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Every Saturday I post a happiness quotation.
“It is difficult to bring people to goodness with lessons, but it is easy to do so by example.”—Seneca
* Interested in starting a happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, email me at grubin, the “at” sign, gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.)
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
A few days ago, I observed that it’s often easier for me to do something every day than to do it just some days. I post to my blog six days a week. I take notes every day. I write in my one-sentence journal every day. Many people have told me that they find it easier to exercise when they exercise every day. If I try to do something just four days a week, I spend a lot of time arguing with myself about whether today is the day, or is it tomorrow, or the next day; did the week start on Sunday or Monday; etc.
If you do something every day, you tend to fall into a routine. Routine has a bad reputation. It’s true that novelty and challenge bring happiness and that people who break their routines, try new things, and go new places are happier, but I think that some routine activities also bring happiness. The pleasure of doing the same thing, in the same way, every day, shouldn’t be overlooked. By reframing, you can find happiness in activities like doing dishes or sweeping the floor as well as in your beloved morning coffee-and-news ritual.
The things you do every day take on a certain beauty and provide a kind of invisible architecture to daily life.
Two geniuses whom I associate with the idea of the unconventional wrote about the power of doing something every day. Andy Warhol wrote, “Either once only, or every day. If you do something once it’s exciting, and if you do it every day it’s exciting. But if you do it, say, twice or just almost every day, it’s not good any more.” Gertrude Stein made a related point: “Anything one does every day is important and imposing and anywhere one lives is interesting and beautiful.”
So if there’s something that you wish you did more regularly, try doing it every day; if you do something every day, revel in it.
* This morning, a friend sent me the link to The Glow Project—about a movie featuring engaging insights and interviews with 14 prominent women about overcoming difficulties and finding happiness. I just watched the entire trailer.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.
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Younger people don't say this, but I’ve heard several people in an older age bracket make a common argument recently: Facebook isn’t good for people’s happiness. “Instead of making plans and meeting face to face and doing things," one guy told me, “everyone’s typing away in front of a screen, alone—and it consumes so much time. It’s terrible for human relationships.”
I disagree. True, meeting face to face is more energizing and more fun and strengthens ties better. But not using Facebook because it isn’t as good as meeting in person is an example of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.
In my own experience, Facebook allows me to manage ties to a much larger group of people than I could possibly manage in a more direct way. It makes it practical to keep track of people through many changes of e-mail address, mailing address, etc. It gives me a quick way to reach out to friends and also a low-key way to connect with people whom I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling or even e-mailing. And I'm sure not going to write a letter!
Perfect example: This morning I had coffee with a friend, “Jane,” whom I hadn’t seen in many years. We met when, a year after college, I moved to San Francisco for 10 months and lived with my college roommate, who was dating a guy who had a bunch of friends from college, including Jane—we all spent a lot of time together.
After I left San Francisco, I moved to New Haven, then to New York City, then to Washington, D.C., then back to New York. Jane moved from San Francisco to Cambridge, then to New York City, then to Kampala, then to Boston, then to Nairobi, then back to New York City.
I always liked Jane a lot, but she wasn’t one of my closest friends, and I lost track of her. (As she told me, "You lose five people with every move.") Recently she found me on Facebook, and we reconnected—tremendously fun and big happiness booster. It turns out we live 13 blocks from each other!
Happiness experts, from ancient philosophers to contemporary researchers, agree that the key to happiness is strong ties to other people. We need need close, long-term relationships, we need to be able to confide in others, we need to belong, we need to give and receive support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter, you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.” If a midlife crisis hits, one of the most common complaints is the lack of true friends.
Anything that helps you hang onto your friends is going to make you happier.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day or Quiz Day.
Quiz: Are You a Moderator or an Abstainer?
Often, we know we’d have more long-term happiness if we gave up something that gives us a rush of satisfaction in the short-term: that morning doughnut, that impulse purchase, staying up too late watching TV.
A piece of advice I often see is “Be moderate. Don’t have ice cream every night, but if you try to deny yourself altogether, you’ll fall off the wagon. Allow yourself to have the occasional treat—it will help you stick to your plan.”
I’ve come to believe that this is good advice for some people: the moderators. They do better when they try to make moderate changes, when they avoid absolutes and bright lines.
For a long time, I kept trying this strategy of moderation—and failing. Then I read a line from Samuel Johnson: “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.” Like Dr. Johnson, I’m an abstainer.
