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We’re all familiar with the idea of “comfort food”—the food that you turn to when you’re feeling sad or stressed to make yourself feel better. Maybe it’s mac and cheese made the way your mother used to make it, or maybe it’s a cupcake from your favorite bakery.
I realized that I have a “comfort food” activity: reading children’s books. I love children’s literature, so I often read children’s books (now that I’ve embraced my love for kid-lit), whatever my mood.
But when I’m feeling overwhelmed, worried, or upset, I find myself turning to children’s books for comfort. These are books that I’ve reread innumerable times, and that I love, and that have that special quality of atmosphere that children’s books have.
My favorite comfort-activity authors are Louisa May Alcott, C.S. Lewis, Frances Hodgson Burnett, Madeleine L’Engle, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Edward Eager, Elizabeth Enright, and Noel Streatfeild. Oh, and E.L. Konigsberg, L. Frank Baum, Judy Blume, Robert O’Brien, Betty MacDonald, and Susan Cooper. And of course J.K. Rowling.
Just thinking about these names gives me a delicious feeling of pleasure and reassurance.
For years, I read children’s books as my comfort activity without quite grasping that I was self-medicating through literature. Now, though, instead of unconsciously wandering over to my kid-lit bookshelves in times of stress, I reach for these books, knowing that they’ll make me feel better. Realizing I have a tool at the ready is itself soothing.
My husband cooks for his comfort activity—often bread. A friend of mine told me he plays with his dog, another friend watches episodes of The Sopranos
, and another friend cleans out the fridge.
To find real comfort in an activity, it can’t be something that makes you feel anxious or guilty, later. That kind of treat doesn't work in the long run. Don’t go shopping or eat ice cream if the good feeling is going to turn bad.
Do you have a "comfort food" activity?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Something that always cheers me—when I can muster the energy to do it—is to tidy up. I find it relaxing to put things away, and the resulting order calms my mind. Chucking junk mail, putting dirty clothes in the hamper, arranging everything to fit in the medicine cabinet … these kinds of activities never fail me. When I'm feeling blue, to take action to make an improvement, no matter how insignificant that improvement may be, is a tonic.
Over the past few years, I’ve thought a lot about the happiness power of clutter-clearing, and I discovered something surprising. Although I would have thought it would be easier to put things away in general areas—the coat closet, any kitchen drawer—it’s actually much more satisfying to return items to a highly specific location.
One of life’s small pleasures is to return something to its proper and precise place; putting the flashlight on the second shelf in the coat closet gives me the archer’s satisfaction of hitting a mark. Have you ever seen those peg boards where people have outlined their tools or their kitchen implements, to show where each thing belongs? (I think Julia Child had one.) That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
Now I strive to have an exact place for everything in my whole apartment (except toys—I just throw Polly Pockets and stuffed animals into whatever box, drawer, or shelf is closest, or else I would never have time to do anything else). Obviously, this system makes it easier to find the things I need, which boosts my happiness, but it also boosts my happiness to have that deep sense of placement.
* A friend set me a link to the blog Inchmark, where Brooke Reynolds has a great idea: Every time one of her children says something funny, she writes it on a piece of paper and puts it in a jar. When she's feeling blue, she reaches into the jar to pull out a quotation. I write those funny things in my one-sentence journal, but putting them in a jar is much more colorful and accessible.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day. This Wednesday: seven tips for making new friends.
Ancient philosophers and scientists agree: Strong social ties are the KEY to happiness. You need close, long-term relationships; you need to be able to confide in others; you need to belong; you need to get and give support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter, you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.”
Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression.
“OK, OK,” you’re thinking, “I get it—but it’s not that easy to make new friends.” Here are some strategies to try, if you’re eager to make friends but are finding it tough:
1. Show up. Just as Woody Allen said, “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” a big part of friendship is showing up. Whenever you have the chance to see other people, take it. Go to the party. Stop by someone’s desk. Make the effort.
Also, the mere exposure effect describes the fact that repeated exposure makes you like someone better—and makes that person like you better, too. You’re much more likely to become friends with someone if you see him or her often. I’ve seen this happen over and over in my life. I’ve become close to unlikely people, just because circumstances put us in constant contact.
2. Join a group. Being part of a natural group, where you have common interests and are brought together automatically, is the easiest way to make friends: Starting a new job, taking a class, having a baby, joining a congregation, or moving to a new neighborhood are great opportunities to join a group. If those situations aren’t an option, try to find a different group to join. Get a dog, for example. Or pursue a hobby more seriously. An added advantage to making friends through a group is that you can strengthen your friendships to several people at once—very helpful if you don't have a lot of free time.
3. Form a group. If you can’t find an existing group to join, start a group based around something that interests you. My children's literature reading groups (yes, now I’ve helped start TWO of these groups—the first one became so large that we had to close it to new members) are among the top joys of my life. Studies show that each common interest between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship and also brings about a 2 percent increase in life satisfaction, but I’m confident that my kid-lit groups have given me a lift in life satisfaction much higher than 2 percent. Movies, wine, cheese, pets, reading Proust, marathon-training, practicing a language, a worthy cause … I know people in all these sorts of groups.
4. Say nice things about other people. It’s a kind way to behave; also, studies show that because of the psychological phenomenon of spontaneous trait transference, people unintentionally transfer to you the traits you ascribe to other people. So if you tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with you. On the other hand, if you say that Pat is hilarious, you’ll be linked to that quality.
5. Set a target. Yes, I realize that this strategy sounds very calculating, but it has really worked for me. When I enter a situation where I meet a new set of people, I set myself the goal of making three new friends. This seems artificial, but somehow, this shift makes me behave differently, it makes me more open to people, it prompts me to make the effort to say more than a perfunctory hello.
