were happier in their workplaces, they tended to work in business units with higher levels of productivity, profit, retention, and customer satisfaction—which shows that there is a link between how employees feel and how they perform.
This is a good list to use if you’re a manager who wants to create a happier and more productive work environment, or if you’re a job seeker/holder who wants criteria by which to judge a workplace.
Also, if you’re not happy at work, and you’re trying to Identify the problem, take a look at this list. It suggests strategies for improving your situation. Not everything is within your control, of course, but perhaps you could identify for your boss what you need to change #2 from “no” to “yes” or to shift responsibilities so you get #3. Or can you make an effort to gain #10?
1. Do I know what is expected of me at work?
2. Do I have the materials and equipment I need to do my work right?
3. At work, do I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day?
4. In the last seven days, have I received recognition or praise for doing good work?
5. Does my supervisor, or someone at work, seem to care about me as a person?
6. Is there someone at work who encourages my development?
7. At work, do my opinions seem to count?
8. Does the mission/purpose of my company make me feel like my work is important?
9. Are my co-workers committed to doing quality work?
10. Do I have a best friend at work? [But don’t have an office affair!]
11. In the last six months, have I talked with someone about my progress?
12. This last year, have I had opportunities at work to learn and grow?
The first six questions have the strongest links to business outcomes (productivity, profitability, retention, and customer satisfaction).
I was also interested to see that the study suggested that people’s opinions of their workplaces are more determined by their immediate manager than by the overall company. It was their direct manager – not money, benefits, perks, or a charismatic leader at the top – that was the critical element for people.
* I always find something interesting to read at The Art of Non-Conformity.
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the Feedblitz box near the top right-hand corner of my blog.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my research, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
I feel a bond with writer Amy Ferris because we both had our big happiness realizations while driving—well, she was driving on Route 80, and I was riding the cross-town bus on 79th Street, but that’s the New York City equivalent of driving. You might not expect that sitting in traffic would make fertile ground for an epiphany, but one can strike you wherever you are.
Her new book, Marrying George Clooney: Confessions From a Midlife Crisis, hit the bookshelves today. It’s a humorous but also serious look at all the worries that dogged her during her midlife crisis (a non-sports-car version of a midlife crisis). She’s done a lot of thinking about happiness, so I was very interested to hear what she had to say.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Amy: I chant (I'm a Buddhist) every day, twice a day—for the past 37 years. That makes me happy. Very comforted, connected ... at ease. I also love and treasure my girlfriends, I don't think there is anything better than having great great girlfriends. (And, yes, I have some really wonderful best boy friends.)
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That happiness is not a destination. It's not somewhere I'm going. It's a choice. I choose to be happy—or at least try to—every day.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Yeah. I act impulsively and out of fear, thinking that if I don't do something, say something, fix something RIGHT NOW, this minute, it—whatever IT is—will go away, disappear.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? Or a particular book that has stayed with you?
I read plenty. I read Pema Chödrön often, and I love reminding myself that kindness is so much better than being nice. I try to always always be kind. And I remind myself often that every pain, every struggle, every disappointment and sadness I feel or have felt is so that I can inspire, encourage, and help another person overcome theirs. I feel very strongly about using my life, every bit of it, to help another person awaken to greatness. I hope my book does that. I hope it helps women awaken to their own greatness, power, beauty. I hope it inspires women to fall madly in love with themselves.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity?
Two things: I seek out the biggest greatest best hug and warm kiss from Ken, my husband; and I take a long hot bubble bath. And I read. I read a lot.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
My husband gardens, and that brings him great joy and ease and comfort. He loves gardening and creating gorgeous stone beds, and he teaches me, through his very simple actions, that patience (which I have very little of) is a huge factor in both happiness and being at ease with yourself. And, on the flip side, I hear a lot of people complaining about their lives—what they don't have—which I think always keeps them at arm’s length from feeling true joy.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I was very unhappy during some early years of menopause: hormones raging, career changes, my mom was sick, I was having huge bouts of doubting my self, my faith .... But one day, while driving on Route 80, odd as it may seem, I had what felt like a major epiphany (sitting in traffic can be a good thing, although, truthfully, not my favorite place to be sitting), that I needed to really start trusting my own life, really stop trying to control the outcome of my life, my intentions, and place trust—REAL TRUE TRUST, not the "battering trust" as I call it—in the universe, and in others. To stop being so fearful of "letting go" (which I have to say I often confused with letting go of someone, or something ... rather than letting go of the fear and doubt and worry connected to the desire, the goal, the dream ... )
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
I work on being happy every single day. And sometimes what I do if I'm feeling really blue, instead of retreating and being self-indulgent, I pick up the phone and call someone—a friend, a neighbor, a colleague—who I know is struggling, or going through a tough time, and I offer a shoulder, or a hand, along with a really good book for them to read, or a really good movie for them to see ...
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy, didn’t – or vice versa?
Oh yes, yes, there was this guy—many, many, many years ago—I was so frickin' in love with him, he was so good-looking and sexy and unattainable—and I thought, If only if only IF ONLY he would notice me, ask me out. I was just so crazy nuts about him, and thought, this guy, this guy is it. He's the "it" guy. And then finally he did ask me, and I was, as you can imagine, in frickin' heaven, I tried on every piece of clothing in my closet, and then the date, then the night ... and as I sat there, drinking my Kir Royale, sitting across from my “dream guy,” I thought, "Holy shit, he was so boring, so self-absorbed (not a surprise) with not an ounce of humor in his, oh-so-gorgeous buff body." And I realized in that moment that this was what mediocre looks like and that I could do so much better than this. And then, not long after, I met and married Ken. Who, by the way, has given new definition to the meaning of marrying well.
* It was interesting to talk to Amanda Berlin at Forbes.com for her piece on How to be happy at a rotten job.
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