I find it far easier to give something up altogether than to indulge moderately. When I admitted to myself that I was eating Tasti D-Lite, my favorite frozen “fake food” treat, two and even three times a day, I gave it up cold turkey. That was far easier for me to do than to eat Tasti D-Lite twice a week. If I try to be moderate, I exhaust myself debating, “Today, tomorrow?," "Does this time ‘count'?,” etc. If I never do something, it requires no self-control for me; if I do something sometimes, it requires enormous self-control.
There’s no right or wrong way—it’s just a matter of knowing which strategy works better for you. If moderators try to abstain, they feel trapped and rebellious. If abstainers try to be moderate, they spend a lot of time justifying why they should go ahead and indulge.
People can be surprisingly judgmental about the approach you take. As an abstainer, I often get disapproving comments like “It’s not healthy to take such a severe approach” or “It would be better to learn how to manage yourself” or “Can’t you let yourself have a little fun?” On the other hand, I hear fellow abstainer types saying to moderators, “You can’t keep cheating and expect to make progress” or “Why don’t you just go cold turkey?” So different approaches work for different people. (Exception: With an actual addiction, like alcohol or cigarettes, people generally accept that abstaining is the only solution.)
You’re a moderator if you
- find that occasional indulgence heightens your pleasure—and strengthens your resolve;
- get panicky at the thought of “never” getting or doing something.
You’re an abstainer if you
- have trouble stopping something once you’ve started;
- aren’t tempted by things that you’ve decided are off-limits.
On the other hand, sometimes instead of trying to give something up, we’re trying to push ourselves to embrace something. Go to the gym, eat vegetables, work on a disagreeable project.
Perhaps this is the flip side of being an abstainer, but I’ve found that if I’m trying to make myself do something, I do better if I do that thing every day. When people ask me advice about keeping a blog, one of my recommendations is “Post every day, or six days a week.” Weirdly, it’s easier to write a blog every day than it is to write it three or four times a week. I don’t know how moderators feel about this. Moderators—what do you think? Is it easier to go for a half-hour walk every day or four times a week, for you?
* Mike Vardy of the blog Effing the Dog was nice enough to do an interview with me. I don't think I kept up my end of the comedy, but it was fun to do.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
I’m a longtime fan of Leo Babauta’s wildly popular blog, Zen Habits. I always find a lot of thought-provoking material there about happiness and its related topics (exercise, creativity, relationships, productivity). Leo also just came out with a terrific book, The Power of Less, about "the fine art of limiting yourself to the essential"—it hit the Amazon best-seller list on the day of its release. His Web site, The Power of Less, has a lot of great material on the topic.
Leo lives on the island of Guam, has six children, runs marathons, and has done a lot of provocative thinking and writing about happiness.
Gretchen: What's a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Leo: Anything! I love reading, running, writing, spending time with my family, watching the ocean, taking a walk in nature, playing games and sports, drinking green tea, lounging around on a lazy Sunday afternoon, cuddling when it's rainy outside, talking with a good friend, wrestling with my toddlers. Any moment is an opportunity for happiness!
What's something you know now about happiness that you didn't when you were 18?
That happiness isn't something that will come at a later date in life—it can be here and now. I was always waiting for something—a better job, getting married, a nicer car, buying a house, traveling the world, retirement, wealth and fame. Trouble is, whenever you reach one of those things you're waiting for, you tend to start striving for the next thing, and you forget to be happy!
So I've learned, only recently, that I don't have to wait or strive for anything in order to be happy. I can be happy right now, and I am. Read my recent post on this.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Thinking about the future or the past—worrying, replaying conversations in my head, stressing out about things that aren't happening right now. Lately I've learned to focus on the moment more and more—to be present more than ever before. It's really a miracle cure for unhappiness, stress, worry, depression, and everything else.
Thinking about the past and future is the cause of all unhappiness.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you've find very helpful?
"Smile, breathe, and go slowly."—Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Zen monk, author and peace activist.
I absolutely adore that quote, as my readers know. It's applicable in any situation—when you're stressed at the office, stuck in traffic, doing chores, or even running a marathon—it was my mantra when I ran the Honolulu Marathon in December.
I just love that in just a few words, Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us how to be present and be happy, right here and now.
If you're feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
Going running always clears my head and helps me to feel better. I also try to focus myself back on the moment, through running and through breathing, because feeling blue is almost always caused by thinking about the past or future. If you're in the moment the blueness goes away.
Also, I love cuddling with my children. Instant happiness.
Is there anything you see people around you doing or saying that adds to or detracts from their happiness?