6. Make an effort to smile. Big surprise—studies show that the amount of time you smile during a conversation has a direct effect on how friendly you’re perceived to be. In fact, people who can’t smile due to facial paralysis have trouble with relationships.
7. Make friends with friends-of-friends. “Triadic closure” is the term for the fact that people tend to befriend the friends of their friends. So friends-of-friends is an excellent place to start if you’re trying to expand your circle.
* You might enjoy my one-minute Internet movie, The Years Are Short.
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Penelope Trunk is one of the most interesting and provocative writers about career happiness—and happiness in general. (I think it’s almost impossible to untangle these two issues, but Penelope might disagree with me on that.) She wrote a terrific book, Brazen Careerist
; she writes a very popular blog also called Brazen Careerist; and she’s the CEO of BrazenCareerist.com, an online community and consulting firm.
The thing about Penelope is that, yes, she is brazen. She's unusually honest about her views and her experiences (for example, she wrote a lot about going into marriage counseling), and unlike many highly opinionated people, she packs her writing with solid information and backs up her perspective. I always get a lot out of reading her material—I don’t always agree, but I’m always fascinated.
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Penelope: There is nothing simple that I can rely on to make me happier. Yoga always makes me happy, but getting myself to do it is difficult even though I'm always happy I did it. Kissing someone I have a crush on always makes me happy, but finding the crush and orchestrating the kiss is tricky.
I want to tell you that expressing gratitude always makes me happier. I know that research says this is true. But I think we could debate forever how much increase in happiness is so small it's not even worth talking about. I'm not sure. But a kiss with a crush is always worth talking about.
What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't know when you were 18?
My happiness levels in life don't particularly change depending on where I am in life. I have sort of a setpoint. I veer from it in the same way I veer from my regular weight the day after Thanksgiving—I always go back to that setpoint.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Eating bread is what I’m working on right now. I've been off gluten enough to know that it makes a difference in my anxiety levels. I am calmer with no gluten. But bread is so yummy, and also it's the food I turn to if I want to do emotional eating. Over the course of a day I am happier if I don't eat bread, but over the course of a minute—when the bread is in front of me—it's hard to make the right decisions.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've find very helpful?
I tell myself that happiness is not about making good choices or having success; it's about being resilient when we mess up.
If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
I eat bread. And then I have the problem above. If I am really, unhappy I go to bed. Severe unhappiness generally goes away with time.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
I see a lot of bullshit around me. So I am sort of cynical about the discussion of happiness. I am not sure that I think the discussion of "Am I happy?" is productive. I think life is extremely difficult, for everyone, and that in order to get through life we have tricks for ourselves to continue the journey, and happiness is sort of a trick. I don't think there is a lot of happiness in life. There is a lot of hopefulness and interest in how things unfold, and there are spurts of happiness. Sometimes I think that happiness is maybe not the most important part of a well-lived life. But I'm not sure.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy? And why?
Always the same. I have earned $300,000/year in NYC, and I have earned $45,000 a year. And there was no change. I have been married and divorced, and there was no change. I have had lots of friends and very few friends, and no change. I am generally upbeat and optimistic, and I am an optimizer. And nearly none of those things ever changes.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes. By reading the research and watching how it applies to my life. Right now I am consumed with the idea that one of the biggest impacts you can have on happiness levels is going from no sex to having regular sex with a regular partner. Working on that one. Forget daily gratitudes. Those don't impact happiness nearly as much.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn't—or vice versa?
I thought money would make me happy. It didn't. I still think money would make me happy. There is cognitive dissonance, and I think it might be part of our DNA. Here's an irony: That in order to spend days implementing the happiness research, you'd do best to have someone else supporting you financially, so you can focus on happiness. I get stuck on thinking like this. I'm not sure how right it is; I just know that people—most people—are stuck on the money issue, even if they won't admit it.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Yesterday’s New York Times had an article from Bob Morris, "Martha, Oprah … Gwyneth?," about Gwyneth Paltrow’s emergence as a lifestyle guru.
I’m not interested in cooking, so I've paid no attention to Gwyneth Paltrow’s new PBS show with superchef Mario Batali, “Spain … on the Road Again,” but I had checked out her Web site Goop to see whether it had any useful happiness-project information. (I was mystified by the name; the article explained that G.O.O.P. are her initials.)
Goop has attracted a fair bit of mockery, and when asked about that criticism in an interview, Paltrow observed, “People get a hit of energy when they are negative about something.”
I was quite struck by the truth of this statement. I’d never thought about it that way before. Yes, she’s right, people do get a hit of energy when they’re negative about something.
Many of my happiness-project resolutions focus on trying to nudge me to being more positive and less critical: Give positive reviews, don’t talk about my aggravations, leave things unsaid, no gossip, cut people slack, be easy to please, have a heart to be contented, etc.
It turns out that it’s surprisingly difficult to be positive and enthusiastic—it’s tiring. And being critical does supply a jolt of energy. I don’t know why, and it’s unfortunate, but it’s true.
In the end, though, being overly critical doesn’t boost happiness much. Self-image is shaped in large degree by our actions, and somewhere each one of us has a little Jiminy Cricket doing an evaluation: “Spiteful, destructive, unenthuasiastic, querulous …” (On the other hand, I think some people pride themselves on being very critical, and it actually enhances their self-image. Hmmmm ... I need to think about this more.) At the same time, the more negative we are toward others, the more negative they are toward us. Have you noticed that people who are very gossipy and critical are often quite paranoid and defensive? There's a reason for that.
