When you read about billions in tax money flushed down the drain for useless government projects, don't you just turn red in the face, clench your fists in anger, and want to shout, "When will I get a piece of this action?!" That's certainly how I feel. That's why my bill would create a national commission to ensure that every congressional district contains at least one useless federal project. And there are plenty of useless projects that the 12th District would be just right for, let me assure you!

As you know, I originally ran for Congress in 1994 on a platform of term limits, vowing that I would not under any circumstances stay in Washington more than six years. However, I have decided that in order to serve the national interest, and on the advice of my accountant, I must force myself to remain in office indefinitely. Rest assured, virtually all my conservative colleagues here on Capitol Hill feel they have no choice but to force themselves to break their promises about term limits too! But isn't it time those liberals were subjected to term limits? How about imposing automatic term limits on anyone who votes to increase health-insurance coverage!

Bleeding-heart judges coddle criminals and treat them better than honest working people. My act would end this injustice by making every American an indicted felon. Think of the privileges you'd enjoy! Also, if every man and woman in America were under indictment, the newspapers would pay less attention to certain upcoming government announcements regarding my fund-raising techniques.

You were probably as shocked as I was to read that the General Accounting Office has discovered that the new AH88 "Ghostbuster" attack helicopter, which is manufactured in the 12th District, has failed all its tests. For instance, the guidance system of the "Ghostbuster," which is supposed to enable the helicopter to fly sideways at 600 mph through snowstorms, instead cannot locate the Great Lakes. That is why I have offered this bill, which would cancel further testing of the "Ghostbuster" and put it into full production immediately, before more defects are revealed.

Reports are coming in from all across the country that people have been threatening to desecrate firearms by burning them! Several protesters recently threatened the health of a handgun in full view of women, children, and persons who might have been U.S. veterans. I say we act now to amend the Constitution to make it a crime to blaspheme or despoil any firearm.

Now that the federal budget is finally in surplus, those liberals don't plan to return the money to you. No, they want to irresponsibly apply the surplus to retiring the federal debt. Why give the billions to future generations, who for all we know will be handgun-burning lesbians, when we could all get a slice of the pie right now, by running history's greatest lotto! Don't you think a lottery with a $70 billion payoff will sell a few tickets? Then we use the income from the lottery to finance the things this country really needs, such as tax cuts for the rich, prep-school vouchers, and discount gasoline for SUV owners.

Today the institutions of marriage and the family are under constant attack from secular humanism and liberal relativism. Every time one of my ex-wives hauls me into court I think, "Dredging up these past youthful indiscretions and child-support technicalities is no way to protect the sacred bond of marriage!" And every time I've dumped an aging wife to marry someone younger, I have said to myself, "Other people shouldn't be allowed to do this!" That's why my new wife, the lovely Darlene Foghorn, and I have joined Judeo-Christians for Mandatory Family Values, an important new organization dedicated to denouncing all those who disagree with it. In fact, Darlene is completing an essay on mandatory family values for her high-school junior-year project.

The liberals and the tree-huggers are complaining about global warming, but hasn't it occurred to anyone that greenhouse gases and the stock market are both going up at the same time? Do you think that's a coincidence?? I don't! Scientific studies by the Saudi Fuels Association have shown that the more air pollution there is, the higher the stock market will rise. My bill would encourage a dramatic increase in global warming by offering tax incentives to purchase SUVs and creating a new "greenhouse depletion allowance" for oil companies.

Since I own an SUV dealership, the pundits have accused me of having an interest in this bill. I confess that I do have an interest in anything that makes America bigger and heavier! If that's a crime, I plead guilty! This is why my bill would create preferential lanes for SUVs on the interstate highway system and grant SUV owners special fuel-subsidy loans. Buy an SUV today, and help make this great nation the heaviest country on Earth!