The happiest people I know always focus on the positive things in their lives—they always appreciate what they have, see the silver lining on everything, and find the good in everyone.
The people who aren't as happy focus on the negative things—they complain, they pity themselves, they think they can't do something, and especially this: They criticize. They criticize others and themselves. It always leads to unhappiness, for themselves and often those around them.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy?
I wasn't always happy. It was only a few years ago that I was stressed and overworked, overweight, inactive, smoking, in debt, and so on. And I wasn't motivated to change anything.
I started making small, simple changes in my life, and these days I'm happier than ever. Small baby steps did the trick.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Sometimes, but these days it's not so much something I work on as a set of habits I have—again, to remind myself to be present, to remind myself to be grateful and to appreciate life, to remind myself to cherish the small things. I am thankful for all that I have, and when I remember this, I'm instantly happy. It doesn't take much work.
Have you ever been surprised that something you expected would make you very happy didn't—or vice versa?
Sure, lots of times! I thought getting a big promotion or raise would make me happy. Surprise! It only made me work harder and become more stressed, and the extra salary seemed to disappear right away. I thought a nicer vehicle would make me happier, but it just got me deeper into debt, cost more to maintain and fuel up, and was harder to drive because it was bigger than my old, small car.
I also thought being frugal and simplifying would be hard, and that the sacrifices would make me feel deprived and less happy. That was completely untrue—I'm happier than ever now that I've simplified my life, and now that I'm able to focus on the essential things that I value most, that make me happy.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) No need to write anything but “newsletter” in the subject line.
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A few years ago, I read Thomas Merton’s famous memoir, The Seven Storey Mountain
(it was this book that led me to read The Story of a Soul
, which got me started on my obsessive interest in St. Thérèse of Lisieux), about his conversion to Catholicism and his decision to enter a Cistercian monastery.
I’ve been reading more Merton lately. In The Sign of Jonas
, I learned, to my surprise, that Cistercian monks make five vows at the time of their profession. I knew about the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, but it turns out they also make vows of stability and conversion of manners.
I was intrigued with the vow of stability. This vow means that a monk stays put. Unless he’s sent somewhere else by his superiors, or gets a dispensation from Rome, a monk must remain in the monastery of his profession.
Merton explains: “By making a vow of stability the monk renounces the vain hope of wandering off to find a ‘perfect monastery.’ This implies a deep act of faith: the recognition that it does not much matter where we are or whom we live with. …Stability becomes difficult for a man whose monastic ideal contains some note, some element of the extraordinary. All monastaries are more or less ordinary.… Its ordinariness is one of its greatest blessings.”
When I first read this, it reminded me of—what else?—marriage. Marriage is a vow of stability, made with the conviction that by committing yourself to one person, you’re better able to achieve happiness than by searching continually for the “perfect” person and that the ordinariness that descends on it after the early exhilaration and novelty wear off is, in fact, one of its most prized aspects.
But the the vow of stability also reminds me of my favorite lines from Samuel Johnson. Quoting a Spanish proverb, Johnson proclaims, “He who would bring home the wealth of the Indies must carry the wealth of the Indies with him.” I puzzle over the meaning of this mysterious line all the time, but in this context, it suggests that the perfect monastery isn’t a place you can join but an attitude of mind you must develop.
There’s a lesson here for happiness. It’s often tempting to think that we’d be happy if only external circumstances would change. Sometimes it’s true that some external change would make a huge difference to our happiness (some people argue that this is never true, that external conditions should never matter, but I think that’s unrealistic for most people)—but sometimes we need to embrace a vow of stability and make our happiness in the situation in which we find ourselves, instead of searching restlessly for perfect circumstances.
The vow of stability was difficult for Merton, because at least in the early days, he was tempted by the idea of joining the Carthusians—an order that has been described as a “community of hermits” in which monks spend most of their time alone. As a Cistercian, he spent more time with his community than he wanted. I wonder why he didn’t join the Carthusians in the first place. Does anyone know?
* I love being part of the LifeRemix network, and I always find great stuff to read when I visit.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“The Natural History Museum is open to the public on Tuesdays and Fridays. Elephant, rhinoceros, hippopotamus; extraordinary animals! Rubens rendered them marvelously. I had a feeling of happiness as soon as I entered the place and the further I went the stronger it grew. I felt my whole being rise above commonplaces and trivialities and the petty worries of my daily life. What an immense variety of animals and species of different shapes and functions!”—Diary of Eugène Delacroix
* If you're looking for a way to prod yourself to keep your resolutions, check out Pledgehammer. The site allows you to commit publicly to a resolution—and makes you donate to charity if you don't keep it.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. To sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up; just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
One of the major principles of happiness—and this comes as a shock to no one—is that perception shapes reality. The way we view something determines our experience. I saw this during the inauguration. A person could say, “It’s fantastic to be here among so many people,” or a person could say, “It’s a pain to be stuck in these crowds and long lines.” Same reality, different perception.