Paltrow’s observation—that being negative gives an energy hit—underscores a key point. When I’m tired, I’m far more likely to do things that drag on my happiness. I eat junk food, I speak too sharply to my family, I skip exercising, I don’t make the effort to help other people—neither strangers nor friends. And I’m more likely to be automatically negative.
I’ve become increasingly convinced about the importance of energy to happiness. When I started my happiness project, my first set of resolutions was aimed at boosting energy (get more sleep, exercise better, etc.—eventually I also largely quit drinking), because I figured I’m better able to keep my resolutions when I have more energy. I don’t need to write a snarky response to someone’s snarky comment on my blog or criticize someone’s parenting decisions or point out my husband’s shortcomings to him or pointlessly trash a book or movie to get that nasty hit of energy.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp,
Or what’s a heaven for?”
—Robert Browning
* New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed.
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One strategy that I find hugely helpful in many aspects of my life is to track my progress. Having some concrete proof of advancement gives me the gold stars I crave, and the accountability of charting my progress—or lack thereof—keeps me diligent.
One key way I track my progress is through my Resolutions Chart. The boxes below each resolution show me where I’m making progress and where I need to work harder.
I’ve found other ways to keep track of progress, too. As I’ve worked on the draft of my Happiness Project book (self-promotion alert: it comes out in January), I kept a pile of all the printouts I’ve made. I work almost exclusively on the computer, but every once in a while I have to read it in a hard copy—somehow, words look so different printed on a page. Keeping a stack of my evolving manuscript was a way to remind myself visually of how far I’ve come since I started.
As the photo here shows, the pile was also fairly unattractive, so after taking this picture I rewarded myself for completing the copy-edited version by tossing the entire stack. Now, in a reversal, the absence of the pile is a different sign of progress.
Keeping track of progress can help deter you from doing things you don’t want to do—for example, snacking mindlessly. In Brian Wansink’s fascinating book Mindless Eating
, he describes an experiment where students were served free chicken wings while they watched the Super Bowl. When the tables were bussed so that people had a clean table in front of them and no evidence to remind them of how much they’d eaten, they ate 28 percent more chicken wings than did the people who had the leftover bones left piled in front of them. A friend applied this strategy herself. She is a big candy fan, and for a week, after she ate candy, she saved the wrapper in her purse. At the end of the week, she was horrified by the number of wrappers she’d accumulated, and she was inspired to cut back on her candy consumption.
Another way to keep track of progress is to keep a one-sentence journal. The thought of keeping a real journal—the kind written in beautiful script in a parchment journal—is daunting, but keeping a journal of one daily sentence is manageable. My one-sentence journal is just general family news, but other people use them to track progress in a specific area: the launch of a new business, brainstorming ideas for a project, tracking training for a marathon.
Have you found any good ways to track your progress? And does it help you achieve your goals and keep your resolutions?
*I love reading the Communicatrix blog. It's full of insight and useful information, and it's funny.
*I'm on Twitter.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for dealing with a happiness emergency.
I originally posted this tips list on the fabulous Zen Habits, but I wanted to put it here as well.
What do you do if you're feeling blue because of the financial crisis? Or if you're just having an extremely lousy day? Here are nine strategies that can boost your mood right now in a happiness emergency. In the next 30 minutes, check off as many of the following items as possible. Each one will lift your spririts, as will the mere fact that you’ve tackled and achieved some concrete goals; by doing so, you boost your feelings of self-efficacy, which can boost happiness.
1. Boost your energy: Stand up and pace while you talk on the phone or, even better, take a brisk 10-minute walk outside. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up, and the activity and sunlight are good for your focus, your mood, and the retention of information. Plus, because of emotional contagion, if you act energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too.
2. Reach out to friends: Make a lunch date or send an e-mail to a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Having warm, close bonds with other people is the key to happiness, so take the time to stay in touch. Perhaps surprisingly, socializing boosts the moods not only of extroverts but also of introverts.
3. Rid yourself of a nagging task: Answer a difficult e-mail, do an errand you’ve been putting off, or call to make that dentist’s appointment. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a big rush of energy and relief.
4. Create a calmer environment: Clear some physical and mental space around yourself by sorting papers, pitching junk, cleaning a closet, stowing supplies, sending out quick e-mail responses, filing, or even just making your piles neater. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizable dent. Try to get in the habit of using the one-minute rule—i.e., never postpone any task that can be completed in less than one minute. And always make your bed in the morning! For most people, outer order contributes to inner peace.
5. Lay the groundwork for some future fun: Order a book you’ve been wanting to read (important: not something you think you should read) or plan an excursion to a museum, hiking trail, sporting event, gardening store, movie theater—whatever sounds like fun. Studies show that having fun on a regular basis is a pillar of happiness, and anticipation is an important part of that pleasure. Try to involve friends or family, as well; research shows that people enjoy almost all activities more when they’re with other people than when they’re alone.
6. Do a good deed: Make an e-mail introduction of two people who could help each other. Or set up a blind date. Or shoot someone a piece of useful information or gratifying praise. Do good, feel good—this really works. Also, although we often believe that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. When you act in a friendly way, you’ll strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people. Along the same lines ...
7. Act happy: Put a smile on your face right now. Research shows that even a fake smile has a positive influence on your emotions—turns out that just going through the motion of happiness brightens your mood. In the same way, a recent experiment suggested that people who use Botox might be less prone to anger, because they can't make angry faces. If you’re smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.
8. Count your blessings. Take 10 minutes to think about all the things in your life that are going right, about all the things that other people do to help you, about all the things that you’re thankful for. In the tumult of everyday life, it’s very easy to focus on the negative and to lose sight of what really matters.