I realized the importance of characterization when I eavesdropped on a few conversations between my 3-year-old and her grandmother.
My daughter: “Can I please have some ice cream?” (yes, she did say "please")
My mother-in-law: “OK, but you had a cookie earlier, so I’m just going to give you a little bowl.”
My daughter: “No, no, I want a big bowl! Not a little bit.”
Mother-in-law: “Tonight you’re going to go to bed nice and early.”
Daughter: “No, no, no! Not early. I want to stay up late!”
Had my mother-in-law said, “I’m giving you a big scoop” or “We’re letting you stay up late,” my daughter would have accepted that characterization instead of protesting. Same bowl of ice cream, same bedtime, different perception.
And this isn’t just true of children. The other day, I was talking to an acquaintance, and the subject of happiness came up. She said, “Gretchen, you dabble in the subject of happiness, don’t you?”
Well, yes, in fact, I do dabble in the subject of happiness. I’ve been dabbling away for 10 hours a day for more than three years now.
I’m pleased to say that I handled it nicely in the moment, but I’m embarrassed to admit how much this characterization annoyed me. My reaction doesn’t speak well of me, at all; I know perfectly well that this person has no particular reason to know what I’m up to and that she didn’t mean to bug me—yet I found it hard not to feel irritated with that particular characterization.
It’s helpful to “watch the characterizations” when we’re speaking to other people, and it’s also important when we’re characterizing things for ourselves. One of the challenges of my happiness project is to try to be more positive and lighthearted—without being fake and superficial.
Often, I’ve found that I can characterize something in a way that’s more positive but just as truthful. For example, “That meal was very filling” instead of “That meal was very heavy.” Or “The play had a lot of great moments” instead of “The third act of the play was boring.” Sometimes, of course, I’m trying to make a specific critical point, and that’s fine, but sometimes remembering to “watch the characterization” allows me to make my point in a less negative way—in particular, to myself.
* I subscribe to an interesting daily trend-watching newsletter, TrendCentral. Yesterday’s update listed some new slang terms, of which my favorite is: Retox (ree-tox) v. To go back on your New Year's resolutions and do the opposite of the goals you set for yourself. "Instead of following my resolution to get fit this year, I decided to retox and take up cooking classes instead. Oh well, no one follows New Year's resolutions anyway, right?"
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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My Eighth Commandment is “Identify the problem.” This sounds like such an obvious thing to do—if you have a problem, of course you know what it is, right?—that it’s hard for me to explain why that commandment is so important.
The fact is, I’ve found that often I’ll suffer some mild annoyance or inconvenience for years, because I just don’t take the time to think about the nature of the problem and how it might be solved. I think this is a mindfulness problem—not paying enough attention to what is actually happening in the present moment.
Yesterday afternoon, I experienced a perfect example. When I’m writing my book or my blog, I try to work outside my home office, at a library or a coffee shop, where it's easier to concentrate. Recently, for a variety of reasons, I’ve been doing more on-line tasks, so I’ve been spending a lot of time at my own desk.
I’d noticed over the past few weeks that my eyes and even my face felt funny—strained and tired. I just kept telling myself that it was nothing, no big deal.
Then yesterday, I told myself, “Identify the problem! Problem: my eyes and facial muscles are tired.”
Having acknowledged the problem for the first time, I asked myself, “Why do I have this problem?”
I answered: “My eyes are strained because there’s too much light coming in from the window behind my computer monitors. I have a shade, and it’s down, but it’s letting too much light through.”
“Aha!” I thought proudly. “I’ve identified the problem! Too much light. So how will I solve this?” Well, I thought, I could buy a big piece of poster-board and prop it against the window, or I could hang a sheet over the window. Then I noticed—I have a blind on my window, as well as an inner shade! I’ve never used it, and I’d completely forgotten that it was there. This whole time, all I needed to do was to lower the blind.
Problem solved. I feel like an idiot, but my eyes feel a lot better.
* Through Twitter, I just discovered the blog by Gwen Bell and am having a lot of fun cruising through it. Lots of great material there.
* If you haven't seen it, you might enjoy my one-minute movie, The Years Are Short.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine Tips To Keep Yourself Exercising
One of the most commonly made, and most frequently broken, New Year’s resolutions is the resolution to exercise more.
People who exercise are healthier, more energetic, think more clearly, sleep better, have delayed onset of dementia ... The list goes on.
There’s also a lot of research into the connection between exercise and happiness—some studies suggest that it provides a real boost, some studies suggest that while correlated, exercise isn’t a factor in making people happier. I’m interested to see what further studies reveal, but I’ve made up my own mind: In my experience, and the experience of everyone I know who exercises, exercise makes me calmer, more cheerful, and more alert.
But even once you’re convinced of the benefits, if you’re not inclined to exercise, it can be hard to adopt the habit. My favorite activity is reading in bed, and I don’t enjoy games of any sort, but over the years I’ve managed to transform myself into a regular exerciser by deploying these strategies:
1. Always exercise on Monday. This sets the psychological pattern for the week.
2. If at all possible, exercise first thing in the morning. The longer the day goes on, the more likely you are to get derailed.
3. Never skip exercising for three days in a row. You can skip a day, and you can skip two days, but on the third day, you must exercise no matter how inconvenient. (This rule is more effective than it sounds; it kept me exercising regularly during college.)
4. Give yourself credit for the smallest effort. When my father started running, he said that all he had to do was put on his running shoes and close the door behind him. I never push myself hard, because I know that if I did, I might stop exercising altogether. And don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. The 15-minute walk you do take is better than the three-mile run you don't take.
5. If you don’t have time both to exercise and take a shower, find an activity that doesn’t require a shower afterward, like yoga or walking. I do an extremely tough weight-training regimen that doesn’t make me sweat. (And yes, it is effective, even with no sweat!)
6. Look for affordable ways to make exercising more pleasant or satisfying. Could you upgrade to a nicer gym? Buy yourself a new iPod? Work with a trainer? Get a pedometer? (They’re only $20.) A lot of people are feeling a real money crunch right now, but exercise is a high life priority, so if you can afford it, this is a place to spend some money if that helps.
7. Remind yourself of the benefits from exercising. Personally, I’m more motivated by short-term gratifications like “I’ll feel more focused” or “I’ll sleep better” than long-term considerations like “I’ll live longer” or “If I have surgery, I’ll recover quicker.” A trainer told me that, in her experience, men are more motivated by the idea of improving their performance (a better tennis game) or restoring an ability (climbing stairs without getting out of breath); women are more motivated by the promise of improving their appearance.
8. Think about context. If you find it much harder to go running in winter than summer, maybe the real trouble is that you don’t like the cold. Do you hate the loud music in your gym? Is your workout so exhausting that you can’t face the rest of your day?
9. When choosing an activity, a gym, or an exercise class, make convenience a top priority. You’re much more likely to go to a mediocre gym near your office or home than to a great gym that’s out of your way.
Apart from the happiness gain you'll get from the exercise, merely the fact that you've kept your resolution to yourself will boost your happiness.
* A blog I've enjoyed for a long time is Marginal Revolution. It's about economics—always interesting and often raises issues that touch directly on the subject of happiness.
* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m very happy to be in Washington, D.C., for the inauguration. Thinking it over, I realize there are several different aspects of the situation that are boosting my happiness.
First, it’s a happy time. Because this is a joyful event, everyone is cheerful, enthusiastic, chatty, and helpful. The huge crowds, the freezing weather, and the logistical difficulties just seem to make the occasion a bigger adventure.
Second, I realize that I rarely participate—directly or as an observer—in big national events. I’ve never been to the Super Bowl; I don’t even watch the Super Bowl on TV. I don’t follow American Idol. We live less than a mile from the parade route for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and I’ve never been to it. (I have a friend whose family used to come up from New Orleans each year!) But when I do get into the spirit of these kinds of events, I love it. My daughter and I went to a bookstore at midnight to line up for the last Harry Potter book, and that was tremendously fun. Everyone in the country—and throughout the world—is watching the inauguration, so it’s great to be here myself.
Third, and the most significant, is the sense of elevation to everyone’s excitement. It’s not like watching the ball drop in Times Square for New Year’s Eve. Whether or not they were Barack Obama supporters, people everywhere seem to share the conviction that something very signficant has happened: The United States has taken an enormous step to achieve its promise. And the sense of that here in Washington is powerful and exhilarating.
I feel terrifically lucky to be here—but zoikes, it is cold.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Apparently, according to a mathematical formula devised by Cliff Arnall, today is the most depressing day of 2009. Arnall’s formula considers factors like people’s failure to keep up their new year’s resolutions, the weather, post-holidays blues (no more fun, lots of bills), and the fact it's a Monday.