9. Perform an action that reflects your values. Do you think organ donation is a good idea? Sign up online to be one yourself; it takes less than a minute. Worried about climate change? Refill your water bottle from the tap instead of buying a couple of bottles throughout the day. The First Splendid Truth holds that to work on happiness, we should think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth. Living up to your values will help you “feel right.”
Some people worry that wanting to be happier is a selfish goal. To the contrary. Studies show that happier people are more sociable, likable, healthy, and productive—and they’re more inclined to help other people. So in working to boost your own happiness, you’re benefiting others as well.
Feel happier yet? Have you found any other effective strategies to give yourself a quick jolt of emergency happiness?
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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A concept that comes up all the time in the study of happiness is mindfulness. I’m not a very mindful person (are you? here’s a quiz), and I’m always looking for ways to cultivate greater mindfulness. Except meditation—I just cannot get myself to try meditation. I know, I know, I should.
But even though meditation holds no attraction for me, I’ve found other ways to cultivate mindfulness. For one thing, I’ve been trying to make myself more aware of the very small pleasures scattered throughout my days. Instead of absent-mindedly noticing the smell of hyacinths, for instance, I want to take a moment to properly appreciate it.
I identified a small but real pleasure yesterday. I noticed how much I love to look up and down the long avenues in my neighborhood. I love seeing the buildings rising up on both sides, the long lines of red, green, and white lights, the patterns of people and signs. Now, reveling in this pleasure is slightly dangerous, because it means I’m standing in the middle of the street—so it’s a fleeting pleasure that can last only as long as a red light. But having registered this pleasure, I’m going to try to enjoy it every time I cross an avenue.
Keying into these tiny pleasures gives you a lift even on a happy day. And being in the habit of noticing them can also act as a buffer when you’re feeling blue or angry. One concrete cause of unhappiness is rumination. Studies show that by dwelling on irritating feelings and episodes, you amplify their power in your mind. Taking a moment to distract yourself from bad feelings can help alleviate them.
Samuel Johnson observed, "It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible." The pleasure of looking south down Third Avenue is little, but it’s real.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Three of my favorite happiness-project resolutions are: Take time for projects, be a treasure house of happy memories, and “appreciate the seasons and this time of life.”
A great way to combine all three of these resolutions is to observe family traditions, and as one new tradition (oxymoron?), I’ve started planning holiday breakfasts. I copied this idea from a friend after I saw how she’d set the table for her Valentine’s Day breakfast last year, and I’ve been doing it for holidays ever since.
For birthdays, I have a special cupcake plate, a special candle, and a big banner. For Halloween, I have special plates, special pumpkin candles, and those window-gel decorations that stick on windows and mirrors, and I dyed the peanut butter black. (My daughters eat peanut butter on toast for breakfast.) Etc.
This weekend marked my first Valentine’s breakfast. I put out special placemats and heart-shaped plates, cut the toast into heart shapes and dyed the peanut-butter red, put heart decorations on the window, scattered a few Sweethearts candies around the table, and gave each girl a pack of Valentine’s Day-themed stickers.
Now, like most traditions, this was a bit of a pain. I had to make sure I had some decorations. (Next year, I’ll just reuse what I bought this year.) I had to wait until the girls went to sleep to set the table—at a time when I felt like collapsing myself. I had to premix the peanut butter the night before.
But the preparations weren’t very onerous, and it was a lot of fun the next morning. One of the nice things about kids is that it doesn’t take much for them to feel like something is “special,” so even a simple tradition is very gratifying.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d try to find some other way to celebrate the holidays. These kinds of traditions mark the passage of time in a pleasant way and add a note of festivity to everyday life.
Also, the major holidays can become a lot of work. It’s nice to celebrate in a very manageable way.
* On the subject of Sweethearts candy, Reader’s Digest compiled a list of the last 10 years' worth of sayings. Who knew they ever changed?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.”—Charles Kingsley
* Adam Gilbert at My Body Tutor has a great happiness-project story: He left a safe job to follow an entrepreneurial dream. His company helps people devise and stick to fitness plans. I'm always interested in the question of how we can help ourselves keep our resolutions—that's the tricky part.
* If you've never seen my one-minute Internet movie, "The Years Are Short," you might like to check it out.
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Because of the big boost in happiness I’ve gained from my happiness project, one of my main goals in life is to try to persuade other people to do happiness projects of their own. I’ve become a real happiness evangelist (at times, I suspect, a tiresome evangelist), and I’m always trying to think of new ways to coax people into trying various strategies.
People often e-mail me to let me know that they’ve decided to start their own happiness projects; in fact, there are many blogs chronicling people’s progress.
What do I do to help other people with their happiness projects? Every Friday, I post a resolution that I’ve tried and found helpful, for other people to consider: Make Your Bed, Don't Perform Random Acts of Kindness, Enter Into the Spirit of the Season, Abandon Your Self-Control.
I also e-mail my Resolutions Chart to anyone who wants to see my resolutions for inspiration as they devise their own. (Just e-mail me at grubin “at” symbol gretchenrubin dot com. Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.)
In a month or so, I’m going to do the beta-launch of my fabulous new Web site of eight happiness-project tools, called (straightforwardly enough), the Happiness Project Toolbox. More on that in future weeks.
But what else could I be doing? Although Friday is usually the day I propose a resolution, today instead I’m following one of my most useful resolutions, to “ask for help.”
Help me by telling me: How could I do a better job of encouraging other people with their happiness projects? For instance, nudge them to start a project; propose ideas for strategies to try; inspire them to stay motivated; connect like-minded people with each other.