Paradoxically, I got a happiness boost from someone’s claim that today is the year’s most depressing day. First of all, I got a kick out of the idea of trying to identify the most depressing day with a formula. Silly, but fun. What factors would you use to identify your own personal “most depressing day” formula? You’d probably come up with a very different day, based on the end of basketball season, the opening of bathing-suit season, etc.
In any event, in the United States, this formula is certainly not accurate this year (Arnall is from the U.K.). Today is a Monday, but it’s a holiday, and that raises people’s spirits. Also, it’s the day before President-elect Obama’s inauguration. While most Inauguration Days probably don’t do much to lift people’s moods, this one is different.
But second, even aside from considering the accuracy of the claim, just hearing the announcement that today is “the year’s most depressing day” makes the day seem better. Even if I have a bad day today, I’m not likely to think, “Gosh, this is going to turn out to have been the most depressing day of the year.” Things aren’t likely to be that bad.
There’s a psychological term for this: downward comparison. Comparing my Jan. 19th with the most depressing day I can imagine makes today seem bright. Downward comparisons tend to boost happiness, because they remind us to be grateful for what we have. In one study, people’s sense of life satisfaction changed dramatically depending on whether they completed sentences starting “I’m glad I’m not …” (downward comparison) compared with “I wish I was …” (upward comparison).
So, today, if you’re feeling blue, you’re not alone—and if you’re not feeling blue, you can appreciate that.
* I was thrilled to be included in this list of 5 Web Folk I Admire—Something I Don't Do Easily on Dan Perlman's blog, Enquiring Mimes.
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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“Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.”
--Simone Weil
*Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too. Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in—no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
I was inspired by an observation by Voltaire to make my resolution “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” In other words, instead of pushing yourself to an impossible “perfect,” and therefore getting nowhere, accept “good.” Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.
I have a friend who never exercises unless she’s training for a marathon; as a consequence, she almost never exercises. I never push myself when I exercise, and although I suspect she scoffs at my wimpy workouts, I’ve managed to get myself to exercise several times a week for years. If I’d tried to have a more ambitious workout, I’m sure I wouldn’t have exercised at all.
Along the same lines, I told a friend that one of my happiness-project resolutions was to "remember birthdays," and so I was sending out happy-birthday e-mails. He said, "Oh, you shouldn't e-mail! You should call or write a hand-written note; that's much nicer." True—but I won't. And it's better to get something done imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.
The perfect can also become the enemy of the good in the quest for perfect information. There are two ways to approach decision-making: as a satisficer (yes, that is a word) or as a maximizer.
Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn’t mean they’ll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high, but as soon as they find the pasta sauce or the business card that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the optimal decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until after they’ve examined every option, to make the best possible choice. Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers; maximizers spend a lot more time and energy to reach a decision, and they’re often anxious about whether they did, in fact, make the best choice. (For a fascinating discussion, read Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice
.)
In almost every category, I’m a satisficer, and in fact, I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. But it’s one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Most decisions don’t require extensive research. In picking a girls’ summer camp, a friend got information from 25 camps and visited five in person. We got information from five camps and picked the one that a friend’s daughter loved. I used to think that my lack of diligence was a sign of laziness, and my resolution “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” has made me feel a lot better.
In some situations, the happier course is to know when good enough is good enough and not to worry about perfection or making the perfect choice.
* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click here. Or just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line.
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From time to time, I post short interviews with interesting people about their insights on happiness. During my study of happiness, I’ve noticed that I often learn more from one person’s highly idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies.
Jonathan Fields, of Awake at the Wheel blog fame, has a new book that just hit the shelves two days ago: Career Renegade
. Remarkably, Amazon sold out on the first day it went on sale—but perhaps that’s not a surprise, because it’s a book that's meant to help you figure out how to make a living doing a job you love. That's obviously an issue of great interest to many people, especially these days. Turning a passion for video games into a career is a transformation that could make someone very happy.
Jonathan has done a lot of thinking about the relationship between happiness and work—one of the most fascinating subtopics within the subject of happiness and also an area that people find very challenging to change when it’s not working.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Jonathan: Coming up with new knock-knock jokes with my 7-year-old daughter. For me, it’s all about people and flow. So, activities that take me away, especially ones I can share with people I love to be around, are the activities I tend to be drawn to.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
That it’s not about what you have, it’s about who you bring to the party. Experiences and people are the holy grail, not money and stuff.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Planning. I tend to be very driven and, along with that comes a fair amount of thinking about and living in the future. It’s good to think about what’s coming next, to work to make it unfold the way you want it to.
But, life’s uncertain. That may be the only thing in life I’m certain about. And what you work so hard to make happen down the road may not happen. So, giving up too much of the juicy stuff that lies in front of you every day isn’t necessarily the most intelligent tradeoff in the world. Think about what you want …but love, cherish, nourish, and be grateful for what you’ve got.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful?
Actually, it’s something that was shared with me by the soon-to-be former editor of Lifehacker, Gina Trapani. When I was interviewing her for my book, Career Renegade, at one point she said, “You do the thing you can’t not do.”
There’s so much in those seven simple words. A second one comes from the epic poem "The Bhagavad Gita," and it translates roughly as “It’s far better to follow your own path imperfectly than to follow another’s perfectly.”
Similar sentiment. Both speak to the critical importance of being authentic.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost?
You mean, besides a honking hunk of Green & Black’s 70 percent dark organic chocolate?! For most of my life, movement or exercise has been my go-to pick me up. There’s just something about moving, breathing and sweating.
It’s like God’s reset button.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness or detracts a lot from their happiness?
On the “adds to” side of the equation, focusing on what is right and what can go right and being consciously grateful for what you have. Just flip that around and you end up on the “detracts from" side.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy—if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
I’ve definitely run the gamut. Much of my unhappiness, when it’s been more present, has come from either an unwillingness to accept my lack of control over certain circumstances in life or seeing those close to me going through challenging times and being unable to make it OK.
I’m a solver. And, when I can’t solve … well, that bugs me. For the most part, though, I have to admit, I live a pretty blessed life.
Do you work on being happier? If so, how?
Yes, and this follows largely from my last answer. The more comfortable I get accepting some stuff’s just out of my control, the less anxiety and frustration I tend to carry. I don’t waste huge amounts of time or energy trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or make certain things that will never be certain.
I also check in on a pretty regular basis to make sure I’m allocating my time and energy in a way that’s consistent with what makes me come alive. From a career standpoint, that almost always involves the process of creation with great people. And, from a personal standpoint, it means making sure I am not only there, but present, as much as possible to play with my family and friends.
Oh, and one last thing. I try to laugh as often as possible (which isn’t too hard for me, since I’m genetically inclined toward dorkdom).
*Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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Blogger Gretchen Rubin will be taking your questions Thursday from 11 a.m. to noon on Washingtonpost.com about her yearlong Happiness Project and her research into old and new strategies for attaining fulfillment. Curious what self-help tips actually work? Want advice for creating happy relationships with loved ones? Wonder how to apply ancient wisdom to our modern lives? Join the chat or submit a question in advance.
Update, Jan. 15: Gretchen has concluded her live chat. If you missed it, see our archived transcript here.
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Every Wednesday is Tip Day. This Wednesday: Six tips for boosting your sense of self-respect.
Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you didn’t get the promotion you were hoping for. Maybe your sweetheart broke up with you. People say, “Don’t take it personally” and “Don’t let it get to you,” but that’s very hard to do.
If you’re feeling disheartened, what are some strategies for making yourself feel better about yourself? It’s pretty clear that repeating “I’m the greatest!” or winning a trophy along with every other second-grade soccer player isn’t a good way to build healthy self-esteem.
At the same time, it’s a rare person who isn’t sometimes—or often—plagued with painful self-doubt. When you’re feeling lousy about yourself, what can you do to feel better?
Here’s the secret. To build your self-respect, do something worthy of your respect. To like yourself better, do something that makes you likable. It’s tempting to think that support and encouragement from other people will reassure you, but A) often that doesn’t work and B) often you can’t compel other people to give you a pep talk.
Here are some strategies to try:
1. Do a good deed. This is as selfish as it is selfless; you’ll benefit as much as the person you’re helping. I had a friend who went through a period of tremendous rejection: She was fired from her job, she didn’t get into the graduate program to which she’d applied, and her boyfriend broke up with her. Everything worked out fine in the end, and I asked her how she got through such a tough time. She said, “I was practically addicted to doing good deeds for other people. It was the only way I could make myself feel like I wasn’t a total loser.” Along the same lines …
2. Make small gestures of good citizenship. Bring your old magazines to the gym so other people can read them. Offer directions to someone who looks lost. Sign up to be an organ donor. My current favorite: picking up trash that other people have left on the subway.