I’m going to post this question from time to time. I’d love to hear any ideas, and at this point, I’d be particularly interested to hear suggestions about how to use Facebook effectively. I have friends on Facebook, and there’s a Happiness Project Group (that’s how I met my lovely blogland friend Jackie Danicki; she suggested that I set it up), and there’s a Gretchen Rubin Page.
I don’t have a good sense of how best to harness these tools, however. I love Facebook, but I use it in an extremely basic way.
If you’re a Facebook user, what would be useful for you? What would you like to see happening there?
Feel free to post a comment below, or if you’d prefer, e-mail me directly at grubin “at” symbol gretchenrubin dot com. Any ideas appreciated.
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You know those unpleasant marital tasks that one of you has to do—and the question is who’s going to do it? Yesterday, my husband and I had one of those chores, and he had agreed to do it. Then at the last minute, he backed out because he had a work conflict—a legitimate conflict, but one he would’ve known about, if he’d been paying attention.
I was very annoyed.
But instead of following his likely first instincts, my husband deployed some of the strategies that get recommended for such situations. He said, “I know, I really screwed up here.” He said, “I know it would be a huge pain for you to have to deal with this now.” He said, “What would happen if we just bailed? Can we do it another time? Can I show up late?” After some discussion, I said I’d do it, and later he sent me an e-mail that said, “Thank you, honey.”
And you know what? It really did help.
* I talked to Kimberly Palmer at U.S. News & World Report about her "5 Ways to Be Happy in a Recession." Interesting topic!
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for getting a little kid to take no for an answer.
My 3-year-old hates being told “No” and “Don’t,” and she’s also one of those kids who immediately does exactly what you ask her not to do, so I’ve had to develop some strategies to get the “no” message across without unleashing the very behavior I want to stop. These kinds of minor but extremely aggravating struggles can be a major happiness challenge.
I realized that although she doesn’t want to hear “no,” my daughter responds very well to certain kinds of explanations. While “It’s not healthy,” “We don’t have time,” and “I don’t want to buy that” don’t work very well, other justifications are more effective. Once I've said no, I try to turn her attention to something more interesting. Here are some of the most helpful strategies:
1. “It’s for safety.” For some reason, my daughter wisely accepts safety as an absolute directive, so I invoke it whenever possible. For example, I characterized the “no slamming doors” rule as a safety rule, not a noise/behavior rule. “When people slam doors, eventually, people get their fingers smashed. So for safety, no slamming doors.”
2. “That’s just for decoration.” We can walk into a store crammed with treats or gimcracks, and when she asks if she can get something, I just say sadly, “They’re just for decoration; they’re not for sale.” She never questions this!
3. “The doctor says …” Invoking the authority of a doctor, dentist, teacher, or grandparent often makes a message acceptable. “The Yellow Room teachers say children must wear mittens to schools, not gloves.” “I know you don’t feel like brushing your teeth, but Dr. Smith says it’s very important to brush every night.” I’m not above pretending to send an e-mail to get a particular answer.
4. “I know you know.” My daughter hates being told “Don’t,” and she loves to show that she’s a big girl. So I often say things like, “I know you know this, but other children don’t know that you shouldn’t tap on the glass of a fish tank. They don’t know that the noise bothers the fish. Fortunately for the fish, you already know that.”
5. “The sign says …” Like most children who can’t yet read, my daughter is extremely impressed by the power of the written word. She will obey any sign. And because she can’t read, a sign can say anything that I want it to say.
Looking at the list, I’m struck by how devious and manipulative I sound. Oh well. I’m using my powers for good.
Have you found any good strategies for getting a little kid to take no for an answer?
*I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “newsletter” in the subject line.
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Yesterday, as I was reading Bob Sutton’s work manifesto, I was struck by his no. 9: “The best test of a person's character is how he or she treats those with less power.” I love this way of thinking about character, and that statement got me thinking: What else is a test of a person’s true nature? Well, what a person finds funny is a good test. I asked a bunch of friends for their ideas.
- “How a person treats a waiter.”
- “Whether a person plays by the rules when no one is watching.”
- “How people behave when they’re pulled over while driving.”
- “How a person treats his or her own parents. And in-laws.”
- “My father told me never to trust a man who doesn’t drink—though he did say there are a few medical exceptions.” (Maybe I'm off the hook here as a woman, but I basically had to give up drinking, so I'd fail this test.)
- “How often they use the bcc function in work emails. I don’t think you should ever use the bcc.”
- “Whether a person eats a piece of chocolate cake at a birthday party.” (As an unconventional eater myself, I'd fail this test; I wouldn’t eat that birthday cake.)
- “How he or she handles good fortune.”
- “How he or she behaves during a long, arduous trip.”
- “It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain.”—John Henry Newman.
I get a tremendous kick out of collecting these kinds of observations. If you have one to add, please post it.
* Journalist Carlin Flora at Psychology Today wrote a big piece on happiness, Happiness Makeovers, and she was kind enough to include a profile of me.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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For a long time, I’ve been meaning to write a Happiness Manifesto—a short statement that sums up what I think are the most important principles about happiness.
I love other manifestos I’ve seen. One of my favorites is Bob Sutton’s “Fifteen Things I Believe,” on his fantastic Work Matters blog:
1. Sometimes the best management is no management at all—first do no harm!
2. Indifference is as important as passion.
3. In organizational life, you can have influence over others or you can have freedom from others, but you can't have both at the same time.
4. Saying smart things and giving smart answers are important. Learning to listen to others and to ask smart questions is more important.
5. Learn how to fight as if you are right and listen as if you are wrong: It helps you develop strong opinions that are weakly held.
6. You get what you expect from people. This is especially true when it comes to selfish behavior; unvarnished self-interest is a learned social norm, not an unwavering feature of human behavior.
7. Getting a little power can turn you into an insensitive self-centered jerk.
8. Avoid pompous jerks whenever possible. They not only can make you feel bad about yourself, chances are that you will eventually start acting like them.
9. The best test of a person's character is how he or she treats those with less power.
10. The best single question for testing an organization’s character is: What happens when people make mistakes?
11. The best people and organizations have the attitude of wisdom: The courage to act on what they know right now and the humility to change course when they find better evidence.
12. The quest for management magic and breakthrough ideas is overrated; being a master of the obvious is underrated.
13. Err on the side of optimism and positive energy in all things.
14. It is good to ask yourself, do I have enough? Do you really need more money, power, prestige, or stuff?
15. Jim Maloney is right: Work is an overrated activity.
Another interesting variation on a manifesto is on Madame X’s My Open Wallet. On this blog, where an anonymous New Yorker “tells the world how much she saves, earns, and spends,” she lists “My Rules” in the right-hand column. Here are the first four of her 19 rules:
Rule 1. Credit card use
-Use a credit card for every expense you can possibly charge.
-Use a card that gives you frequent flyer miles or some other benefit that you'll actually take advantage of.
-Only charge as much as you can pay off in full every month—don't carry a balance.
Rule 2. Online access
-Use online access for all your banking, investment and credit card accounts
Rule 3. Found money
-If you find money on the street, don't be ashamed to pick it up!
Rule 4. Shopping
-Don’t!
Another intriguing manifesto is the Manifesto of Style over at Carrie and Danielle. (Danielle is now blogging at White Hot Truth.)
1. Communicate who you are in all you do.
2. Style is multidimensional.
3. Style matters.
4. Authenticity is energizing, economical, and efficient.
5. Accentuate the positive.
6. People are like snowflakes—uniquely beautiful because of the details.
7. Pay attention to what attracts you.
8. Working from the outside in can create deep transformation.
9. Feel free to change.
10. True style is not dependent on wealth, and wealth does not necessarily create taste.
11. Cheap is expensive in the long run.
12. Use your best every day.
13. Choose from your heart, and your life will fill up with things you love.
14. Beauty transforms.
15. It’s always a good time to be yourself.
16. Only love is free—everything else costs.
17. Creativity + restraint = beauty.
18.Contrast makes things interesting.
19. Living is sensual.
20. Make more choices—moment to moment, day to day.
One reason I love manifestos is that it’s fun to decide where I disagree (for example, in the Style Manifesto, I disagree with no. 1!) or where I see an idea of my own, expressed differently (this manifesto’s no. 12 is related to my own Seventh Commandment, Spend Out, and its no. 7 is related to one of my Secrets of Adulthood, “You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.)
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been working on my own manifesto. I don’t think I have it quite right, but it’s getting there. What important ideas have I left out? Could anything be phrased more felicitously? I welcome any suggestions. Also, I’d love to read other manifestos. Please post links to any good ones.
Here is my Happiness Manifesto:
• To be happy, you need to consider feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, and an atmosphere of growth.
• One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
• The days are long, but the years are short.
• You’re not happy unless you think you’re happy.
• Your body matters.
• Happiness is other people.
• Think about yourself so you can forget yourself.
• “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.”—G.K. Chesterton
• What’s fun for other people may not be fun for you, and vice versa.
• Best is good, better is best.
• Outer order contributes to inner calm.
• Happiness comes not from having more, not from having less, but from wanting what you have.
• You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.
• You manage what you measure.
• “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.”—Robert Louis Stevenson
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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"Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it."—William James
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
Sometimes, by coincidence, several people mention the same happiness-boosting idea around the same time, so it hits me with particular force.
A wonderful doctor is a tremendous source of comfort and reassurance; over the last few weeks, four friends have mentioned to me how much happier they were after they switched doctors. In every case, they were seeing a doctor who didn’t appreciate the amount of pain they were in and who dismissed their efforts to try to explain the problem or find some solution.
One OB/GYN said something like “Women have babies every day. You just had a baby. So you’re in pain—get over yourself.” Turns out my friend had a broken pelvis! Another friend kept explaining to a doctor that his advice wasn’t yielding any results in her case. He implied that she wasn’t being diligent about following instructions. When she switched, the new doctor put her on a medication that cleared up the problem immediately. Etc.
Given the importance of trusting and respecting your doctor, why is it so hard to make a change? I myself find it practically impossible to prod myself to switch, once I have had even one appointment with a doctor.
First, we need to believe that the doctor is smart and correct. Switching away from a doctor signals that we no longer trust his or her judgment, and that’s scary, especially if there’s some particular cause for concern.
Second, what with the records and charts and everything, it’s confusing to know HOW to switch.
Third, inertia is so powerful. Switching means finding a better doctor, which means doing research, questioning your judgment, tracking down information, figuring out who takes your insurance, where the office is located, and so on.
However, when my 9-year-old was a baby, I switched to a different pediatrician in a flash. My maternal instinct swamped my usual reluctance to make a change, and once I decided that I didn’t like the doctor, I had no trouble telling his office that we were going elsewhere. Maybe a way to coax yourself into switching doctors is to think of yourself in the third person, or to imagine how you’d act if a member of your family were receiving the treatment you’ve been getting.