3. Keep a resolution. Not only will you benefit from exercising or cleaning out your garage, you’ll also get a boost from the mere fact that you made a commitment and stuck to it.
4. Become an expert. There’s great satisfaction in mastery. Pick a subject that interests you and dig in deep: the American Revolution, Photoshop, knife techniques. This can be hard, because learning something new can also make you feel frustrated and stupid, but if you push through, you’ll give yourself a huge boost. Be sure to pick something that honestly engages you: Become an expert on The Sopranos, if that sounds enticing, but don’t decide to learn about wine just because you think other people will be impressed. You’re much less likely to stick with it, so you won’t benefit as much.
5. Boost your energy. Studies show that when you’re feeling energetic, you’re much more likely to feel good about yourself. Most important: Get enough sleep. If you need an emergency energy fix, take a quick 10-minute walk (outside, if possible, where sunlight will also stimulate your brain), listen to some great music, or talk to a friend.
6. Challenge yourself physically. This strategy doesn’t work for me, but I know that many people feel great after parasailing, white-water rafting, bungee jumping, or roller coaster riding. For the less daring, a great run, bike ride, or spinning class can do the trick.
* I've written about Wordle before, but I can't resist mentioning it again. It's a toy for generating beautiful word clouds—and is just so fun and fabulous. I keep meaning to figure out how to use Wordle to make gifts; seems like there must be a way.
* Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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One of the fun things about law school—and you thought there wasn’t anything fun about law school!—was the new vocabulary we all picked up. A new word lets you have a new idea.
I remember that after I learned the concept of “acting in reliance,” suddenly I saw people acting in reliance all over the place. (For example, when my friend John signed a lease for a two-bedroom apartment because Michael promised to room with him, he’d acted in reliance, and so when Michael wanted to move in with his girlfriend instead, John was entitled to hold him to his word.)
I’ve picked up a useful term from psychology: unconscious overclaiming. It’s certainly something I’m guilty of.
Unconscious overclaiming is the phenomenon in which we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. In one study, for example, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.
This makes sense, because we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. I complain about the time I spend paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car. Also, we tend to concentrate our efforts in the areas that we think are important, so we think our contributions are the more valuable. You might think that getting the weekly reports finished on time is very important while your co-worker emphasizes prepping for a presentation.
It’s easy to see how overclaiming can lead you to an inflated sense of your contribution, and from there, to resentment. Now that I’ve learned about unconscious overclaiming, when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to …” or “Why do I always have to be the one who …?” I try to remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.
Unconscious overclaiming is related to the “Lake Wobegon fallacy,” which describes the fact that we all fancy ourselves above average. (It’s named for Garrison Keillor’s imaginary town of Lake Wobegon, where “all the children are above average.”) Studies show that most people think they’re above average in fairness, luck, popularity, investing ability, and many other traits. In one survey, 80 percent of respondents put themselves in the top 30 percent of all drivers.
I love the mere word overclaiming. It’s perfect for what it describes.
* A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a great post, What I've Learned: Julia Child. I have my True Rules series; this is a list of True Rules from Julia Child.
** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
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My name is Gretchen Rubin, and I’m working on a book, The Happiness Project, an account of the year I spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and tips from popular culture about how to be happy—from Aristotle to Martin Seligman to Oprah.
I started this project because one April morning, looking out the rain-spattered window of a bus, I asked myself, “What do I want from life, anyway?” and I thought, “Well, I want to be happy.”
I realized with a jolt that I never thought about happiness, or whether I was happy, or what I could do to be happier. “I should have a happiness project!” I thought. So I started one.
A “happiness project” is an approach to changing your life. First is the preparation stage, when you identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement and also what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse. Second is the making of resolutions, when you identify the concrete actions that will boost your happiness. Then comes the interesting part: keeping your resolutions.
This blog, which I’ve been writing since 2006, recounts my adventures as I pursue my happiness project—what I try, what I learn. Your project would look different from mine, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit.
“But,” you might think, “if everyone’s happiness project is different, why should I bother to read about yours?” Here’s why: During my study of happiness, I’ve been surprised by how often I learn more from one person’s idiosyncratic experiences than I do from sources that detail universal principles or cite up-to-date studies. I’ve learned more from Ben Franklin’s happiness project (yes, he had one) than from any other kind of argument.
Some people think that wanting to be happier is a selfish, self-absorbed goal—but I disagree. Robert Louis Stevenson got it right: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy,” he wrote. Research shows that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likeable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in the problems of others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens. And maybe betters bloggers, too.
** Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just e-mail me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.