(As a side note, I use this trick frequently: If I’m not sure about my reaction to some event, I imagine someone describing the situation to me as if it happened to a stranger. That often clarifies my view. Along the same lines, I remember reading somewhere that writer Anne Lamott thinks about herself in the third person, to take better care of herself: “I’m sorry, Anne Lamott can’t accept that invitation to speak; she’s finishing a book so needs to keep her schedule clear.”)
Remember, too, that you’re helping other patients when you switch away from a bad doctor, because your switch demonstrates to a doctor that his or her treatment was unacceptable. I heard a lecture by a child-education specialist who said, “The only way that teachers know they’re assigning too much homework is when the most diligent kids can’t complete it. If you let your child stay up until 2 a.m. to finish, you’re not helping.” Same thing with a doctor.
Of course, tougher than making a switch from a bad doctor is having no choice about what doctor you see or having no doctor at all. It’s good to remember that.
* Have I mentioned lately how much I love Unclutterer?
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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One of my favorite people with whom to discuss happiness is Michael Melcher. Michael is a career coach who has an incredible breadth of personal experience from which to draw: While in college, under the name Jane Harvard, he wrote a novel with three friends, The Student Body
; he has a JD/MBA from Stanford and has worked as a lawyer; he served in Calcutta, India, and Taipei, Taiwan, in the Foreign Service; he has a blog with a lot of great material, at the Creative Lawyer.
One of his most recent accomplishments is the publication of the book The Creative Lawyer
. It's described as "a practical guide to authentic professional satisfaction" and is aimed at helping lawyers be happier in their work. For my happiness project, I’ve read a lot of books about career satisfaction, and this is absolutely one of the best (and I’m not just saying that because Michael is a friend!). In fact, I think that the book isn’t helpful for lawyers only but for anyone who is thinking about ways to be happier at work.
Michael has not only done a lot of thinking about happiness, he's also done a lot of thinking about what practical changes actually can help boost career happiness.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Michael: Giving someone directions on the subway or helping them carry a bag up a flight of subterranean stairs makes me almost bizarrely happy.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18?
Whatever issues you have at 18 related to self-acceptance, moodiness, need for validation, and desire to be special (to name a few) will most likely still be present when you are 30, 40, or 50. They probably will never go away. But you can learn ways to manage them. So I guess I would say that a big part of happiness is recognizing who you actually are and finding ways to bring out the best in that person and manage the less wonderful parts.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Comparing myself with others is something that I do consistently, and it is always an impediment to happiness. See my answer to question no. 2 above.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Every single time I exercise, I feel better. Even though I know this, it does take some effort to get myself out the door. I have also discovered over the years that eating quality, healthful food has a huge impact on my overall happiness, especially if I cook it myself. One happiness learning is that the physical and emotional components of happiness are completely intertwined.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to or detracts a lot from their happiness?
People confuse “I can’t” with “I won’t.” I see this especially in my line of work, which involves working with people to take action to improve their careers and lives. It’s so automatic for people to say they can’t do things: They can’t move, they can’t get by on less money, they can’t send their kids to public schools, they can’t find a good partner, they can’t pursue their passions. In most cases the truth is that they can, but don’t want to accept the consequences of those choices. It’s fine to choose to do or not to do things, so long as we acknowledge that we are choosing. But when people speak in a way that eliminates agency over their lives, they end up frustrating, angering, and depressing themselves. And they seem inauthentic to others. This is why we never want to listen to someone complain about all the things they can’t do in life.
Aside from raising children, our careers are usually the most direct creative expression we have. Yet most people I know live in a state of uncertainty and anxiety about their careers. The old paradigms don’t work, but we don’t have any new ones to replace them. There’s a kind of pressure to stand for finer things, but one’s own creative expression in the world is one of life’s important things. Bright, conscientious people today are incredibly frustrated because they aren’t sure how to go along this unknown path, feel embarrassed that they’re making a big deal about it, and are also terrified that they’ll get things wrong.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why?
At my current point in life, I feel closer to who I was as a little boy than I felt for much of my life. I was a creative, positive, curious kid, but at a certain point I fell into a preprofessional kind of track that was not very satisfying to me. It took me a long time to unlearn that.
I think that I have always had a rich range of feelings—I have a lot of zest for life but at the same time have a lot of feelings that can go negative. For instance, I can’t watch nature shows or anything that shows animals or fish or birds being hurt or killed. Nature actually kind of freaks me out. I love it, but it is so Hobbesian. So I guess for me a full life includes both happy and dark moments, feelings of great satisfaction along with unquenchable yearnings.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
All the time. I am like that character in Jonathan Franzen’s novel The Corrections
who is constantly monitoring his serotonin level and wondering which factors are leading to which results.
Having followed your blog for some time (and having read your awesome manuscript) [thanks, Michael!], I think that you are really onto something: creating and following a set of specific habits is probably the best thing we can do to keep happiness alive in our lives.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn’t—or vice versa?
I’m surprised that selling makes me happy.
* A thoughtful reader e-mailed me the link to a fabulous post, Abstract City, by Christoph Niemann. Anyone can enjoy these, but they are particularly charming when you live in New York City.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips to avoid overspending.
One source of unhappiness for people is feeling out of control of their spending—and this is a problem that’s far more widespread now than it was a year ago. Feeling regret about having bought something is a very unpleasant sort of unhappiness. Being an underbuyer, as opposed to an overbuyer, I don’t generally have much trouble avoiding overspending. I have more trouble prodding myself to buy things I actually need.
Nevertheless, even with my underbuying ways, I sometimes come home with something I didn’t really need. Stores use extremely clever strategies to hoodwink customers into making purchases. Here are some strategies to make sure you don’t make purchases you regret:
1. Be wary of the checkout areas. There are lots of enticing little items here; ask yourself if you really need something before you add it to your pile. How many times have I picked up a jar of Balmex?
2. Get in and get out. The more time you spend in a store, the more you’re likely to buy. Even better: Don’t even go in the store. Then you definitely won’t buy.
3. Question the need for an upgrade. You might want that device with a slick new function or an improved version of what you have now, but do you really need it?
4. Be polite to salespeople but don’t feel like they’re your new best friends. Don’t buy something because you worry about hurting their feelings or feel guilty that you made them do a lot of work helping you or explaining products to you. (At the same time, be respectful of clerks’ efforts. The other day, I was in Gap Kids, and I saw someone rifle through a pile of beautifully stacked shirts in a way that would require them to be refolded. Was he malicious or just oblivious? I couldn’t tell.)
5. Don’t shop when you’re in a hurry or when you’re hungry.
6. Stick to a list. I’ve found that after I’ve decided to buy one thing, I’m far more likely to throw in other impulse items because I know that I’ve committed to going through the hassle of paying.
7. Beware of sale items, which make you feel like you can’t afford not to buy, or limited-time offers, which make you feel like you have to take advantage of a special deal. If you don’t need or want something, it’s not a good deal, not matter how cheap it is. A friend of mine told her husband, “I got this 50 percent off!,” and he answered, “That means it was 50 percent ON.” Along the same lines …
8. Don’t buy anything that you don’t know you need. This is especially important with clothes. If you’re not careful, you can buy a pair of pants marked down 75 percent, then realize that you can’t really wear them unless you buy the right shoes to go with them.
9. Pay with cash or credit card, whichever is least comfortable. Some people find it far harder to spend physical cash; other people find that paying with cash makes a purchase seem trivial, even when the dollar amount is high. Know whether you’re more inclined to overspend with cash or credit cards—and leave that payment method at home.
Have you found any great strategies to prevent overspending?
* I discovered a terrific new site for working mothers, The Mama Bee. Great material, helpful information, and beautifully written.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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As someone who writes about happiness, I’m often challenged to answer these three questions:
1. How do I define happiness, anyway?
2. Instead of happiness, which is fleeting/deceptive/egotistical/illusory, isn’t the real goal to achieve joy/contentment/satisfaction/peace/self-realization or [fill in the blank]?
3. How can we agree on what it means to achieve these states? What I mean by happiness might not be what you mean by happiness? It's all subjective. You say happiness is a warm puppy; I say happiness is living alone in a cabin at Walden Pond; etc.
In law school, we spent an entire semester discussing the meaning of contract, and I know all too well how a term can elude you as you try to define it. For the purposes of my happiness project, I decided not to worry about definitions too much. In scholarship, there’s merit in defining terms precisely, and one positive psychology study identified 15 different academic definitions of happiness. But when it came to my project, spending a lot of energy exploring the distinctions among contentment, positive affect, subjective well-being, hedonic tone, and myriad other terms didn’t seem necessary. I decided instead to follow the hallowed tradition set by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who defined obscenity by saying, “I know it when I see it.”
I think it’s enough to think about being “happier.” Even if we don’t agree about what it means to be happy, we can agree that whatever happiness means, it would be nice to be happier. I think the looseness of the term happiness is actually helpful; it’s a concept large enough to embrace many different perspectives.
I suspect that one reason that people try to avoid using the word happiness is that happiness has a bad reputation. It’s often associated with superficiality, self-absorption, narcissism, and pleasure-seeking (as in Woody Allen’s movie Annie Hall
, when Alvy asks a happy couple how they account for their happiness, and the woman answers, “I am very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say,” and the man agrees, “I’m exactly the same way.”)
In fact, however, studies show that happiness doesn’t make people complacent or self-centered. Rather, happier people are more likely to volunteer, to give away money, to persist in problem-solving, to help others, and to be friendly.
One study showed that, all over the world, when asked what they want most from life—and what they most want for their children—people answered that they want happiness. I know when I feel happy. Trying to be happier—that’s good enough for me, without a precise definition.
* Whoops, several readers kindly let me know that I posted a bad link to The Glow Movie the other day. Sorry about that!
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Today, Feb. 2, is Groundhog Day. My associations with this quasi-holiday are less about a groundhog’s prediction about the beginning of spring and more about the movie Groundhog Day
.
In the movie, Phil Connors (played by Bill Murray) is a cranky, cynical weatherman who, while on assignment covering the annual Groundhog Day Festival, finds himself reliving the same day, over and over again.
(Which reminds me of a scene from another movie: In Woody Allen’s Hannah and Her Sisters
, when Mickey reflects, “Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said the life we live, we'll live over and over, the same way for eternity. Great. I'll have to sit through the Ice-Capades again.”)
Noticing that Groundhog Day was approaching prompted me to reflect: “If I had to relive one day over and over, what would I want to do with it?” I’m such a lover of routine and familiarity that my perfect day wouldn’t be made up of anything very dramatic or exotic. Just reading in bed, for example, would take up several hours.
I asked some friends what they’d do during their perfect days, and the striking thing was how attainable these perfect days were. Several people distinguished between “a perfect day at home” and “a perfect day while traveling,” and one friend’s perfect “home” day was a Saturday morning trip to the green market, an afternoon trip to Whole Foods, a few hours spent cooking something challenging, and friends over for dinner. That isn’t an impossible dream! But when I asked how often she spent a day this way, she said, “I don’t know why not, exactly, but I can’t remember the last time I spent a day like that.”
So Groundhog Day makes a good yearly spur to ask: “What would my perfect day be?” It might be easier than you think to arrange.
* A family friend wrote a very moving tribute to his wife, a year after she died of cancer.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.